


Maybe if I skip Dinner

by Minew



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Gen, band!au, eatingdisorder, idolverse, mentaldisorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 07:36:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 49,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9983129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minew/pseuds/Minew
Summary: Baekhyun finds another constant in his life, something stable that shouldn't have provided the comfort it does. Because when the facade cracks and he falls, he falls harder than he had ever thought he would.Minseok finds a will power hidden within himself that shouldn't have seen the light of the day. Because when the solution becomes counting numbers and a weak body, he realizes that the control he had, has overtaken him completely and left him with nothing.





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> This story may be triggering so read with caution.  
> Major theme is eating disorders, both anorexia and bulimia.  
> Mentions of self-harm and suicide are present in later chapters.
> 
> Disclaimer: This story is fiction and does not in any way portray EXO's reality.

Minseok likes EXO. He likes his members and his job. That is until one evening he reads comments online on their music video and a fan asks 'what is he doing there?' And he starts to wonder. What exactly is he doing? His band members are all extremely handsome unlike Minseok and they're also all very talented. Some, like Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are amazing singers. Others like Jongin and Yixing are incredibly talented dancers. Chanyeol is multi-talented when it comes to music and he also raps. Jongdae has his easily approachable attitude and Sehun has extremely handsome features. They're all a bunch of incredibly handsome men - well, not including Minseok of course. 

Minseok is nothing compared to his band members. He doesn't have a voice that is worth showcasing. A little voice inside his head tells him that he did win second place in a song contest, that is why he is a part of EXO to begin with and Minseok cringes because  _second place_. He couldn't even win first place. He's not as handsome as the others. With his baozi cheeks, it's all he has. Baozi cheeks. Dumplings. Fat. He's too small compared to Chanyeol and Sehun and he doesn't even think for a second that it's just them who are too tall. No, it's always Minseok. And then he does what all people would have done even though the managers told them not to - he searches his own name on Naver. The results he gets are horrifying.

_"I hate Xiumin so much. I don't even care how popular he gets; I've hated him since debut and I think I always will."_

Minseok feels the pang of sadness in his heart but his eyes are glued to the laptop, savoring every word, every sentence all these people say about him. Never for a second does he care to read the words of his own fans. " _He's not talented._ " Damn right, he thinks. He's nothing compared to his members. It's only when Jongdae gets back from his schedule and carefully slams Minseok's laptop closed that the magic is broken and Minseok can see something else but the hatred written towards him. Except his mind never forgets the words. It doesn't matter how untrue they are because in Minseok's head they're all true. The haters know something his fans, well, the few of them that exists, don't know. The haters understand how low he is compared to his band members and he actually feels a little annoyed with Jongdae as the other places himself on the couch beside Minseok.

"Come on, were you looking at porn?" Jongdae says with a smirk and Minseok sends him a glare. It only makes Jongdae's smirk bigger. "Joonmyun-hyung pays for dinner tonight, tell him what you want, alright?" Jongdae leaves him on the couch in front of his closed laptop and Minseok stares at the metal. The words he just read are still echoing in his mind. He's hated. Not talented enough to be in EXO. Not handsome enough to be standing beside any member. He's a ghost, someone who is there but doesn't belong. He sighs a little before he gets up and leaves to find Joonmyun.

 

☆★☆

 

It's noisy over dinner. It always is. But nine young men are bound to be noisy. Baekhyun looks around at his members with a smile painted on his lips. He doesn't like it when he's not happy and the members don't know him when he's not. He doesn't want to pretend but he automatically does so in order not to worry anybody. He's not even sure why he isn't happy right now. There's food on the table and it's a nice dinner. They're celebrating. They're celebrating Kyungsoo's new role in a drama. Nobody cared about the OST he sang and recorded three days ago. But they're celebrating that Kyungsoo once again has a new acting role.

It's not that Baekhyun is particularly jealous, he's not. He doesn't want to act the same way Kyungsoo does - he just wants to sing. But he does feel extremely inadequate now that he knows he's not worthy of celebration when his other band members are. They're all eating, they're eating a lot but Baekhyun doesn't have the appetite. Chanyeol nudges him from his left and Baekhyun turns to look at the other, taller male. Damn, they're all so tall and he's not, it's so unfair. Chanyeol sends him a 1000 watt smile, very characteristically him, and nods towards the food. 

"You're not going to eat anything?" he asks and Baekhyun knows he should. But the dread he feels inside, the lost feeling of not being good enough is enough of a mood-killer in him. Instead, he shakes his head and lets his lips curve upwards in a small smile. 

"I feel a little sick, maybe I should just go to bed." Joonmyun perks up at this and his nagging mother side takes over the instant the last word leaves Baekhyun's mouth. 

"Do you have a fever? Chanyeol, check if he has a fever." A large palm is placed on Baekhyun's forehead and he almost feels like he can disappear. Except he can't and Joonmyun continues his nagging when Chanyeol shakes his head no. Baekhyun sighs and gets up from his place before he smiles a little at their leader.

"I'll sleep it away, don't worry about me." Baekhyun knows they won't. It's always a facade of worry and brotherly love but when it all boils down to nothing, they're just as much enemies as the rest of the industry. Baekhyun admires his seniors when he lies in his bed. Did they never get jealous of each other? Didn't they ever fight? How did they overcome being so damn inadequate? 

He's pretty sure he would be able to leave EXO and no one would notice. Not like when Kris or Luhan left and everybody was mourning their loss. It feels a little unfair but Baekhyun knows they deserved it. Kris is a handsome man and Luhan is a beautiful man. They're both everything Baekhyun is not and to top if off, Luhan also has an amazing voice. He knows, damn, Baekhyun knows, that he does too but it doesn't feel amazing in any way when he's not celebrated for doing something spectacular. It may be petty and maybe that's what makes everything worse but he can't help but think it anyway. 

He buries his face in his pillow to muffle the scream that slowly seeks its way out of his throat. But maybe it's not spectacular at all. Singing an OST. Jongdae has done it before more than once. Kyungsoo has too. Maybe he's simply lacking behind. Everything he does someone has done before him. 

Baekhyun wants to sleep. He wants to sleep it all away but there's no way his thoughts are going to leave him alone now. Not now. So he tosses and turns in his bed. When Yixing comes in and goes to sleep he lies completely still. It takes a few minutes before he hears the deep breathing that indicates the other is asleep and he opens his eyes again and starts his tossing and turning once more. He hates it. He hates being Byun Baekhyun right this instance and he wishes for nothing else but someone to take him away. He's obviously not good enough and he'll never be good enough and it frustrates him to no end. Then his stomach growls.

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok wants to be just as good as his band members. He's not and it's a fact so all he can do is practice. So he does. He spends more hours than Jongin dancing (much to the youngers frustration) and he spends more hours in the recording room with a vocal teacher than Jongdae. He pushes his body harder and harder until he realizes there's nothing he can do to ever be as good as his band members. His talents are simply lacking. For a short moment, he contemplates leaving EXO but then he remembers his contract and the thought leaves him. It's not worth breaking free if it leaves him with a huge debt.

He stares into the mirror in the bathroom and pulls at his cheeks. He pinches his stomach and his arms and his thighs, leaves red marks all over his body because the floor length mirror in front of him tells him the truth. He's fat. He's ugly. He's nothing compared to the eight tall, beautiful men he's working with. He's nothing compared to anyone in the industry and he wonders why his manager hasn't told him to diet yet? Of course, they did diet before debut, before every comeback but it's not enough. It's not enough to diet when his members do too and become ethereal. He's not as overweight as he once was but it's still too much, he's still too fat and too ugly. 

Minseok shouldn't be in EXO. Even the rookies are better than he is. He hates himself for even thinking this but the thought stays with him as he looks in the mirror. The more he stares, the more contorted his reflection becomes. Suddenly there's a huge chunk of fat on his thighs, on his stomach, on his arms. It's all wrong. Minseok shakes his head to get rid of the fat but it's still there when he looks in the mirror again. Someone knocks on the door and Minseok shrieks a little in surprise. 

"Hyung, finish your shower, we're more people that want to use it," he hears from the other side of the door and he forcefully removes his gaze from his fat reflection. It takes all he has to strip his boxers off of himself. He steps into the shower and lets the warm water wash over him. It creates a soothing atmosphere but he can't help his thoughts as they center around his reflection in the mirror. Fat is all that comes to mind. Not talented, not handsome. He needs to do something. His so-called talents are a lost cause but his look, he can change his look. If maybe he loses a little bit of fat here and there. It should be possible. He's been dieting before and it worked then so it should now as well, right? It can't be that hard. People in this industry do it all the time. Lose a little bit of weight here and there. 

When Minseok finishes his shower his mind is set on becoming a better person. He wants to be - well, not handsome because that's quite impossible but better-looking than he is now. He doesn't want to bring EXO down in terms of looks like he is now. He dries himself with the towel before his eyes catch the glass scale under the sink. It's stupid. He knows it is. He shouldn't be caring too much about the weight when the mirror speaks the ultimate truth and he already knows he's too fat. But as much as he fights himself not to step on the scale and see the red numbers, he ends up doing it anyway. Weighing his self-worth as the time stands still until the two red numbers say 65 kg. Minseok blinks. It's not true. The scale is broken. He's not 65 kg, he's more like 88 kg. He shakes his head a little. The mirror told him he was definitely fat. When he's dressed and his hair is towel dry he opens the door and sends Jongin a smile.

"The scale is broken," he tells him and Jongin sends him a confused look. Minseok doesn't see it. He's too preoccupied with the reflection in his mind and the numbers that don't match. Or maybe 65 kg. is just too fat.


	2. ii

Baekhyun stares into the camera in front of him. The man behind it is shouting words, do this, do that, show me this, show me that. Baekhyun does what he's told. He doesn't know how the result is. But he doesn't look good, he knows that. So he ignores every praise the staff tells him. The photos are going to need a lot of Photoshop to be decent. Baekhyun feels like a robot and he dislikes it. It's just a lot easier to deal with the photoshoot when he doesn't think. Because if he starts thinking he'll start looking at the others and he will feel wrong in every way. Because there is no one as ugly and wrong in EXO as him. That said he doesn't hate his band members. He just hates himself. 

“Okay, we're done Baekhyun.” The photographer says and Baekhyun automatically steps away from the set. The next member sends him a thumbs up before he steps into the set and starts posing and Baekhyun smiles a small smile. He hasn't been smiling a lot these days. Every time he tries smiling, something reminds him that he's not good enough, not talented enough, not beautiful enough. That he shouldn't be happy because he doesn't deserve to be where he is in the first place.

He knows that Chanyeol has noticed as well but Baekhyun doesn't want to tell him what's wrong. There's no way Chanyeol, the happy virus of all people, would understand the way he feels. There's also no way that Chanyeol wouldn't be extremely worried if he knew what thoughts occupy Baekhyun’s mind. And there's definitely no way the younger wouldn't tell Joonmyun and he doesn't want a pep talk from their leader. 

He sits in a chair in their dressing room and stares at his face in the mirror. Him. Byun Baekhyun. He wants do run a hand through his hair or smear his makeup but he's not going to ruin anything because that's the least he can do when he can't do anything else. The more he stares at his face, the sicker he feels. He doesn't like his face. Not at all. It's at this point that he decides he has to do something. He can't keep hating himself without doing anything. He can't keep staring at his hideous face for all eternity. Chanyeol places himself in the chair next to Baekhyun and studies the other's blank expression in the mirror. 

“Are you okay Baek?” he asks and Baekhyun forces his eyes from his reflection so they meet Chanyeol’s. Baekhyun nods. 

"Oh yeah, I was just thinking." He sends Chanyeol a small smile that contorts his reflection in the mirror but neither of the two boys notices it. Chanyeol reciprocates his smile. "I'll be in the van." Baekhyun gets up from the chair and leaves the dressing room before Chanyeol gets another word out. As he climbs into the black car, it's to sink into the soft seats and stare at his reflection in the window. 

Baekhyun does a lot of staring these days. But every time he stares at himself he notices something else, something new. Something he hates just as much as he hates the rest of himself. It's as he sits in the car that he decides he'll skip dinner tonight. If anything, just to feel the hunger. Just to hope that he can become a little better than he is right now.  

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok doesn't have any appetite. No, that's not true because his stomach growls as he sits with the other seven members around the dinner table. Minseok ignores his hunger because it doesn't feel right to eat. It's as if someone is mocking him for being this useless and he doesn't want to eat and become even more useless. He promised himself. He could diet. He will become beautiful, even if it's the only thing he becomes. Jongdae nudges his side and sends him a small smile.  

"Aren't you going to eat?" The smile Jongdae sends him is enough to bring Minseok close to tears. He fights himself, calls himself all kind of words he's not supposed to because it's wrong, it's so wrong. He's not supposed to be crying. "If not, can I have that?" Jongdae jokes and points towards the fried chicken on Minseok's plate. Minseok pushes his plate towards Jongdae and sends him a strained smile.

"I'm on a diet." Minseok ignores the stare Jongdae sends him. 

"Why?" the younger asks confused and Minseok ignores him again. It's not something he's going to tell Jongdae anyway so there's no reason to open up. He knows he should be telling someone about the distorted image and the lies the scale told him, but the confused question he receives just confirms all fears - they won't understand. Minseok gets up from his seat and leaves the rest of the members. 

He locks his door when he enters his room and thanks someone in the heavens that he's not sharing it with anybody. He doesn't want to talk to anyone right now. Instead, he finds his laptop and starts searching. At first, he's just surfing around, trying to get his mind off of the dinner. Then he finds himself searching his name on Naver again. There's no new hate comments and Minseok almost feels sad. Why are there not anything new? No new truths to be told? Most articles he scrolls through is in connection to EXO and it's not abnormal or wrong but it strikes something in him anyway. He's nothing without EXO. He's just there. He bites his lips, ignores his hungry stomach and continues his search on Naver. When he goes to sleep that night it's to a ruthless mind and thoughts of his diet.

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun wants to cry. He skipped dinner and he feels just as horrible as he did earlier at the photoshoot. Nothing is helping apparently. There's no way to soothe his mind. He just has to admit defeat. He's inadequate and doesn't belong in EXO and he'll be stuck with this face for the next 50 years or more unless he kills himself. The thought is actually quite appealing right this moment but at the same time, it also scares him. He doesn't hate himself enough to kill himself. He just hates himself. 

He turns in his bed and listens to Yixing's even breathing. He wishes he could be like the Chinese. Yixing is kind and he listens and understands. Except he doesn't understand Baekhyun because Baekhyun never tells anyone anything. The small male gets up from his bed and tiptoes into the kitchen at 4.28 AM. He's hungry but he's scared of eating. It'll only end in another reflection he despises. 

He opens the refrigerator anyway and looks at the content. There's a lot of different things. Healthy things, unhealthy things, vitamins, energy drinks, banana milk. Baekhyun doesn't know who bought what but he hears his mind scream at him. He hears the words, the curses, the slurs when he reaches for a candy bar. He knows it'll ruin everything, he knows. He keeps chanting 'don't eat it, don't eat it' as his hands automatically unwraps the candy from its prison. His thoughts are overruled by the sound of pleasure his stomach creates when the candy works it's way through his esophagus. 

Baekhyun stops his hand as it reaches out for another candy. No, his mind screeches. Don't eat. He doesn't need the food. He doesn't want it. He feels disgust run down his spine and he stares at his hands before he slams the refrigerator closed. Two bottles of wine clink against each other in the process and Baekhyun flees from the kitchen, feeling like a murderer fleeing from a crime scene. He doesn't get any sleep at all that night. 

 

He's beyond tired when Kyungsoo comes in to wake them up. Yixing is his usual dazed morning self. Baekhyun tries to fake it. It doesn't fool Kyungsoo though. 

"Didn't get any sleep?" he asks and Baekhyun shakes his head. "Want to talk?" the younger continues and Baekhyun shakes his head again. "Just tell me if you need someone to talk to, we're a lot of people that want to listen." Kyungsoo sends him a small smile and Baekhyun feels the need to cry again. Lying and faking happiness is hard. He's not really good at it. Not when they all see through him. He needs to be better. He has to fool them. "Breakfast is ready in two minutes or so." Kyungsoo gets up to leave him and Baekhyun pulls the blanket over his head. This way he can think without anybody seeing his facial expression. He thinks of the candy he ate in the night and decides just then that he doesn't want any breakfast. It seems Joonmyun intends to ruin those plans. 

"Come on Baekhyun. Get your lazy ass up and eat." Baekhyun drags himself out of bed and when he enters the kitchen he sends his band members a dazzling smile despite dark circles beneath his eyes. Maybe he can fool them. Maybe he just needs a little practice.

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok plays with his breakfast. It's ruining his diet to be eating. He knows they're all judging him. They're waiting for him to eat a bite of breakfast, all eyes on him. They're going to laugh at him for breaking his diet. He didn't even last two days. His phone saves him from eating when it suddenly starts ringing and he gets up to get it. It's a video call and the first thought that runs through Minseok's mind is 'oh no'. He doesn't want the person on the other side see him but he has to take it. It's like choosing between the plague and cholera but being seen is somehow better than eating. He sits in the living room on the couch as he picks up and a small face smiles at him. The other male is strikingly beautiful and Minseok feels incredibly jealous. It's wrong of him, but he is. Luhan waves a little at the screen.

"Hey baozi!" he greets and Minseok curls his toes in his bunny slippers and sends the Chinese a restrained smile.

"Hi Luhan." Minseok stares at the small screen showing his own face. He fills up the entire screen, cheeks too big, face too ugly and he feels ashamed for taking the call. Luhan's laughter enters his ears then. 

"Yo man, are you with me?" He nods and focuses back on the beautiful male in China. Luhan talks more than Minseok does. Minseok laughs and tells about their schedules as well but he never once mentions anything about his insecurities or the hate comments that he reads on Naver. He doesn't tell Luhan about the broken scale or his reflection. And he definitely doesn't tell Luhan about not eating. When the rest of the members finishes their breakfast they join him in the living room. Yixing wants to talk to Luhan too so Minseok lends him his phone and leaves his band members. Joonmyun enters his bedroom a little later and sends Minseok a smile.

"Hey, you' alright?" he asks and Minseok sighs. He doesn't want the concern and the pity.

"Yes, I'm fine." Joonmyun nods but doesn't believe the words.

"I noticed you didn't eat your breakfast." There's silence in the room after Joonmyun utters his word. Minseok's mind is working in record time to create a lie that won't concern the leader more. He shrugs. 

"I wanted to go on a diet and work out a little more. Show the fans something new for the next comeback." He puts a hand on his stomach and has to keep himself from flinching as he feels the soft fabric under his hand, covering his fat. Joonmyun just sighs but he nods nonetheless. When he leaves Minseok lets out a sigh of relief. His stomach growls for not having been fed for 2 days and Minseok throws a small punch on it to keep it quiet. Minseok finds his way into the kitchen. There he finds Baekhyun who stares into the refrigerator. The other jumps when Minseok opens the cupboard to reach for a glass and the refrigerator closes.  

"Oh, it's you hyung," Baekhyun says and Minseok nods a little. The eldest of them drinks two glasses of water, the youngest disappears from the kitchen. 

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun locks himself into the bathroom and places himself on the floor, back against the door. He hadn't expected to be caught staring into the refrigerator. He's still a little shocked at himself for even looking in the refrigerator but the food he hasn't been eating is calling for him. The candy he ate last night still sits heavy in his stomach and his guilty conscience is hard to get rid of. But at the same time, it's incredibly hard to deny his body food. He can't do it. 

He fears Minseok will knock on the door any time but there's no one coming and he thanks the elder for not asking. He feels his mind fight against his stomach and he crumbles into himself in fetal position. If only he could be good enough just the way he is, but he's not. He's not and he needs to do something differently. He needs to do something about himself, about his body and his face. He lets out a shaky breath before he uncurls himself again and gets up. The promise he sends his reflection is one he's never going to regret.


	3. iii

Minseok is sitting in the chair. In front of him are a couple of his band members filming their part of their new music video. He's all styled up but he doesn't feel pretty in any way. He sighs a little and turns to find Chanyeol. The taller smiles at him and pats his shoulder. Minseok sends a smile his way as well. They both turn to look at the members in front of the camera. They're not all talented in acting but everybody does their best and Minseok knows the result will definitely be satisfying. Mainly because he'll hardly be shown, it's never him that's on display, it's always the pretty members. Minseok is not included in that. But it doesn't bother him as much as it should. 

Someone calls for Chanyeol and the younger rises and hurries to shoot his part of the music video. Minseok doesn't know why he's still here. He finished his shot in a few minutes in the beginning but at the same time, he's happy he gets to see how well his band members does. He does feel a little proud when he watches them. If only he wasn't dragging them down. Someone places themselves in the chair Chanyeol just left and Minseok turns around and faces Baekhyun. The other smiles and turns to look at the set again. Minseok sighs a little. If only he was as talented as Baekhyun. But he's not.  

"Hyung?" the other suddenly asks and Minseok wakes up from his thoughts and nods. Baekhyun just sighs and shakes his head. "No, nothing. Sorry." Someone shouts behind them and a stylist comes up in front of them to fix their make-up. They're doing the dance part of the music video and they need all members for that. The two men get on set with the rest of the other seven members and the dancing begins.  

Minseok is a sweaty mess when they finish the shoot 3 hours later. They have all been dancing for 3 hours straight and they're all exhausted but Minseok is happy because he ate that gross rice dish they served on set 5 hours ago and hopefully it's been all burned off by dancing now. He doesn't know and he doesn't count the calories but he can only hope that he did well and that maybe he won't gain the kilograms from eating that. 

 

☆★☆

 

He's sitting on the toilet in a stall and staring at the grey-painted walls. They're ugly but that fits him perfectly. He's ugly just as well. He opens the internet on his smartphone and stares onto the first page that pops up. It has warnings such as  _self-induced vomiting should not be used as a weight loss alternative_ and it's not like Baekhyun doesn't know. But he also knows that he ate that gross rice dish earlier and that he needs it out because he cannot stand the feeling of having eaten. It's gross and he feels 100 kilograms heavier. He just knows that he needs it out. And since he's obviously too weak to not eat he has to get rid of the anxious and horrible feeling otherwise. 

He wanted to buy laxatives because those seemed easy to get but he cannot use laxatives when he's at the music video shooting. This is the reason he's sitting on a toilet and reads a website on how to throw up. It seems easy enough. Two fingers to the back of the throat and have them stay there until he pukes. Baekhyun kneels in front of the toilet and feels the nausea creep closer. It's not as easy as it seems though and Baekhyun feels like giving up with two fingers down his throat. He keeps prodding, keeps tickling like the website says he should. 

When he does throw up, it leaves him heaving and feeling even grosser than earlier for a few seconds. It's an ambivalent feeling. He feels pure and he feels absolutely disgusting. He has tears in his eyes and the taste of vomit on his tongue. He feels purified and clean. He dries off his fingers and flushes the toilet and hopes nobody heard him. There's no one in the bathroom when he opens the stall and starts washing his hands and rinses his mouth to clear the disgusting, yet reassuring taste. 

When he comes back to the set, they're about to shoot the last individual shoots and he sits in the chair next to Minseok. He sends him a smile and turns to look at Chanyeol who's shooting his scene now. Baekhyun feels powerful. He also feels extremely weak. But the powerful feeling is stronger than the weak and he's ready to dance when they're told that's all they need to do. He did it. He found a way to keep his promise. From now on he can be just as beautiful, just as strong as the rest of his band members.

 

☆★☆

 

A week later Jongdae finds Minseok to complain. Minseok is in their practice room when Jongdae finds him and the oldest stops dancing. He's sweating but he's content because hopefully, he's burning the calories from breakfast off which means that the scale will show 63 tonight when he steps on it. Or Minseok hopes so. He's not sure he'll be able to keep himself together if it still says 64. He wants it to go down. Slowly but surely. Jongdae sits in the middle of the room and sighs heavily. Minseok keeps standing. Standing burns more calories than sitting. Jongdae whines a little and Minseok raises his eyebrow to ask a silent question. 

"I'm not really in our new music video, hyung!" the younger whines and lies dramatically on the floor. Minseok scoffs and lightly kicks at Jongdae's foot.

"Get over yourself, you sing half the song anyway." Jongdae sits up at that and stares at Minseok.

"Bah," he says and finds his phone. "Did you watch it hyung?" Minseok shakes his head and Jongdae gets up from the floor and stands beside Minseok as he gives the older his phone. "Watch it." So Minseok does. He sees the pretty colors and the aesthetically pleasing band members of his. He tries hard not to cringe whenever he sees himself but he's happy he's not very much present. He's almost not there and he thanks whoever created the music video for cutting him out of it. 

The other members look amazing, just like he knew they would. Minseok never had a doubt that his band members would be the ones to carry this music video. It already has 7 million views and when it ends, Jongdae takes his phone back and scrolls down to the comments. There are a few comments about Yixing and a few comments about Jongin but none about Minseok and Minseok feels relieved. He doesn't want to read hate comments when Jongdae is standing next to him. Jongdae, however, doesn't seem content with the lack of comments about him. "See, there are no comments about me." Minseok can't help the smile that grazes his lips.

"There was that one that said you were hot?" he points out and Jongdae scowls and mumbles something that sounds like 'but it's only one comment'. Minseok does agree with the commenter, though. Jongdae is pretty hot. Just like the rest of the band excluding Minseok. He grabs Jongdae's shoulder and pushes him towards the door then and the younger turns around and tries to fight back.

"Hyung, hyung, no. Stop. Are you seriously kicking me out right now?" he asks and Minseok nods.

"That I am." He needs to dance. He needs to burn off the last calories and possibly a few hundred more so he can eat a little dinner without worrying anyone and without feeling extremely guilty. He's not sure he can remove all guilt but he feels a little happier when he locks the door and turns up the volume so he can't hear Jongdae from the other side of the door. He can get skinny as well. Maybe he'll be just as pretty when he gets just a little bit skinnier, just a little bit thinner.

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun eyes the refrigerator. It's like a war with the inanimate object but every night he finds himself staring at the tall, cold appliance. The metal is covered by magnets and small post-its that tell them changes in the schedule. He knows exactly what's in there. He notices what leaves and what comes when he opens the refrigerator every night. 

It's 3.47 AM and he's the only awake in the dorm. When he opens the refrigerator, the first thing he sees is Jongin's banana milk and Sehun's two bubble teas. He knows he shouldn't but he drinks all of it. There's nothing left. Sehun is going to be a nightmare tomorrow when he realizes someone has been drinking his bubble tea and Jongin is going to mope around because now he has to buy new banana milk for Taemin. But Baekhyun is already done when he realizes that he started. He continues on and eats Joonmyun's chocolate. Then he eats a cupcake, he doesn't know who it belongs to. He eats and he eats until he's surrounded by paper and garbage. 

It's only then that his eyes widen and he stares at his reflection in the metal in horror. Fuck. It's easy to clean up the mess he made and he leaves the refrigerator 30 minutes later, emptier than he found it. He doesn't go to bed, though. He hurries into the bathroom and stares at the mirror before he sinks down on his knees, hunched over the white porcelain bowl and prods at his gag reflex with two fingers. It still takes time before it works but he eventually vomits into the toilet. He heaves when he's done before he gets up to clean his fingers and flush the toilet. He brushes his teeth to get rid of the taste that spreads in his mouth and when he feels just a little bit purer, he turns to look at the mirror. 

He has dark circles under his eyes and his lips are pale but Baekhyun only focuses on the fat on his cheeks and he sighs a little. He should stop eating. He has got to be stronger than this. But at least now he can get cleaner, purer when he screws it up. He needs to stop the war with the refrigerator but he feels content that it will happen one day. One day he will be strong enough to stop eating. He steps on the scale and closes his eyes. When he opens his eyes again and sees the 58 he feels like dying. He really needs to stop eating. A knock on the door has him hissing and he's about to fall over in his hurry to hide the scale and his gross 58 kg. 

"Baekhyun?" a groggy voice asks and Baekhyun frantically looks around in the room. 

"Y-yes?" he asks back when he's sure he hasn't left any sign behind of his nightly activity. A yawn is heard from the other side of the door. 

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Baekhyun bites his lower lip before he unlocks the door and stares at a pajamas-clad Joonmyun.

"I had to pee, I'll go to bed now. Goodnight hyung," he says and hurries out. He doesn't see Joonmyun open his mouth to ask why he isn't dressed in his pajamas.

 

☆★☆

 

There are 7 calories in 55 grams of lettuce. Minseok weighs exactly 55 grams of Iceberg Salad on the kitchen scale and proceeds to put it in a small bowl. There are 3 calories in 20 grams of cucumber. He cuts and weighs exactly 20 grams of cucumber and puts it into the bowl with the lettuce. There are 58 calories in his dinner. Sehun raises an eyebrow when he enters the kitchen and sees Minseok prepare his dinner. Minseok isn't aware of the younger. He puts the kitchen scale away and it's only when he turns around that he sees the other boy dumping chicken onto a plate. 

Minseok feels his stomach growl at the sight of the poultry. He's hungry but he has food in his own bowl. He's not going to eat meat anymore. Meat is calories and he cannot afford to eat calories if he's going to be skinny. It's only Sehun that can afford to eat meat because the other is beautiful and skinny and he doesn't gain weight. He deserves the poultry. Minseok does not. 

"Are you only eating that?" Sehun voices his silent question and Minseok looks into his bowl of lettuce and cucumber. Is it too much? Should he only have eaten 25 grams of salad and 10 grams of cucumbers? He needs to eat half the portion tomorrow. "Hyung," Sehun prods when Minseok doesn't answer and the smaller male sends him a smile.

"Yeah, diet, you know," Minseok says and laughs a little. He leaves the younger in the kitchen and locks himself into the room. He's staring at the greens in the white bowl and he feels disgust crawl all over his skin. He almost loses his appetite but then he remembers reading 'your metabolism slows down if you starve' on google last night and he is not - ever - going to slow down his metabolism and gain a lot of fat because he's careless. He's supposed to lose fat, not gain it. 

Minseok undresses in front of his large mirror and sits down in front of it. His almost-naked reflection is gross. Minseok really hates it but he has to watch himself eat. It's stupid if he has, to be honest. It does nothing but sicken him, to watch his body fat wobble when he sits down or crumble into rolls on his stomach when he crosses his legs in front of the mirror. 

He eats the salad and the cucumber, chews 33 times at every bite because it fills him up when he does and when he's done he feels full. He hates feeling full but 58 calories, he can work with a dinner of 58 calories. He has to. Minseok gets up and gets dressed. He checks his laptop for hate comments before he leaves his room to do the dishes. He finds Kyungsoo in the kitchen as well. The younger is preparing a dish with seafood and Minseok feels his stomach growl a little again. He's stronger than that, though. He has to be. Kyungsoo turns around and sends him a smile. 

"Hey hyung, had dinner already?" Kyungsoo says when he eyes the bowl in Minseok's hands. Minseok nods and thanks someone that he doesn't have to lie and defend himself in front of the younger boy right now. "What a shame, I think I prepared too much." Minseok laughs and washes his bowl. 

"I'm sure Chanyeol would love to help you eat it." He leaves with a smile and doesn't see Kyungsoo's worried look directed at his back.


	4. iv

Baekhyun wants to crawl into a hole. He's alone in his room but there's noise from the living room in the dorm. He wishes he could drown out the voices but at the same time, they help him. They make him even more aware of what he's missing and as much as it is annoying, he drowns in the fact that he is not good enough to go out and join his band members. He knows they're worried because he heard them talking last night but he doesn't want to admit that he's so wrong to them. He also knows that they will disagree with him and it's knowledge he doesn't necessarily want. Lying is bad and so he doesn't want to force his band members to lie to him. 

In the end, it's not going to fix anything because he will know that it's lies. Baekhyun tucks his legs close to his chest and wraps his arms around them to keep them in place. Then he buries his face in his knees and cries. Fat wet tears track down his cheeks as he sobs soundlessly in the darkness of his room. He hears Chanyeol's laughter from the living room and someone screams at him. It's most likely Joonmyun. But Baekhyun can't stop himself anymore. He wants to be a part of it, he wants to tease Kyungsoo and he wants to prank the younger members. He wants to be laughing and smiling but he's not good enough to ever be with them. He'll never be good enough to be with them. When his tears run out and the only thing indicating his crying is his shaking back, someone knocks on the locked door. 

"Baekhyun?" they call out and Baekhyun immediately freezes in his position. He lifts his head from his knees and dries his cheeks with his palms. 

"Y-yes?" he asks, voice shaking a little. Someone rustles outside the door and he can almost hear the worry in the voice that speaks and he hates it, God, does he hate it. He bites his lower lip in order to keep his voice steady. He doesn't want to let on that he was crying a couple of minutes ago. 

"Are you okay?" the other person asks and Baekhyun recognizes it to be Chanyeol. Chanyeol who is worried about him. Chanyeol who should be talking to someone else and laughing. Baekhyun takes a deep breath and unfurls from himself and nods a little. He knows the other can't see him but it helps to steady himself. 

"Yes, I'm fine." There's another knock and Baekhyun gets off his bed and checks his reflection in the mirror. He does not look like he's okay at all. His eyes are red and his cheeks are still showing the clear tear streaks although he had tried to dry them off. He needs an alibi. Something that makes it reasonable that he has been crying. Something that doesn't show that he was thinking about himself and how wrong he is. So he finds his laptop and quickly puts on a tearjerker movie and plugs in his earphones. Perfect. He rewinds to the ending text and gets up to open the door just as Chanyeol says his name once again. 

"You've been crying," is the first thing Chanyeol says when he sees Baekhyun and the smaller of the two sighs a little and points to the computer on his bed. 

"I was just watching a movie, you know me." He produces a light smile and Chanyeol eyes him skeptically but accepts his excuse nonetheless. 

"You should spend some time with us, you know!" Chanyeol says and grabs Baekhyun's wrist before the other can complain. Chanyeol drags Baekhyun into the living room and sits him beside Kyungsoo who just turns to look at the other. Baekhyun sends him a small smile but this doesn't satisfy Chanyeol at all. Baekhyun wishes he could act just like he used to but it's so damn hard to remember what he was before his mind started telling him he was inadequate and not good enough. 

"Myun-hyung!" Chanyeol calls out and Joonmyeon emerges from the kitchen with a raised eyebrow. Chanyeol points to Baekhyun and Baekhyun shies a little away from the pointing finger. He doesn't like the attention fully on him. Not anymore. "Can we borrow your card? I want to take Baekhyun shopping!" The older disagrees, of course, but he gives the younger boy some allowance nonetheless and asks them not to spend it all on candy. Baekhyun doesn't even get to say a word before Chanyeol has dragged him into the hallway, dressed him in his jacket, a cap, and sunglasses and pushes him out of the door. 

 

☆★☆

 

He feels all eyes on him when they eat dinner and he tries hard not to let it affect him. They all know he's on a diet so really, they shouldn't be saying anything. They just had to accept it, right? Neither of them really say anything but Minseok is pretty sure he hears Jongin whisper something to Kyungsoo. He sighs a little and gets up, plate only half eaten. That will account for the 114 calories instead of the 228 calories he had planned. That will be easier to burn off later when he goes to the gym for his training. 

"Already done?" Joonmyun asks and Minseok sends him a genuine smile and nods. He's not really hungry anyway. He just doesn't hope his stomach decides to deceive him and growl. That will counter his words. But it doesn't and he straightens his posture instead. Any little movement burns calories and he read that straightening one's posture was a great way to easily lose a couple of pounds - of course, combined with exercise and "healthy eating". Minseok doesn't believe in healthy eating. Or maybe he does, but he can't stand the thought of actually eating 1000 calories a day no matter how healthy the food is. So he doesn't. He convinces himself it's not going to ruin him to only eat 500 calories. 

"Oh yeah, I'm full." Minseok leaves the table to throw out the rest of the food on his plate and when he's done he puts the plate in the dishwasher and turns around. Except he wasn't expecting Jongdae to be standing behind him with his half-full plate as well. "You're not eating that?" he asks and raises an eyebrow. It's weird that he's in a good mood but the fact that he was allowed to leave dinner without eating the 228 calories he had planned in order not to get caught has left him in an excellent mood.

"I'm not hungry," the younger says and Minseok lifts an eyebrow. Minseok doesn't say anything though when he steps aside and leaves the boy in front of the dishwasher and the other 5 members seated around the dinner table. He finds his duffel bag with his gym clothes under his bed when he enters his room. The sooner he gets the calories burned, the sooner he can let go of the thought of those 114 calories. He finds Jongdae in the hallway with a duffel bag of his own. "Can I join?" he says and Minseok nods. As long as they're not going to shower together or get changed together then he won't mind training with Jongdae.

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun hates Chanyeol. It's really not fair to the younger, taller man but it's just not fun to go shopping with a man that is two heads taller and probably 10 kilograms lighter. It's just not funny to see himself in the mirrors beside an excited Chanyeol while the other talks about 'how good he looks' when the evidence is right in front of him - and it certainly isn't positive. He bites his cheek and turns to look at Chanyeol. The younger had talked about food because he was 'so hungry' and Baekhyun had spent the past 15 minutes convincing himself that it is okay to eat and that he doesn't have to puke afterwards. 

When Chanyeol brings the food, though, Baekhyun can't bring himself to eat it. He tries, he really does, but it's just so greasy and it fills him with disgust. Chanyeol eats happily until he sees that Baekhyun nearly hasn't been touching his food. 

"Want me to feed you?" the younger asks and dips his chopsticks in Baekhyun's noodles so he can grab a few and bring them towards Baekhyun's mouth. Baekhyun shies away and sends Chanyeol a disgusted glance.

"I can eat myself." Chanyeol takes this as a challenge and leans a little over the table.

"Why don't you then?" Baekhyun looks towards the table. He needs an excuse and he needs it right now. 

"I... Uh, I'm just not really that hungry." This earns him an incredulous glance from the other.

"We haven't eaten since breakfast. Baekhyun, come on, you can't tell me you're not hungry." Baekhyun feels the anger fight a little back inside of him and he raises his head to lock eyes with Chanyeol. 

"Well, but I'm not." With those words, he gets up and walks away from the taller man. Chanyeol scrambles after him and catches him a few meters down the road. 

"Don't be ridiculous and unfair!" he says and Baekhyun exhales slowly to keep himself under control. Who knows what will happen if he lets himself explode? He can always guess but neither of his guesses is good and he'd rather not see it happen.

"Chanyeol, can we just let go of it?" he asks and he can see it in the other man's eyes. The way they glance down and becomes a little misty. But Chanyeol nods and lets go of Baekhyun's shoulder. 

"I'm worried about you," the younger says and Baekhyun starts walking. He doesn't want to have this conversation. He doesn't want to know that Chanyeol worries because that is only going to make everything ten times worse when he lies in his bed tonight. He doesn't want to hear that Chanyeol worries because the younger is not supposed to worry. Chanyeol doesn't say anything before Joonmyun texts him and asks when they'll be home.

 

☆★☆

 

Training with Jongdae turns out to be a mistake. Maybe the biggest mistake Minseok has made in the last couple of months. And this is including eating that fried chicken one night when he was drunk with Luhan when the other visited 4 months ago. After 30 minutes on the treadmill, the younger is panting. Minseok is sweating as well but unlike his younger companion, he likes the sweat. It means he's burning off calories and burning off calories means he's getting thinner. If only just a little. But Jongdae doesn't think of running on the treadmill as a blessing the same way Minseok does. 

"Hyung, can't we do something else?" he asks as he steps down from his treadmill and chugs down half a bottle of water. Minseok turns to look at his wrist watch and shakes his head. 

"I'm running for an hour, you can just go do something else." He doesn't hear Jongdae's muttered 'you're insane' when the younger leaves to find the machines. Minseok focuses on the number that slowly gets larger.  _367, 423, 598_. More, more, more. When he finishes his hour and steps off the treadmill he finds Jongdae lounging around on a machine. "Aren't you training?" he asks and Jongdae sighs loud and heavy. 

"But hyung, it's so hard." Minseok eyes Jongdae judgmentally. It's supposed to be hard. It's supposed to burn off those damn calories. Jongdae shifts a little when Minseok begins his 30 minutes on the rowing machine. "You're going to exhaust yourself hyung," he says a few minutes later and Minseok snaps.

"I'm supposed to be exhausted after training!" The other doesn't say anything after that. Minseok continues his rigorous training routine to burn off those gross calories he consumed earlier in the day. He doesn't like the thought of it accumulating fat in his body. He'll never be skinny if he keeps eating like that. He needs to restrict his intake more. When they're done training Jongdae waits for Minseok in the changing room. This, however, does not fancy the older.

"Aren't we showering?" the younger asks and takes off his t-shirt. Minseok turns his head to look at the showers and bites his lips. 

"I think I'll wait until we get back home." Jongdae scrunches up his nose but doesn't say anything. It's wrong, it's so wrong, when he enters the showers but Minseok can't help himself admire the others body. Jongdae may not be the most muscular of his band members but he's skinny and well-proportioned and his body is beautiful. Minseok wishes his body could be like that but he knows it'll never happen. He just has to keep restricting, keep exercising. He'll never be as beautiful as Jongdae but he can try. 

Jongdae jokes about Minseok's smell on the way home but when Minseok is finally in the shower at the dorm he can't help the angry tears that mix with the running water. If only he knew how to restrict, if only he was talented, if only he was beautiful. If only he wasn't Kim Minseok. He steps on the scale when he's done showering and wants to break something when he sees the red 62 in front of him. Why isn't he below 60 yet? Why is he still so fat? Why is life so unfair? 

The anger dies down soon enough though and leaves sadness and depression in its wake. Minseok goes to sleep without talking to his band members when he emerges from the bathroom. He doesn't want to see them, he doesn't want to talk to them.


	5. v

There are a lot of things that has Minseok wondering. Things such as why he's a part of EXO, why his band members like him, why he's homosexual and why he's just so wrong. Things like what it would feel like to be better, beautiful, handsome, talented. All those things that in the end just get back to how much he hates himself. Minseok sighs and stares at the ceiling from his bed. He knows he needs to restrict more, needs to stop eating, needs to lose more. He just doesn't know how to anymore. 

There's something in him that keeps telling him that he's doing the wrong thing, that life is too short for restrictions but he's so certain that it cannot be the truth so he ignores it. He needs to be less than he is now. That's the only solution to the problem that is Minseok's existence. He bites his lip when someone knocks on his door and tells him they're leaving him alone in the dorm. He doesn't have a schedule like the rest of them and the only thing this tells him is that there is no one that wants to see him, no one that really wants him to be present. He doesn't deserve what little schedules he actually does have. 

Minseok hums a little confirmation to the person outside the door and when the dorm quiets down completely he gets up from his bed and trudges into the kitchen. He's not hungry. At least his mind isn't hungry. His stomach is growling, but Minseok ignores it just like he has been doing the past couple of weeks. It's not important. He drinks a glass of water and smiles at the kitchen counter. But he's not happy. The smile doesn't fit on his face, he knows this. 

Minseok sighs again and leaves the kitchen, only to find himself in the bathroom, staring at the metal and glass that is their scale. The only thing Minseok relies on these days are the numbers on the scale. Numbers that are always on his mind. He strips before he steps onto the scale with closed eyes. He knows that he's calculating his own worth but he can't look at the process. The counting numbers aren't anything Minseok wishes to see. 

When he opens his eyes 30 seconds later his heart is beating in his chest and he feels suffocated. But the scale shows 59. He's below 60 now. He's lost 5 kilograms from his beginning yet the suffocating feeling doesn't disappear. He promised below 60 would be his goal but 59 sounds so big. It's so much. It feels like a failure. Minseok is a failure. He's every bad thing ever said about him and more. If only people knew how much of a failure he really is. 

He swallows the lump of disappointment and self-hatred in his throat and steps off the scale. He shouldn't have stepped on the scale but it's too late now, the red numbers burning in his vision. Minseok showers after that, tries his best to wash off the feeling he hates so bad but there's nothing he can do to remove the 59 and the disgusting feeling. He's just not good enough. 

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun looks at the hundreds of fans in front of him. They're screaming behind the window, trying to catch their attention but Baekhyun doesn't really see them. He can't understand how anyone would be an actual fan of his. Why do they think he's worthy enough of their love when he can't even love himself. When there are so many things wrong with him, why don't they see it? Here he is, in a studio with some of his band members and an MC that is trying their hardest to be funny. But it's not funny. It's just wrong. 

Yixing nudges him with a smile from beside and Baekhyun feels like he's waking up from a coma, sounds, and visions suddenly sharp around him. Sehun is talking loudly, answering some question and Jongin promises to show the key dance point from their newest promotional single a little later. And then the MC asks Baekhyun what he thinks of his band members and Baekhyun completely blanks out. He knows what he thinks of his band members but he doesn't want to admit to the world that they're all just this much better than he is because he knows the agency and their manager will kick his ass for it. 

He has an image to uphold, an image as a prankster, the funny one, the sweet and genuine one yet still the little troublemaker and Baekhyun doesn't want to be that anymore. All he wants is to hide under his blanket and never see the world again because the world should hate him just as much as he hates himself and he doesn't understand why it doesn't. 

"Are you okay, Baekhyun?" the MC asks concerned and Baekhyun wants to shout 'no' because he's not. He hasn't been okay in the past month or two, it's all wrong, he's all wrong and he's so ugly he doesn't deserve to be there. To be here. But he doesn't say anything like that, just nods and apologizes for spacing out. He laughs along to Sehun's joke of him being more spaced out than Yixing. He never gets to answer the initial question about his band members because the MC continues with the interview, laughs along with what everybody says and Baekhyun keeps quiet. He doesn't want to drag more attention towards himself. For once he's content with the shadows. 

 

Yixing corners him after the interview and asks if he's alright. Baekhyun just sends him a smile and nods. He doesn't explain his silent behavior because Yixing isn't going to understand. None of them would understand and Baekhyun still doesn't want to let any of them know. All he needs is to be alone, to stare at himself and promise himself that one day, one day he'll be beautiful enough to stand on stage alongside his band members, one day he'll be just as good as them. One day he'll understand why people look up to him, but that day isn't today. 

Baekhyun hides in their shared room when they get back to the dorm and searches EXO on Naver. When he finds an article discussing their recent live interview and his silent behavior he gets absorbed in the words. They worry and Baekhyun promises himself he can't ever let them down again. He can't let his image go again, he can't have people realize he's not as fine as he claims to be. 

He gets up and walks into the kitchen, only to find himself in another staring contest with the refrigerator. It's when the manager catches him in the kitchen, bringing take away that Baekhyun realizes what he's doing and scolds himself for being so close to being caught in the act of binging.

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok stares at his naked self in the mirror, disgusted with the reflection he sees. He sees his too tan skin and his fat hiding every muscle he has been trying to build over the past month. He sees every effort being wasted because he hasn't changed one bit and the 5 kilograms he did lose are not visible in any way. They're exactly where they used to be and Minseok lifts his fist to smash the mirror in a fit of frustrations and anger. 

He never gets to actually smash the mirror because he thinks better of it when he hears voices in the dorm and instead he gets dressed, hiding behind layer after layer of clothing to make sure he's not showing his disgusting self to his band members. Joonmyun knocks on his door and tells him their manager brought food and Minseok blinks a little. He can't eat. He can't eat, not now, no. His thoughts run into overdrive and they keep repeating the same words over and over again. Fat, no food, fat, no food, fat, fat, fat. 

So Minseok grabs his running shoes from his closet and quickly dresses up in his running clothes and when he steps out of his room, he tells the leader that he's going for a run. Joonmyeon takes one look at him from the hallway and raises an eyebrow, ready to ask something but Minseok has already slammed the front door behind him and started jogging down the stairs. He'll run for 30 minutes, 60 minutes, 120 minutes - he'll run for as long as it takes for his band members to finish dinner and to clean up so he doesn't have to eat. 

Minseok focuses on his heartbeat and his aching muscles as he keeps turning corner after corner. He doesn't hear anyone whispering or pointing at him, he doesn't see the fans that turn around to take an extra look at him to make sure it really is EXO's Xiumin. He just keeps running. 

When he finally returns home after 2 hours, sweaty and exhausted he sees a plate of food on the dinner table. He doesn't even get to ask any questions before someone is hugging him from behind and a head is placed on his shoulder. Minseok's muscles shake under the newly added weight but he doesn't have the energy to fight the other off. 

"We saved you some food, please eat it," says Jongdae behind him and Minseok's body gets stiff at the mention of food. He eyes the plate on the dinner table before he bites his lower lip. He's not eating it. He can't. But Jongdae doesn't let go of him. "You've lost weight and I'm worried about you. Please just eat a little dinner." His words, however, bring the fight back in Minseok and he pulls himself from the other's hold and turns around to look at Jongdae, food left behind him. 

"I haven't lost weight. Don't be stupid Jongdae. I'll take a shower." He begins walking away from the younger but Jongdae grabs his wrist and holds him back.

"Minseok hyung, please!" Jongdae's eyes are pleading him but Minseok can't eat it. It's junk food and take-away and he doesn't know how many calories it is. He can't eat it and not know whether or not he burned it off. He'll eat way too many calories. He'll end with 1000 calories and he can't eat 1000 calories. Minseok can feel panic rise in his body at the thought of eating 1000 calories or more. He can feel panic at the thought of losing control if he eats just a little bit of that food. 

"Just leave me alone!" he shouts and pulls his wrist from Jongdae's grip, turning around and running to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him. His heart is beating frantically and he closes his eyes and breathes deep a couple of times, tries to will himself to calm down. Having an anxiety attack is ridiculous, it's just food. He's in control, he's still in control. He can do it. 

 

☆★☆

 

It's 2.57 AM when Baekhyun crawls out of his bed and finds himself in the light of the refrigerator, staring into the cold appliance. It's almost like sleepwalking now. Just like how the visit to the bathroom is obligatory after eating. He hasn't been eating all day, has succeeded avoiding eating despite the members constant nagging. Even Sehun and Jongin have started nagging now when he's not eating and it's not making anything easier. To know that they care about him when he doesn't deserve it is only making it so much harder to not eat. But he won't ever be pretty if he eats. 

He reaches out towards the freezer and finds the ice cream and starts eating anyway. He eats and eats and goes through every shelf in the freezer and the refrigerator systematically. He has just finished eating when he hears the front door open and freezes in his movements. Someone is laughing and there's another voice hushing the first one. It sounds like secrets and Baekhyun knows he's going to see something no one was supposed to see. He's also very much aware of the fact that someone is going to see his biggest secret.

He hurriedly cleans the kitchen and closes the cold appliances before he crawls under the dinner table. He hopes it'll serve as his hiding place and that nobody will see that he is awake at this time. Two pairs of skinny legs become visible in the doorway and Baekhyun curls into himself. He remembers the food he just ate and all the food he needs to get out of his system as fast as possible. It was not supposed to even stay in his stomach for this long. But as long as someone is here, he can't do anything about it. The two people stop and enter the kitchen and Baekhyun holds his breath. He closes his eyes shut tightly when he hears someone moan and a smack of lips against skin. He doesn't want to be here.

As the two people finally leave the kitchen Baekhyun hurries from his place under the dinner table and closes the bathroom door tightly behind himself as he enters the dark room. He locks the door and falls down in front of the white porcelain, his best friend, and saviour. He curls his arms around the cold porcelain and leans over the toilet bowl. Baekhyun knows that he's going to need his fingers in order to vomit but he wants to make sure no one is going to hear him, that everybody is asleep. 

When the dorm has been quiet for what feels like hours, Baekhyun brings his fingers to his mouth and lets two fingers inside to prod before he vomits. He continues and continues and continues until he spits out a little blood and afterwards dry heaves and when he finally stands, ready to go to bed, the light flickers on outside the door and he sees the small line of light before he hears the voice.

"Are you alright in there?" Jongin asks and Baekhyun scrambles to catch the sink in order not to fall down in shock. He stares at his reflection with wide eyes and hurriedly gets rid of the evidence in the toilet. "It sounded like you were vomiting?" The door handle shakes a little when Jongin tries to open the door from the other side. Baekhyun panics. He doesn't know what to say. Is he ill? How does he fake an illness now? He has to look ill. 

He searches frantically through the drawers and shelves while Jongin gets more and more worried on the other side. A dark eyeshadow provides Baekhyun some slight dark circles under his eyes and hot water raises his temperature just slightly. It's definitely not enough to fake a fever but hopefully, he can get away without having to prove anything. He bites his lip and looks at the floor when he opens the door. "Hyung!" Jongin says and Baekhyun smiles sadly.  

"I wasn't really feeling well. Goodnight Jongin," he says and hurries away before the younger gets to ask more questions. Baekhyun closes his eyes when he finally lies in his bed. He needs to be ill tomorrow. He really needs to be ill.


	6. vi

Baekhyun doesn't get any sleep that night after Jongin catches him. He simply can't sleep. He knows there will be questions when he wakes up tomorrow because there's no way that the younger isn't going to casually mention it and now that he isn't sick he'll never be able to convince Jongin or any other member that he actually was sick yesterday night. He sighs and continues his staring into the ceiling. The light shines through curtains when Yixing's alarm rings and wakes up the older man. 

Baekhyun closes his eyes and rolls onto his side, front facing the wall. Maybe he can fake sleeping, just to make sure that nobody knows that he has been awake all night. Yixing nudges him when he gets out of his own bed and Baekhyun fakes a yawn and stretches, pretending to wake up. It's ridiculous and Baekhyun knows that his acting is lacking in every way. Still, he doesn't try better. Yixing is too tired in the morning to notice this. When Baekhyun finally gets up, dressed in sweat pants and an oversized hoodie, and enters the kitchen, Jongin looks up from his bowl of breakfast and sends him a smile.

"Feeling better?" he asks and Baekhyun notices the stares that are sent his way.

"You were feeling sick yesterday?" Chanyeol asks, voice laced with concern and Baekhyun bites his lower lip as he turns around and faces the kitchen counter. He can feel Chanyeol's stare burning but he ignores the other as he continues to find a glass and fill it with water. He's not going to eat breakfast. He must have consumed too many calories yesterday when he couldn't purge instantly after his binge so he'll make it up for it today by fasting. Baekhyun wants to be able to do it. He can do it. "Baekhyun?" Chanyeol prods and Baekhyun swallows the sip of water in his mouth. 

"Ah, yeah, I was just slightly nauseous, no need to worry guys. I'm better now after I've gotten some sleep." He smiles and tries to avoid Jongin's gaze because it feels judging and Baekhyun doesn't like to be judged when he knows he's so wrong. He's no good after all, his band members don't have to remind him of what a failure he really is. 

Minseok enters the kitchen and grabs a glass of water as well before he leaves them. Baekhyun hears Joonmyun mutter something to Kyungsoo. They sound worried and this has Baekhyun focusing on the oldest member. He knows Minseok has been dieting because the older has said so. The other is dressed in fashion very similar to his own but Baekhyun can still see his perfect, skinny frame. If only he was like Minseok and able to diet. If only he too could restrict his calories just slightly so he didn't have to constantly purge because of his lack of self-control. If only he was better. But he isn't and he leaves the kitchen with the realization that he'll never be good enough, never be able to focus like his band members. He'll never be the Byun Baekhyun they all think he is. 

"Baek...?" he hears Jongdae say just before he closes the door to his and Yixing's room, glass of water in hand. He doesn't want to be there anymore. Not anymore.

 

☆★☆

 

It's on accident that Minseok discovers the appetite curbing effect nicotine has. He's been searching through Naver daily, just to see if there are anything that can possibly help him more. Just to make sure that he's doing the best he can, that there are no more tips to find. He also discovers the pro-ana community, a community for people like him, people who understand just how worthless he is when the number on the scale says 59 instead of 58, people who also searches for the best way to keep control. Because control is really all he needs. 

_ 6) Live by the scale and the measuring tape. Unlike people, they will not lie to you. _

Minseok knows by now that the scale is all he has. The numbers never lie. Fans and netizens on Naver comment positively on his weight loss but there is nothing positive about 59 kg. when it's all fat, fat, fat. 

_ 15) Take a Niacin (Vitamin B3) supplement. _

He even manages to convince their manager that they need vitamin B3 supplements. That it'll do all of them good. The managers buy the pills and Minseok stores them away in his room. They're for him and him only. Because the other members are perfect in all their beauty and they'll never need something like this to help them. Minseok isn't really mad at them either. There's no reason to be, it's not like they chose to mock him and all his imperfections. It's not their fault either that he's on a diet. It's his fault and his alone. If only he were beautiful. 

It's through one of those daily searches on Naver that he sees it. Nicotine curbs appetite. He searches it, wants to make sure it's true but there's scientific data. It's all there. Another way to keep hunger away, another way to eat less. Minseok only quickly glances over the negative side effects of nicotine because - really, what's more important than losing weight? The only problem with nicotine is that he either needs nicotine gum or a cigarette, both which have to be kept hidden from their manager, the company, and his band members. 

He does buy a pack of cigarettes anyway the next morning though when he's running his breakfast off. It's light in his hand yet weighs a lot more than he could have ever imagined. Hidden in the back alley behind the dorm he takes the newly-purchased lighter from his pocket along with a white stick of nicotine. Minseok hasn't been smoking in years, but he's pretty sure he remembers how to do it.  

The flame flickers on when he presses his thumb against the cheap lighter and slowly he places the cigarette in his mouth. The flame licks around the white stick while Minseok inhales a few times to actually light the cigarette. When the cigarette is lit, he extinguishes the flame on the lighter and pockets it again. The first inhale is a little like breathing underwater, useless smoke making its way down his lungs. Then he coughs, the smoke making its way out of his lungs again as he tries to inhale oxygen. 

The next drag is less uncomfortable and the next even lesser. The inhales become deeper and longer. It's easy to find the rhythm again despite it being years since he last smoked a cigarette. And it works as he smokes the cigarette, his hunger no longer as prominent as it was before. Minseok isn't sure whether or not it's just his mind playing tricks on him, it might as well be, but the thought of actually curbing his appetite with a cigarette is appealing, even more so after his first cigarette in around 8 years. 

When he finishes the cigarette he ashes it on the brick wall behind him and throws it to the ground. Kyungsoo looks at him when he enters the apartment.

"You smell of smoke," he says and Minseok panics for a few seconds before he smiles.

"I met an old friend while I was running and we stopped to talk, he was smoking. It must've been it." The younger doesn't look satisfied but he says nothing when Minseok pushes past him and into the bathroom. He's going to shower and he'll brush his teeth 3 times and hopefully, it'll remove the stench of smoke. Now he only needs a way to hide his smoking from everybody else.

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun tries, he really does. He looks at his reflection in the mirror and tries to find something, anything that is worth looking at. He finds paper and post it notes and tries to write down anything, any quality that is not all that horrible but he comes up short. There's just nothing appealing about him, not physically nor in his personality. It's all just hatred. 

He even goes as far as to ask Joonmyun what he thinks of him. It's for nothing, he lies, when the leader asks him why on earth he's asking such weird questions. He just wants to know what his leader thinks of him; if there's anything he needs to improve. And Joonmyun shrugs and tells him that he's a lovely young man with a pure heart and that he's lively and funny and Baekhyun almost feels nauseous at just the thought. Neither of those things is the truth. There is nothing lovely, lively or funny about him and his heart feels nothing like a pure heart would feel. He's dragged down by constant black thoughts, painting themselves in every corner of his mind and he feels so so old. 

He doesn't tell Joonmyun any of this, just thanks the older for his opinion, sends him a supposedly lovely smile and enters the bathroom. 

He doesn't need to purge, not now because he hasn't eaten all day, hasn't eaten yet but he still can't stand to be around any other person. He doesn't want to be around anyone when he's constantly dragging them down. He locks the door and places himself on the toilet, seat down, and pulls his knees under his chin, crumbling in on himself. Just like he would have done had he been sitting in his bedroom. But he heard Yixing talk to Luhan earlier on and he doesn't want to disturb him either.

Baekhyun sighs and looks around in the room. The mirror reflects what can be seen of him and Baekhyun hates himself for even being here. He wants to disappear. He wants to be invisible. He wants to just get rid of every feeling he's feeling. It's then that his eyes catch on the razor. It lies there on the shelf, almost hidden behind towels because someone forgot to put it back where it belongs. The blade glistens in the sunlight that streams in through the small window in the bathroom and Baekhyun bites his lower lip. He shouldn't. He really shouldn't, yet he reaches for it anyway. Razors are sharp. He once cut himself accidentally, so he knows. Razors cut. But maybe that's exactly what he needs. 

His hands grip around the handle as he slowly brings it towards himself. Baekhyun holds the razor in front of his eyes and stares at it. Is it worth it? Knowing that he is not good enough, will never be good enough almost makes it worth it. It's as if he's in some sort of trance when he disconnects the blade from the handle and stares at the sharp knife between his fingers. He lightly drags it across the skin on his wrist, not leaving anything in its wake. It's just him, his dark thoughts and the metal. 

When he drags it across his skin again he adds a little pressure, the blade sinking into his skin and when he lifts it, a small drop of blood trickles out of the cut. It's a clean cut but it stings nonetheless, his skin not used to being penetrated by sharp objects. Baekhyun realizes what he's done and stares in horror at the blood drying on his arm and then on the blade in his hands before he panics and throws the blade away along with the handle. He's not there yet. He doesn't hate himself enough to actually hurt himself. Not yet. It's scary. He knows how scary it is because self-harm is usually what all the fuck up does. And he's not a fuck up. Or is he? 

Maybe he's just so fucked up that even self-harming is not even good enough for him. Maybe he's not even worthy of actually silencing his thoughts. He stares in disbelief on his wrist, the small cut still visible. Maybe he was meant to torture himself daily, mind a scattered maze of thoughts that'll never leave him. Baekhyun gets up from the toilet seat and washes his hands, his wrist, and his face before he covers his wrist with the long sleeves of his shirt. He'll never let the others know just how fucked up he is, because they'll be even more disappointed and he cannot let that happen. 

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok takes a deep breath as he stands on the scale. Stupid numbers he cannot control but he needs their confirmation that he's successful every day. He needs to see the red numbers as they become bigger and bigger, transforms from a 40 to a 50 to 60. To a 60. He stares at the red numbers that mockingly says 60.3 kg. and he wants to scream. He actually wants to scream. It's been so long since he lost control but he's mere seconds from a mental breakdown right now. He can't be 60.3 kg. He tried so hard. All the running, all the dieting, it's all in vain. All the vitamins, all the fasting, all the counting. 

Minseok feels the hot tear trail down his cheek and he bites his lip in order to keep silent. He doesn't want his band members to come running. He's so fat. They cannot see him like this. It's wrong, it's so wrong. He feels his heart beat rapidly in his chest while the numbers have disappeared on the scale, the imprint in Minseok's mind the only reminder that this is what he is. 60.3 kg. 

He is nothing but a failure, he is nothing and he will never be anything other than nothing because nothing is 60.3 kg and apparently he'll never escape the 60's. He'll never escape the 60's. The mere thought of staying at 60 kg. forever brings panic and Minseok feels like he's drowning. And then suddenly he turns 180 degrees and is almost about to yell. It can't be true, it can't be fucking true. He's the worst and he should be angry at himself. He must have done something wrong. Ran too little, eaten too much. Anything. 

He got careless, he must've gotten careless because there is no other way to explain how he could have possibly been gaining weight when he's supposed to lose it. He's supposed to lose it. He kicks the scale into the wall as he steps down and throws the door open as he stomps out of the bathroom. Sehun looks around the corner before he gets eye contact with Chanyeol and Baekhyun. 

"What's gotten into him?" the youngest asks and the other two shrugs. Minseok slams the door to his own bedroom and shouts. Frustrated outbursts of something he can no longer control. It's all because he's so stupid. He kicks at his bed and stubs his toe and shouts in pain before he finally flops down onto the mattress, exhausted beyond imagination because of an anger burst that lasted far too short in Minseok's opinion but long enough to have every member painfully aware that something is not alright. And what does he tell them when they ask him why he's angry? He doesn't have long to think up a lie when someone knocks on the door and asks him what's wrong.  

"Nothing," he shouts but the other isn't convinced. "I just stubbed my toe, really, it's nothing." He's 60.3 kg. That's all that's on his mind as he finds the lighter and contemplates smoking in his room, well-knowing that someone will most likely figure it out if he does. In the end, he only flickers the flame on and off, no smoke making its way down his lungs. Minseok goes back to searching his pro-ana community for more tips because he needs them, he needs them now more than ever. He was never good enough, to begin with.


	7. vii

"Come on, hyung!" someone says from the other side of the door. Minseok pulls his blanket above his head again. It's too early and he's too tired. He hasn't eaten anything at all in the last week and he's pretty sure someone is going to force him to eat soon enough. It's getting harder to smile like nothing is happening and his lies keep slipping from him. He cannot hold on to any truthful words the others tell him but at the same time, he doesn't really care. 

There is no truth anymore, not outside the truth that he is now 57 kg. after a full week of starvation and that he needs to start eating again if he doesn't want to lower his metabolism and fuck up again. And he doesn't, of course, he doesn't. The person on the other side of the door is joined by another one who knocks and tries opening it. But the door is locked. Minseok always locks his door these days because his room is full of sin and there is no reason anyone should be inside with him. He doesn't want to let anyone in. 

"Hyung, open the door! We have to go. You're already late as it is. Please. Manager-hyung is going to scold us so badly." There's desperation in their voices and Minseok allows himself to fall out of bed. Not literally but almost because his body is so weak that even taking a step towards his closet feels like the most strenuous task. He reaches his closet anyway and absentmindedly flips through clothing until he's dressed in what seems to be appropriate attire. 

Minseok has thrown away most of his tight-fitting clothes, given it away to charity, just to make sure that no one is ever going to ask him to wear it again just to see his gross body. There is nothing he wants more than to disappear from public right now. When he opens the door, he's facing Jongdae and Sehun. Sehun almost looks concerned but annoyance takes over his features when he sees the eldest member. Jongdae, on the other hand, looks like he's about to panic, body constantly moving in a fit of nerves. And Minseok ignores both of them when he leaves his room and goes to the front door. 

He knows he looks like shit but he always has so it's nothing new and they're only going to dance. Just to dance in a practice room. Minseok is going to burn off calories he hasn't eaten and he knows it'll take its toll on him. He knows but he doesn't tell anyone about it and he doesn't care.

 

☆★☆

 

KaTalk! 

Baekhyun turns to look at his phone on his nightstand.

KaTalk! 

He doesn't make any move to pick it up. 

KaTalk! KaTalk! KaTalk! 

Baekhyun knows it's Chanyeol because Chanyeol has been trying to reach him a lot these days, constantly texting him as if he'll disappear if Chanyeol doesn't. But Baekhyun is not going anywhere, he's just here. Admittedly, here is somewhere he doesn't want to be but that doesn't change the fact that he is here. Waiting for the urge to binge to disappear so he doesn't have to vomit and purge afterwards. 

Baekhyun doesn't know how he ended up like this, how he suddenly ended up eating every meal only to purge even the smallest amount of food. He doesn't know why he still fights the refrigerator every other night, only to be filled with disgust whenever he's hunched over the toilet. Baekhyun is pretty sure his breath must constantly smell of vomit but no one but him seems to notice it. It's only Baekhyun's guilt that constantly reminds him of what he did 2 hours ago, 30 minutes ago. Baekhyun had even tried purging on an empty stomach but it had only resulted in him scratching his throat and coughing up blood, something that had only sent him into a panic attack of some sort. 

He's not sick though. He's not sick at all because that would mean that these thoughts, these feelings are wrong but they're not. They'll never be wrong because the mirror tells the truth and he can no longer argue with his reflection. There's absolutely nothing that stops the mirror from telling him how horrible he is, how fat he is and how disgusting he is. The mirror never lies and the mirror is relentless. 

When he 5 minutes later picks up his phone he has 23 notifications from Kakaotalk and Chanyeol. He doesn't want to answer Chanyeol but he knows the other will never give up unless he does. So he opens the app and only reads halfway through the messages and emoticons that now fills their chat.  _'not right now?'_  he texts back as an answer to Chanyeol's consistent 'can we meet'. Because Baekhyun doesn't want to see the other taller man right now. In fact, if he could disappear completely and never meet him, Baekhyun would be more than satisfied but with the title 'best friend' apparently comes the privilege of meeting up and Chanyeol is set on misusing that privilege. 

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok finds himself in front of the mirrored wall with the members around him. The music is pounding from the stereo behind them and Yixing is using his body to show them the newest choreography. They're supposed to be learning this choreography for their next concert, a little treat for the fans and something to showcase their excellent dancing skills. Minseok could have wished it was only Jongin, Sehun and Yixing that were supposed to dance, but someone has decided otherwise and thus he is here. 

His breathing is a little labored despite him not being out of shape. No, if there is anything he is, it's in shape considering the amount of exercise he has been doing the past month or two. But apparently, bodies can only do so much without being fed. Minseok feels himself sway a little, head a little dizzy and he shakes his head and focuses on the Chinese man next to him in the mirror. 

Yixing's body is shaped beautifully, muscles filling out his chest like it had been carved in marble, his white skin and his long legs that make every dance move so much smoother. Just like how Jongin's dark skin tone compliments his body and makes every dance move that much stronger, that much more powerful or the way Sehun's subtle muscles makes his body flow inhumanly beautifully. Minseok doesn't belong here, not with his small height and chubby body. Minseok is ugly and the three men around him are created by Gods. 

"Hyung!" Someone laughs behind him and drags Minseok from the depths of his mind and back into the training room. He smiles sheepishly and cards a hand through his hair. 

"Sorry, I guess I'm a little tired," he says and lies when they ask him why he's spacing out. They're all ready to dance again when he hears someone mumble 'but you're always tired' and he can't really pinpoint the voice. It's only 1 minute into the new routine that Minseok feels the sound die down around him as if he's going deaf and then suddenly a flash of color interferes with his vision. He blinks, tries to get rid of the flashes of color and tries to gain back his senses and then everything is dark and silent.  

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun sits in front of the other man in a café and waits for him to say something. He's not going to be the one that initiates conversation, he's not that kind of person anymore and nobody wants to hear what he has to say anyway. But the man in front of him apparently doesn't have anything to say either. So they just sit there, waiting in silence until a ringtone breaks it all. Chanyeol takes a worried glance at Baekhyun and his green tea before he reaches down to find his phone. Baekhyun turns to stare into the liquid in his cup. No calories. Because coffee would be calories and that would mean Baekhyun would have to purge and he can't afford to let the other know what he does behind closed doors. It's all secrets and it's all the worse but no one is supposed to know how disgusting Baekhyun really is. 

He listens to Chanyeol's baritone voice and notices the concern but not the words. They're talking about something important, that's for sure. He doesn't look up until Chanyeol's fingers wrap around his wrist though and the taller man says 'we have to go to the hospital, Minseok-hyung fainted during dance practice'. The words make Baekhyun feel dizzy. 

Minseok had fainted and it's Baekhyun's fault. The logistics of how it can be Baekhyun's fault is a little harder to figure out but it's his fault nonetheless simply because it is. If Baekhyun hadn't been so stupid and gross, Minseok wouldn't have been in the hospital, that's for sure. He doesn't get to wallow in his own self-hatred, though, because Chanyeol drags him out of the café and finds a taxi. Baekhyun fights himself when the tears start to gather in his eyes but if he cries he lets Chanyeol know that something is wrong. Something, he never wants to admit, because they would all hate him. Hate the Baekhyun that is no longer Baekhyun in their eyes. Yet Chanyeol sees it and wraps an arm around Baekhyun's shoulders.  

"It's alright. Minseok-hyung is going to be alright," he whispers when Baekhyun buries his face in Chanyeol's chest and lets the tears silently flow. And while he is a little worried about Minseok, that is not the reason he cries. Chanyeol, of course, doesn't know that and Baekhyun would never let him know. His mind is filled with vile words and his conscience is guilty. 

Baekhyun needs to purge to get rid of it all, to make sure he doesn't crack and reveal the dark hole that is himself. So when they arrive at the hospital and finds Minseok's room, Baekhyun quickly excuses himself with the pathetic excuse that he needs the bathroom. He does, but not because he need to pee. With the stall locked behind him, he sinks to his knees and looks into the white porcelain bowl before he almost automatically lets his finger find its way down his throat, to prod at the uvula and provoke his stomach and esophagus to send back the green tea. He vomits the liquid solution into the toilet and notices a few drops of blood and vows to himself to cut his fingernails. He can't keep scratching his throat. As he rises from his feet he hears the door to the toilet open and he freezes.

 

☆★☆

 

When Minseok opens his eyes, he's no longer in the dance practice room. There's no mirrors, no wooden floor, and no sky wall. There is, however, white walls and an IV drop in his hand. Minseok groans when it dawns upon him that he's in the hospital. He fucked up. He fucked up big time and this is his punishment. There is no way he is ever going to be beautiful now if the doctors know what's going on. He needs a lie, Minseok needs a really really good lie. He needs a new strategy. Ditching dinner is no longer going to be enough if the doctors know. But Minseok is also determined, scarily so. The manager enters the door to the room, followed by most of the EXO-members and Minseok smiles weakly at them. 

"Fatigue," the manager says as if that's explanation enough. Minseok knows, however, that it's not fatigue. As much as he wishes it is, he knows it's not. There is something else, something he no longer can let go of. Joonmyun turns to look at him and sighs a little. Minseok knows it before he says it.

"You're never eating with us anymore, I'm worried about you." If Minseok wasn't weak right now, he might have lashed out after Joonmyun, but considering the fact that he wants the leader to stop worrying, maybe being weak is the better choice. He sends Joonmyun a half-hearted smile that never reaches his eyes. 

"Don't be, I eat at other times of the day. It's just you guys that are always eating when I'm exercising." He notices the flash of distrust in Joonmyun's eyes but the other says nothing. The door opens before anyone gets to say anything anymore and the doctor enters to prescribe Minseok some rest. He'll be discharged soon enough and all he needs is a little rest. 

But when the room is empty again, Minseok doesn't rest at all. His mind is working in overdrive, finding lies and ways to get rid of more fat, more calories. He knows Joonmyun is going to keep an eye on him and he knows that 'I'm not hungry' is not going to be an excuse for not eating anymore but he needs excuses to make sure he doesn't gain weight. He needs more exercise if he's forced to eat and he needs to keep counting his calories. Because that is ultimately the only thing Minseok can. Continue on this journey to be something he is not - perfect. Skinny and lovable. Simply perfect.


	8. viii

There's silent in the room for what feels like hours while Baekhyun holds his breath and tries to disappear. He doesn't dare move. He knows that someone is out there, someone could have heard him vomit the non-existent content of his stomach into the white porcelain bowl of the toilet and he knows that they are going to question it, question him. Baekhyun also knows that it could be anyone, it doesn't even have to be a member because he's in the hospital. This is a somewhat public restroom. He just purged in a public restroom. The knowledge makes him dizzy and he has to support himself with a hand at the stall wall. 

He hears the stall door next to him open and hurries out of his stall when he hears the lock secure the other door. He quickly cleans his hands under the running water and dries them off. Baekhyun doesn't see the other person open their stall as he hurries out of the bathroom and into the hall. A nurse smiles friendly at him as she passes him and Baekhyun sends her a smile back. His heart is beating frantically in his chest and all he wants is to get away. He doesn't want to be in the hospital anymore. It smells of death and disinfection and illness and Baekhyun doesn't belong. 

He knows he's not here because of him, though, he's here because Minseok got admitted to the hospital and he has to get back, he has to find the others and the room before they start questioning why he has been away for so long. He can't afford Chanyeol starting to ask questions or Joonmyun's worried gaze. Baekhyun doesn't deserve the worry and he definitely doesn't deserve it now that Minseok fainted. They're all so much more worth the worry than he is. Baekhyun turns left until he hears a shout from behind him. 

"Baek! The other way." The voice is familiar and it doesn't sound judging in any way and for that Baekhyun is grateful. He turns around and meets Jongdae's eyes down the hallway, the other standing in the doorway to a room. Jongdae waves his hand a little and Baekhyun hurries down the hallway until he meets the other in front of the door. Jongdae smiles a little and pats his back. Baekhyun thinks it's unnecessary, he doesn't need to be comforted, but he can't help feel guilty when he turns his head and looks at the eldest of their band members in the hospital bed, IV drip in his hand. Baekhyun enters the room warily and sends Minseok a smile the other returns with a big smile of his own. 

"I'm okay," the eldest say and Baekhyun nods a little, lump in his throat making it nearly impossible for him to speak. If only he had been better then Minseok wouldn't be here in the first place. Minseok wouldn't have been hurting the way he is now, Joonmyun wouldn't have been looking at him with worried eyes, Jongdae wouldn't be avoiding looking at the bed. Baekhyun almost feels the need to vomit again, get his new-found guilt out but he knows it's too risky to purge again. Someone might notice him, one of the members might question why he needs to go back to the bathroom. He can't afford anyone knowing just how horrible he is for inflicting such pain on his band members. Chanyeol squeezes his shoulder as the doctor tells them that Minseok needs rest.

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok gets discharged the next day around noon. He leaves the hospital with a lie that he'll take better care of himself and a smile that only seems to fool himself. The manager is there to pick him up after he signs the discharge papers and the other man says nothing on the ride home. This, of course, only means Minseok has plenty of time to actually think about what has happened and what lie is the best. He had spent the night thinking about solutions, ways to not eat in front of his band members and ways to stop himself whenever he had to. There are so many things he could be doing, so many things he should be doing. Just to lose the next kilogram. It's not for Minseok, it's for EXO. 

He grabs the tablet the manager hands him in the car and instead of searching his own name on Naver like he would have done before, he opens an incognito tab and searches 'pro ana tips and tricks'. When that doesn't give him the results he wants, he goes in further, searching for lies that can possibly hide what needs to be hidden.  

_"If they are expecting you to eat with them, cut up the food to really small pieces and push it to a corner, have a glass of water nearby to sip on to give an illusion. OR if they tell you to actually eat in front of them chew the food, and have an EMPTY cup nearby and spit it into the cup."_

Minseok absorbs everything, knows most of the lies, but it never hurt to seek out advice from those who understand, those who know what he's trying to accomplish. Not that Minseok ever commented on any such forum or made his presence known. Making himself known on the internet would only cause an uproar, an uproar that would probably result in something horrible. Minseok doesn't want to hurt the other members in his band by his reckless behavior, that's why he's doing this in the first place. That's why he's getting skinnier day by day. That's why he lies. It's all to protect them from the horrible person that is Minseok. The manager stops the car suddenly and Minseok hurries to close down the tab, making sure that his search results are gone for good. 

"Rest," the manager says as he leads Minseok into the building and into the dorm. The other members are around, some are eating, others are lounging in the living room. He even thinks he hears Luhan's shrill voice from the living room when Yixing tells him what have happened the day before. Minseok hurries into his own room and shuts the door behind him, only to stare at the mirror. Fat. Right there, everywhere. There is nothing remotely attractive about him and the band-aid on his hand where the IV-drip has been is just a reminder of how unwanted he is. He sinks to the floor, tears about to flow when someone knocks on his door. It takes seconds before Minseok is laying in his bed, cover drawn over his fat body. 

"Hey, I brought you lunch," Joonmyun's voice says behind him and Minseok slowly turns around, feigning fatigue. If he can fool the hospital staff into thinking he is fatigued, he should be able to fool their leader into thinking the same. It has to be possible. 

"Just put it on my table, I'll eat it before I fall asleep," he says and Joonmyun nods a little, eyes not quite convinced but he says nothing when he puts the plate on Minseok's nightstand and leaves the room. Minseok eyes the food, feels nauseous, rolls around and stares into the wall. He's not going to eat it.

 

☆★☆

 

"Come on Baekhyun, what is wrong with you today?" Their vocal trainer looks at him with a soft gaze yet Baekhyun can feel the judgment pouring from her. Something is wrong. He's not good enough. He knew when he woke up that he would have trouble reaching the high notes but he had never expected it to be this much of a problem. Baekhyun tried downing three glasses of water in the hopes that it would ease the soreness in his throat but nothing had helped. Having difficulties swallowing doesn't make singing easier either. He swallows and ignores the burn down his throat before he sends her a smile. 

"I think I might be catching a cold," he croaks and she sighs. Baekhyun knows that it's stupid. It's a stupid lie, why would he be getting a cold now? They have promotion to do, he should be singing just like the rest of them. Admittedly, not singing is the better choice when it comes to EXO because they have vocalists much stronger than him and Joonmyun needs his primetime anyway. But not being able to sing because his throat is simply acting up is horrible and knowing that it is all his fault is making everything worse. Knowing that he is the one that drags the rest of the team down, that he is the one that is the reason they have to do some playback, that he is the only member that doesn't improve is tearing him down and oddly enough it makes him want to go vomit into the toilet. 

It's ridiculous. It's stupid. It's the reason he's like this in the first place but as much as he hates it, he also needs it. It's the only thing that makes him feel a little better when the guilt is crushing him, whenever he's not good enough and it's often. It's often that he's listening to other people's wants and wishes and it's too often that he feels it drag him down. He apologizes when she sends him home, tells him that they can't work when his throat isn't in perfect condition and that he has to eat some throat lozenges to get better quickly. Baekhyun wanders the hallways afterwards, wondering where he went wrong. All he wanted, all he wants, is to be perfect, to be the one they can be proud of, the one they can celebrate. The one that isn't so horribly inadequate. But he'll never escape it. 

He enters a small room he knows as the nurse's office but she's not there. When he'd first started training he had heard people talk about the room as the 'torture chamber' and he'd been curious. The room looks nothing like a torture chamber, though, it's a small room with a desk, a chair behind it, medical books on a shelf at the end wall and an examination table in the middle. To the left are a scale and other medical measurements. Baekhyun had quickly learned that it was dubbed the torture chamber by female idols and trainees for the monthly weigh-in. He, himself, had never been here for a weigh-in, had always been fine in the company's eyes without being watched over. 

Now he regrets never going here for a weigh-in. He should have, should have let them known just how wrong he is. Without thinking, he locks the door behind him and starts stripping. The numbers hadn't mattered much before, the reflections he saw in mirrors, windows and other's eyes enough judgment to decide that he wasn't worthy of what he had. He folds his shirt and places it on the examination table before he slides his pants off as well. He stands in his underwear before he takes the decision and steps onto the scale. 

The red numbers calculate his self-worth, just like the mirror does all the time, and when they stop at a frightening 54.7 kg. Baekhyun almost feels like he's being suffocated. He should have never even tried. The feeling of disgust bubbles up through his throat and he knows there's only one way to relieve the feeling, there's only one way to rid himself of the horrible feeling of disgust that is himself.

 

☆★☆

 

When he wakes up in the afternoon the food is still on his bedside table, mocking him and luring him in and Minseok knows he has to be stronger than that. Without much thought, he empties the plate into his trash can and stares into the gross mix of food and paper. No. He shouldn't be eating. If he starts eating he won't be able to stop again. Slowly he puts the plate back on the bedside table and scoots back until his back is flush against the wall. His stomach is growling, wanting, begging for nutrition and Minseok's mind is screaming at him to not eat, to not indulge. He's been so good the past weeks, he succeeded. He cannot eat now and ruin everything. It's in the trash anyway. No one wants to eat from the trash. 

Minseok spends 5 minutes fighting his mind before he gets up from his bed, grabs the empty plate and before he leaves his room he plasters a smile on his face that hides the internal battle. Joonmyun sends him a smile when he eyes the empty plate and Minseok cleans it without a sound in the kitchen. Chanyeol is playing his guitar in the living room, probably trying to compose while Jongdae is playing some racing game Minseok doesn't know. He can just hear the sounds.

As soon as he finishes cleaning the plate, he leaves again, this time hiding in the bathroom. Jongin says something that gets muffled by the door that sounds like 'lets order some food, mmh' and Minseok doesn't think he can survive anymore. He wants to run, he wants to hide if his band members are truly going to order food from outside. As if it's not enough that he doesn't know the amount of calories in food he doesn't cook himself, he knows that he will be forced to sit in front of Joonmyun and actually eat. Minseok doesn't want to be forced into eating when all it does is make him ugly. 

He smiles at his reflection but the mirror only contorts his reflection into something ugly. Something he has always been. Ugly. Horribly horribly ugly. Minseok is about to find the scale when someone knocks on the door and desperately pulls the door handle. Lies. It's all lies that slip through his lips when he leaves the bathroom and tells Jongin that he's fine with ordering fried chicken and goes to sit on the couch beside Jongdae who sends him a smile and ruffles his hair affectionately.

"You'll be eating with us, right hyung?" he says and sends a smile so blinding yet vulnerable Minseok's way that Minseok wants to curl into the other's side and cry because he's so unworthy of such a sight. Instead, he smiles and nods.

"Of course."

 


	9. ix

Minseok swallows the lump in his throat and eyes the fried chicken on his plate. Jongin almost finished one chicken alone, the other’s are all done as well. The only one that hasn’t eaten yet is him. He’s been pushing the food around, picking at it with his chopsticks, smaller and smaller pieces until there’s nothing left but fried crumbs and strips of chicken. A few of the other’s eye him but Minseok doesn’t see it. He only sees the chicken on his plate, begging to be devoured and fighting against it. 

“Hyung?” someone asks and Minseok identifies it to be Chanyeol. He looks up and smiles at the taller, younger boy. He has to find a lie, any lie, just so he doesn’t worry them. There’s something wrong with him, he knows, nobody lies as much as he does, but it’s the only way. “Are you alright?” And Minseok settles on taking advantage of his small trip to the hospital. 

“I guess I’m still a little tired. I’m not really hungry.” Joonmyun is about to say something when Minseok turns to look him straight in the eyes. “I ate your food, Joonmyun. Just … let me rest.” He rises from his place and leaves the chicken untouched and all of his band members staring after him. Before he shuts the door he hears Jongin say ‘I swear he lost weight.’ Minseok hasn’t though. He hasn’t lost anything other than his sanity but it’s a fair price to pay if he becomes prettier, thinner, better than he was before. He lies in his bed, stares into the ceiling and thinks of smoke and cigarettes and beautiful bodies. He thinks of his sunbaenims, of the dancers with their skinny thighs, of all the male idols that work out and become muscular and beautiful. Unlike Minseok. Because Minseok is not them and he’ll never be. 

He almost gets a shock when the door opens, but it’s dark outside and dark inside and he closes his eyes and pretends to sleep. Somewhere in his mind, he scolds himself for not locking his door. The door has to stay locked forever so no one enters and sees just what a failure he is. But he’s pretty sure the other person can’t see him, not in the darkness and not considering how silent they’re being as they walk to his bed. Minseok is sure the other can hear his unsure breathing, that the other will scold him and tell him to eat, tell him he’s as bad as he really is and tell him to leave EXO. But the other doesn’t. The other just stays there for what feels like eternity. Minseok is about to make a relieved sigh when he hears the other shift, but then there’s the weight of another body on his mattress and someone curling up to him. Arms wrapping around his fat frame and a head nestled close to his neck. Minseok stills. He should pretend to sleep, pretend not to notice. He doesn’t want the other to realize that he’s awake. 

“I’m worried,” whispers Jongdae’s voice into the room. It’s whispered into Minseok’s neck but he’s almost positive that the other doesn’t know that he's awake. “You’re getting so skinny and you scared me so much when you fainted hyung. Please, just … be alright, okay?” The hot breath disappears from his sensitive skin and Minseok feels goosebumps all over his body when Jongdae gets off of the bed and leaves the room with a shaky breath. The second the door shuts, Minseok breaks down, tears flowing down his cheeks as he curls into fetal position. He doesn’t deserve this concern. They don’t deserve the burden he is. Everything is wrong - and the only solution Minseok’s mind can come up with is losing even more weight and everything is just so wrong.

 

☆★☆

 

He knows he has to get himself together. Baekhyun takes a deep breath and turns to look at the stage. The others are with him but he feels incredibly alone as he eyes the band before them. It’ll be okay, of course, it will, it always is and his throat hasn’t been hurting today at all. He can do this. As long as his voice doesn’t crack while on stage then it’s okay. He feels a large hand on his shoulder and turns to smile at Chanyeol who gives him a reassuring smile before Sehun pats his ass and nods his head towards the stage. It’s now or never. The fans’ screams are almost deafening but today they don’t drown his own heartbeat. Baekhyun feels awkward on stage. He takes a look around his band members, noticing their flawless bodies and the way their stage outfits make them shine even brighter. It only makes him feel horribly fat in his own stage outfit and he tries to hide a little behind Joonmyun. For the first time in forever Baekhyun actually thanks someone that he’s not taller than he is. It makes it so much easier to go unnoticed. 

The music begins and he dances, just like the rest of them. He tries his hardest not to think of all the fat the fans can see when he dances and instead only focus on his voice. And then just as he’s about to hit the high note he feels a slight scratch in his throat and swallowing some saliva doesn’t help. He’s doomed, he’s doomed, he’s doomed. His mind instantly goes in loop like a broken record and in less than 10 seconds Baekhyun has convinced himself that there’s nothing he can do, his singing career is over and maybe it’s for the better. But as much as he doesn’t believe in himself, he has to sing - otherwise, he’s ruining it for the rest of them. And he can’t ruin it for the rest of them. It’s enough that he ruins it by being Byun Baekhyun, he can’t actively ruin it for them. 

He takes a deep breath, throat hurting before he belts out his high note and miraculously hits it, only to crack when he joins the chorus again and it feels like the world falls upon his shoulders. He cracked. Byun Baekhyun, main vocalist of EXO, just cracked. He feels the judgment from the world, sees the confused gazes his band members send him and completely shuts down. His body is moving on autopilot as he dances the rest of the song, not singing another line. It’s not that he has to, he doesn’t have any more individual lines. Luckily.

As they file off the stage he hears Lay talk to him, say something but Baekhyun doesn’t register the words and he hurries away from the rest of his band. He’s horrible. Disgusting. Terrible. A disgrace to earth and definitely to EXO and he doesn’t deserve to live. Kyungsoo finds him in a backstage toilet and helps him into the car. Joonmyun tries to convince Baekhyun to tell him what happened since he cracked if he’s okay, did he drink enough water and Baekhyun keeps quiet all the way home. He doesn’t intend to say anything to the leader because there is nothing he can say other than he is absolutely disgusting and he’s pretty sure that’s not what the leader wants to hear.

 

☆★☆

 

He’s done something stupid. Something incredibly stupid. Something incredibly important. Nevermind the fact that he had to sneak out to buy it, no, that’s not the stupid thing. The stupid thing is staring at him from its place on the floor, smiles at him wickedly, lures him forward and tells him to strip, to show himself, to prove himself. The brand new scale on the floor that is Minseok’s and Minseok’s only. Because he bought it. It begs him to step onto it, begs him to let it weigh him, to let it tell him just how much he weighs, just how fat he is, just how little he is worth. It’s stupid, he knows it is, but it so much easier now, so much easier to know what he’s worth now that he doesn’t have to hide the scale and the numbers from the members. 

Minseok strips off his clothes. He’s completely naked, staring at his reflection in the floor-length mirror that already tells him how fat he is, how he’s just not good enough and then he steps onto the scale. Staring as the numbers flashes up, up, up, until they settle on 55.6. And Minseok should have known that he wasn’t worth anything when he bought the scale, should have known he was still too fat when he looked in the mirror. He should have known that whatever Jongdae is worried about is unjustified because nothing is wrong anymore, there is only Minseok and 55.6 and it’s not good enough, will never be good enough, has never been good enough. He takes a deep shaky breath and steps off the scale again and as he pushes it under his bed and hides the number, he feels determined to get rid of the 5’s. Minseok crumbles under his cover and searches through his drawer in his nightstand until he finds his cigarettes and his lighter. 

He shouldn’t be smoking in his room but he needs the cigarette to fill his lungs and the smoke to cover his ugly conscience and the numbers. The first drag calms him down immediately and it helps ease his mind as the smoke slowly clouds his appetite as well. He sits in his bed, naked while he smokes one cigarette after the other, and he knows he’ll probably get caught but he’d rather have the scolding than the appetite and the horrible numbers. He lights his third cigarette and takes a drag when the door opens and Sehun enters. 

“Hyung, are you…?” he says before he sees the older man with his blanket draped over his lap, cigarette in his hand. But instead of scolding Minseok for smoking or fetching the manager, the younger sneaks inside and closes the door behind him. “Can I have one?” he asks and gestures towards the package on the bed. Minseok doesn’t even think about it as he takes the pack of cigarettes and hands it towards Sehun. The younger takes a cigarette and lights it. They sit in silence and smoke and when Sehun gets up again, he turns to look at Minseok. “You might want to open the window before Joonmyun thinks you’ve set something on fire in here.” He smiles a little and leaves and Minseok is left on his bed. He doesn’t even think of the interaction, his mind still looping the 55.6. What a gross person he is. 

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun sits in the bathroom. He’s staring at the fogged mirror that is hiding his reflection. He just got out of the shower. He still hasn’t said a word to anyone since they got off stage and he’s too afraid to go on the internet. Baekhyun is sure there will be countless of articles, words black on white telling just what a bad singer he is, how he doesn’t deserve to be in EXO, how he's dragging EXO down - all those things he already knows. He puked in the shower. Two fingers down his throat as if it was the world’s easiest thing and maybe it is. Maybe it’s what he was created to do. Vomit. The harsh stream of water and the radio had concealed his sounds. Only Baekhyun is drowning in sounds that aren’t pleasant but it is so necessary. It is the only thing he can count on, the only thing that makes him just a little cleaner, a little purer, a little thinner. And it is needed until he becomes better than this. Until then he'll keep drowning. 

Now he’s sitting on the toilet seat, remembering the few drops of blood that came when he vomited. They have now been washed down the drain, forgotten. He knows that he can’t keep scratching his throat but he also can’t stop. He looks around the room and takes a deep breath before he reaches towards his razor. Last time he lightly dragged the razor over his skin he was afraid of it. He wasn’t fucked up. But it’s all different now. His voice wasn’t cracking, his body wasn’t this ugly, he wasn’t this useless and he wasn’t vomiting at every chance he got. 

Baekhyun doesn’t want to be fucked up, he really doesn’t, but being as disgusting as Baekhyun already instantly qualifies as a fuck-up. He sighs when he turns the razor in his hands and slowly removes the blade from it’s safe plastic. Sharp, ready to cut, ready to make all those marks he already has. He bites his lower lip as he drags the blade across his naked inner thigh and it stings. It stings so bad when he adds pressure to the skin and the blood slowly starts pressing its way out. It’s a little like last time except this time the blood doesn’t scare him. It scared him the first time he scratched his throat but it doesn’t anymore. It’s just blood. So he drags the blade in another cut close to the other and winces at the pain. It’s stupid, he’s stupid and ugly and he’s just going to be even uglier and he knows. Baekhyun knows but he doesn’t know what part of his brain that lets him continue dragging the blade over his skin, droplets of blood finding their way over his no longer clean thighs. 

It’s not until Kyungsoo knocks on the door and asks him if he’s done that Baekhyun realizes what he’s doing. He scolds himself, wondering where he went wrong but the truth is - he was always wrong. He doesn’t answer Kyungsoo but presses a bandaid to his cuts and gets dressed, sweatpants hiding his ugly legs and t-shirt hiding his hideous torso. He’ll be pretty one day, he’ll be good enough one day. Baekhyun keeps whispering these words to himself. One day but today is not that day. Today is not that day and Baekhyun can’t quite convince himself it’ll come even though he tries. Because he was never good enough to begin with.


	10. x

Baekhyun wants nothing more than to be perfect. Is it too much to ask? Is he hurting someone by wanting to be better? He's not doing it for him. Not really at least. It's all for someone else, for Chanyeol, for EXO. Hell, it's for Taeyeon if she wants him to despite it being months since they broke up. Baekhyun pulls his knees under his chest and leans back against the couch. Dating. He had been the first EXO member to publicly date. Kim Taeyeon. Beautiful as a goddess and worth more than Baekhyun will ever be - and they had been dating. He sighs and stares into the television in the hopes of forgetting where his mind is seemingly taking him. There's some music show on but Baekhyun isn't really watching. Around him are the members, some are talking, others are watching the show. The only one that isn't there is Minseok. Jongin nudges Baekhyun's knee with his foot and Baekhyun wakes from his trance of thought.

"What?" he asks and Jongin smiles and points to the hallway.

"Joonmyun hyung asks you to get Minseok hyung." Joonmyun complains from the kitchen that he had asked Jongin to do it, not Baekhyun. Jongin just pouts and buries into the couch. "But I'm so comfortable!" Then he blinks wide puppy eyes at Baekhyun and the smaller man sighs, uncurls and gets up from the couch. Baekhyun supposes it can help him take his mind off of the thoughts that just won't go away with the TV before they develop into something that will haunt him long into the night. He trudges down the hallway until he reaches the closed door and knocks on it twice. There's no answer from inside.

"Hyung?" he asks silently and wonders if the other is simply just ignoring him because he doesn't want to talk to Baekhyun. If it had been Jongin, Minseok would have probably hurried to open his door and get out there and be social with the others. He tries again but there's still no answer. It's definitely him. Who else would it be? The only one in EXO that is so wrong is him. He sighs a little. "Jongin says Joonmyun said that you should join the others in the living room." Baekhyun leaves the door after that but he doesn't return to the living room. Instead, he hides in his own room, under his own blanket. He should have known. Nobody wants to be with Baekhyun as long as he isn't perfect.   
 

☆★☆  
 

There are many things Minseok regrets. One of them is accepting Luhan's phone call a week later. The other excitedly announces that he will visit Korea and they should definitely meet. And Minseok doesn't have any excuse that they shouldn't. They haven't seen each other in months and Minseok can't really deny that he misses his best friend. At the same time, his mind keeps telling him that Luhan doesn't deserve actually seeing him and how ugly he is and - God forbid, they were going to eat anything. Minseok agrees to meet up with him, though. Luhan suggests going out to eat, just like Minseok had feared. He mentions how much he misses Korean barbecue and Minseok tries really really hard to come up with activities that doesn't involve eating. But Luhan isn't really set on 'walking in the park' or 'just staying inside the dorm'. 

"We have to eat, Minseok! Yixing told me you were getting skinny, ay, are you missing me that much? I need to come to Korea to feed you, don't I?" Luhan had said and the joke had been obvious but Minseok had felt his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach. He wasn't skinny enough for Luhan to 'come feed him'. But there had been no way to avoid it.

Which is why he is now seated in front of the taller Chinese man who is talking animatedly about his newest project. Minseok wants to praise him for how well he's doing but his mind seems to constantly focus on the pieces of meat that disappear down Luhan's throat.

"Eat," Luhan says and laughs as he picks up a piece of meat and makes a lettuce wrap for Minseok. He reaches towards the smaller, opens his mouth while he says 'aaah' and gestures Minseok to do the same. It takes a huge amount of willpower not to lean back, shake his head and keep his lips sealed and when he finally chews on the mixture of vegetable and meat he feels chills down his spine. It tastes so good that Minseok wants to cry. The meat is tender and soft and the juice is almost too much to handle. The lettuce gives a crunchy edge to the entire mix and the onion Luhan had placed in there as well brings out the strong taste that only enhances the meat so much more. 

Minseok can almost practically feel himself drooling and it's only when Luhan laughs that he realizes that is exactly what he's been doing. Minseok feels panic wash through his veins as his body craves the food in front of him as if he's been deprived for months. But it's not like that. Minseok has been eating. Just only very small amounts and only when the manager was nearby. He cannot afford to give it all up so easily. But it's all so delicious and it's right there in front of him. "Oh, hang on," Luhan says and finds his phone. He sends Minseok a dazzling smile before he lifts it to take a selfie. Minseok smiles to the camera as if on reflex and brings his fingers to create a V. They eat in silence, Minseok scoffing when Luhan reaches out to feed Minseok another piece of meat.

"I'm not a baby!" Minseok laughs. "I can eat on my own." Luhan smiles.

"That's good to know. Then eat." And Minseok does. He knows he's going to regret it for the next 25 years but it just tastes so good and it's been so long since he allowed himself to actually taste meat - and he can't stop. At one point Luhan lifts his phone and Minseok supposes he takes more photos of their dinner.   
 

☆★☆

   
There are only 2 things in the world that Baekhyun is good at. Eating too much and vomiting it up afterwards. Right now he's doing exactly that. Eating too much, that is. Because for some reason, seeing the 52.9 kg on the scale this morning wasn't enough to disgust him into fasting the entire day. If Baekhyun is, to be honest, he did fast but then his mother had called him and asked him to eat dinner with them - and he had done just that. Not much, of course. His mother had been fussing all the time, "you're getting too skinny Baekhyun, what are they feeding you, are they starving you, I swear if SM Entertainment isn't feeding you enough," and Baekhyun had promised that it wasn't the company's fault. He wasn't skinnier anyway. Sure, last time he'd stepped on the scale he had been 54 but the scale was lying anyway because Baekhyun wasn't even close to 50. No, he was more like 70.

His mother had then left for a coffee with a friend, his father working and here he is. Seated on the floor of his childhood kitchen with the refrigerator wide open. It doesn't even matter that it's not the same old dorm fridge because the war isn't any smaller. It's probably bigger and tougher, just because Baekhyun knows how delicious his mother's food is. There are wrappers around him and open plastic boxes and his fingers are colored red from the kimchi he has been shoveling inside. 

And now that he stares into the cold wonder of the no-longer full refrigerator he can't seem to actually forgive himself for the sin.He cannot eat. And then he turns his head towards the wall clock and realizes in horror that he has to hurry if he needs to both clean and vomit before his mother returns home and sees what a mess her son is. Cleaning isn't the bigger problem of the two, no, the vomiting is. He does the dishes, fills a trash bag and instead of throwing it into the trash can like he normally would, he hurries down the stairs and throws it in the large trash can outside their complex. No one will ever know he ate so much. Thankfully. Baekhyun doesn't make it in before his mother catches him just as he opens the front door and she smiles at him.

“Are you leaving us already?” she asks as they enter the apartment together, her tone sad at the thought of her youngest son leaving them so soon. Baekhyun sends her a wide smile that feels so fake it almost has him cracking down when he shakes his head. 

“No, I was just about to take a small walk when I realized I forgot my phone. I'll be back home in 30 minutes or so.” He hurries into the apartment, grabs his phone and his jacket and leaves again. His mental clock is ticking rather fast now. He needs to vomit and he needs to vomit right now in order to get rid of everything he just ate. Everything. The longer he waits, the more will get absorbed and the more will turn to fat. The longer he waits, the fatter he will get. 

Baekhyun still knows the area of Bucheon like his inner pockets and he navigates with such precision that it's no wonder that he 15 minutes later is standing in the darkest of dark back alleys. The alley has a bad reputation, has had ever since Baekhyun was a child - and maybe that's exactly why he's here. Hopefully, no one will come by and see him with two fingers down his throat. But that is exactly what he does as he crouches closer to the ground and purposefully forces dinner up into a long forgotten trash can. It'll smell horrible and Baekhyun almost feels sorry for the person who'll clean it up, but the important thing is that he vomits. When he stands up and looks around he finds pulling his jacket closer around him, hiding. Nobody is there so his secret is still secret. As Baekhyun returns home his willpower seems to have gotten back. It's easier to reject the fruit that she so carefully has cut. 

As he's driving back home to the dorm later that evening he can't seem to wonder what anyone would say if they knew that Byun Baekhyun of EXO vomited into a trash can in a back alley. It probably won't be good. He also keeps thinking about how he still vomits in the dorm with the other members there but hadn't dared vomit in his own house with his mother there. In the end, he concludes that it's because he can't disguise it with showers like he can at the dorm. The members are too busy to notice him anyway. 

☆★☆

  
“What?!” Anger is boiling from a place so deep within Minseok that he didn't even know it existed. He's outraged, completely filled with rage as he stares at the small smartphone screen. “You did what?!” Jongdae fidgets behind Yixing and the Chinese calmly holds a hand stretched towards Minseok, silently asking to have the phone back. But Minseok doesn't intend on giving it back. Right there on the small screen is he, cheeks so disgustingly full as he keeps filling more and more into them. It is practically visible to Minseok how kilograms gather on his face as he eats and he can't believe that Luhan had videotaped him eating. “What the fuck made you think this was okay?!” He turns in a circle, hand gripping his hair before he stares back at the two EXO-M members left. Minseok could kill right now if he was allowed. 

“We were just worried about you,” Jongdae says, still hiding behind the taller Chinese. Yixing snatches his phone away from Minseok and the oldest of them are left absolutely stunned. Worried. Hah, they have nothing to worry about.

“Luhan is worried about you too,” Yixing offers as if it's going to help anything and Minseok sneers. Luhan doesn't mean anything when he betrayed him. Instead of saying anything, though, he leaves the two of them and slams his door as he enters his bedroom. Minseok is completely, utterly horrified of the 10 seconds long video of him eating and stuffing his mouth. And there's more of them. Apparently, 60 seconds of him eating as if nothing is wrong. 

He can't believe Jongdae and Yixing had asked Luhan to take proof of him eating. He can't believe they actually planned it. He's so angry that smoking isn't even going to help him calm down and the scale under his bed and the mirror aren't doing anything but anger him further. They had needed proof! Minseok can't believe they don't trust him. He swears they've seen him eat! He eats. Sometimes. Rarely. When it feels okay to eat. But not like this. He continues walking around in his room, if anything it'll burn a few calories after his dinner. Jongdae knocks on his door and calls out to him but he ignores him. Traitor. Worried, his ass. The only thing there is to worry about is gaining weight and they tricked him. 

10 minutes later when he's more level headed he does realize that their so-called proof is evidence he is eating, that there's nothing wrong, nothing to worry about. And with a few well-created lies, he'll prove them right. He'll prove to them that he, too, can be pretty and skinny without their cruel ways of making him gain weight again. He'll play their game, but only because it's no longer their game - it's his game. 


	11. xi

His stylist is looking at him with a raised eyebrow. Minseok ignores her as he eyes his stage outfit. It looks cold and unflattering. And sure, his two long-sleeved shirts and sweater is enough to hide his body from the scrutiny of everyone else but even he knows that he can't wear that on stage. That outfit though? He doesn't like it. So he tells his stylist that and she sighs. 

"It's almost impossible to find something you like these days," she says and Minseok knows but that's only because he's still fat and every stage outfit will display his gross body to the world. But the problems with this outfit are far too many and he doesn't like it. At all. "I promise it will look good on you. Just try it on. I'll find a long-sleeved shirt if it just isn't working." And they're so busy backstage that Minseok can't really complain more than he already does. They're going to run late if he keeps throwing a fit. He's pretty sure the fans would hate him more than they already do if he kept the rest of the members waiting. Ideally he shouldn't step on stage but he's still a part of EXO and until someone throws him out, he'll have to do his work, even if he hates it. 

So he takes the sleeveless shirt with him and goes to hide in privacy. Minseok doesn't want to change in front of all the others. He hasn't shown his body to anyone in the past months and until he becomes handsome he isn't going to. He's freezing. A lot. Minseok doesn't know how it can be so cold in such a stressful working environment but it is. He shivers and makes a quick decision to cover his torso with his sweater after he's dressed. 

"I'll take it off before stage," he says as his stylist eyes him but before she gets to say anything, the make-up artist has already called for him. It's the same routine. They make him less ugly, hides his imperfections but they cannot hide his ugly soul and his hideous body, so Minseok always fights his thoughts as he sits in these chairs in front of a mirror. He has closed his eyes. If he gazes into the mirror he'll see nothing but fat and he doesn't want to see that. It'll only serve to make hiding and smiling on stage so much harder and he doesn't need that. A soft hand touches his cheeks before it applies what Minseok thinks is bb cream. 

"Your skin is so dry." Minseok shrugs. Maybe. He doesn't know. The make-up artist keeps talking about skin care and how he needs to do more of it, but Minseok doesn't listen because who cares? It'll be alright when he becomes skinny and pretty. It'll be glowing when he has finally become the perfect Kim Minseok that fits EXO. Having his hair styled doesn't take long either, there's not much to style anyway, yet it still warrants the same scolding and the same lecture. 'Your hair is becoming so thin, remember to take care of it'. And he will when he becomes pretty. Because until then, who cares about his hair or his skin when all he sees is fat, fat, fat. As he's hushed off to the stage he sees a dazzling smile and hears a 'you look good hyung' and completely shuts down. Far too many lies in a world where only he tells the truth.

 

☆★☆

 

When Baekhyun wakes up two days after their last concert in Seoul with nausea, heartburn and the feeling of something being stuck in his throat, his first thought is 'I'm dying'. His second thought is 'finally'. It turns out that dying takes longer than Baekhyun initially thought it would and in the end he has to scramble from his bed to get a glass of water. A glass of water doesn't ease his throat nor his nausea and soon enough he's hunched over the toilet bowl that has become his friend, but this time he's involuntarily vomiting for the first time in years. It burns through his esophagus but the sensation is so familiar, so welcome that he almost feels proud of his body for getting rid of the water on its own accord. Kyungsoo, on the other hand, isn't very proud of Baekhyun's body as he observes the singer hunched over the porcelain. 

"Are you alright?" he asks and Baekhyun turns around when he finishes his dry-heaving, panic flashing through his eyes before he calms down and nods a little.

"Nausea," he says and for once he isn't lying. Kyungsoo enters the bathroom and places his hand on Baekhyun's forehead. He has a raised brow and he doesn't seem to believe Baekhyun very much.

"You don't have a fever." Baekhyun tries to swallow his saliva and then realizes it's horribly painful to do so. 

"It really is true, though, I was nauseous." Kyungsoo doesn't seem very convinced but he doesn't say anything else as he leaves Baekhyun on the cold tile floor, the stench of his liquid vomit now reaching his nostrils. He's not as weak as he would've been had he not been vomiting almost daily for months, but Baekhyun can't help himself when he still fakes out a weaker stance. In order to fool the rest of his apparent illness, he mustn't show how used he is to vomiting. The nausea is back anyway. When he enters the kitchen he finds Joonmyun, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol. Chanyeol looks at him with wide worried eyes and Baekhyun feels guilt surge through him. Stupid, tall, perfect person who calls himself Baekhyun's best friend and is obviously worried about him. 

"Soo says you're sick," Chanyeol says before the leader has gotten a word out. "I'll take you to the hospital." The panic that flashes through his eyes at this idea is a lot harder to conceal. No. No hospitals. Hospitals are filled with doctors, doctors who will know what he's done and doctors who will be able to see through his lies. But Joonmyun nods.  

"That's a good idea, Chanyeol." And Baekhyun's protests are unheard as Chanyeol steers him from the kitchen and into the hallway and starts getting dressed. Baekhyun wants to fight against him, stop it but all he can do to keep up his illness act is act as sick and weak as possible. And sure, he's still nauseous and there's still the feeling of something indefinable in his throat, but it's absolutely nothing against the horror of seeing a doctor.

The diagnosis isn't death, however. It's esophagitis. Inflammation of the esophagus. He lied through all questions about his medical history. The doctor concluded it must've been a bacterial infection and is about to prescribe antibiotics when Chanyeol opens his large mouth and tells the doctor about his body. Baekhyun glares at the other. As if it's not enough that he is smiling and telling the doctor that it's definitely bacteria and that he doesn't vomit at all and that it has been years since he last vomited safe for this morning. 

The doctor listens to Chanyeol's concern about what the taller calls 'Baekhyun's way too skinny body' and the doctor kindly asks Baekhyun to step onto the scale. Baekhyun's mind is screaming at him to deny, to leave without a word, but both Chanyeol and the doctor are looking at him expectantly and he can't do anything but force saliva through his hurting esophagus and step onto the scale. He has closed eyes but Chanyeol's gasp is enough for Baekhyun. He weighs too much, the other is shocked at the huge number on the scale. It feels like he's actually dying in the silent minutes that follow. Chanyeol is going to hate him, he is going to ask someone to get rid of Baekhyun. The doctor will scoff at him, will tell him to start dieting. He'll be scolded for his weight, someone will find out, they'll ruin his career. He has nothing left. 

"Baekhyun, you can step off the scale." It's only then that Baekhyun opens his eyes and notices the red 50.3 kg that are showing his worth and he gasps. Chanyeol looks like he's seen a ghost and Baekhyun hides even more in his large sweater. The judgmental tension is so palpable that Baekhyun is sure he's going to die. He'll go out and kill himself, make sure that no one actually sees him again, see how gross he is. "Are you still 174 cm?" the doctor asks again while he writes something on the computer. Baekhyun nods and slumps down into the chair in order to hide himself even more. He wants to disappear. "Your BMI is 16.6. You're underweight and you need to gain some weight. At least 5 kg." The only thing Baekhyun hears is 'gain weight' and he freezes. No. Never. No weight gain. He can't ever gain weight. Chanyeol is so pretty beside him, so skinny. Chanyeol should gain weight. Not him. He's still too fat, still too wrong, still not good enough.  

"Can I have my prescription?" he says instead and reaches out towards the paper with his prescription he's going to show at the pharmacy. He can't stay here. Baekhyun leaves Chanyeol back at the doctor's office. He can't believe that Chanyeol actually knows just how gross he is now. It's so wrong. 

 

☆★☆

 

"EXO's Xiumin's weight loss." reads the title of the article. 

_[+248 / -17] It looks really good on him to have lost the chubby in his cheeks! He's so handsome!_

_[+153 / -5] I hope he's been losing weight the healthy way. It looks really good on him. Xiumin oppa fighting!_

_[+70 / -20] I don't want Xiumin oppa to lose more weight now. Please eat healthily oppa. I miss baozi!!_

Minseok is staring at the comments. He's almost obsessively stalking through every word written on the article. He's feeding on the hatred and he can't help the way he greedily thinks he can do better. No more baozi, no more chubby cheeks, no more. He can show them all that he one day will become pretty like his band members. One day he'll be the one they call EXO's visual. But it's not now. He's still not there but it fuels him. And it's better than giving up. 

Minseok isn't sure how happy he is with people seeing his body when he still knows how disgusting it is, but at the same time, the article shows him that everybody has been worried without reason. He still hasn't forgiven Jongdae, Yixing or Luhan, but this article will prove to them that there's nothing to worry about. So he leaves it open on the laptop on purpose when he goes to his room to wear a bigger sweater. It's still cold everywhere he is and it's more common for him to freeze than to actually feel comfortable but he can't afford to let them know that. Joonmyun finds him a couple of minutes later. He looks like someone who's seen hell and he sighs when he places himself on Minseok's bed.  

"Can we talk?" he asks and Minseok nods. As long as they're not going to talk about him, then they can talk. "It's Baekhyun. Chanyeol took him to the doctor because apparently Kyungsoo caught him vomiting this morning, but it turns out he only weighs 50 kg and I don't know what to do. Chanyeol is freaking out, talking about force-feeding and hospitalizing and Baekhyun avoids everybody. He won't talk with me. If I tell the manager someone in the company is going to be aware and I want to help but I don't want to put him in a bad position with management. And he's not dying and I don't know what to do?" Joonmyun buries his face in his hands and Minseok sits down beside him and places a hand comfortingly on his back. 

"It'll work out, 'Myun. Give him some time and try talking to him tomorrow. I'm sure you can find a doctor who is willing to help if that is the problem. Try talking to the company dietician. He'll get better. Don't worry too much. We can't have our leader breaking down from stress." Joonmyun sighs and when he looks up there's tears in his eyes. 

"I'm worried about you too, you know," he says as if they haven't been talking about Baekhyun 30 seconds earlier. Minseok can't help the feeling of Joonmyun tricking him into this conversation. Instead of scowling like he wants to, he sends the leader a wide smile and shakes his head a little. 

"Don't worry about me." There is nothing to worry about. He's eating, Joonmyun can go ask for videoproof if he really doubts it so much - and the fans like his weightloss. Joonmyun doesn't have to know how Minseok thinks about it himself. The leader sighs as he gets up. 

"Please don't lose more weight, hyung." With those words, he leaves the older on the bed and the flicker in Minseok's eyes is worrying but Joonmyun doesn't see it. Minseok didn't know Baekhyun had been losing weight but he supposes it's because the other has always been perfect in his eyes. Maybe it's wrong of him to not notice yet he can't help the surge of jealousy at the mention of the other's weight. 50 kg. Minseok would die to weigh 50 kg but he'll never get close. He'll never be beautiful enough to weigh 50 kg. But he'll do his best to get close. Anything is better than the reflection in the mirror. Anything is better than the numbers on the scale that is never low enough.

 

☆★☆

 

The blade is sharp as he drags it over his thigh, cuts into skin that's no longer as untainted as it was before. Blood drips down his legs, onto the white tiles in the shower but Baekhyun doesn't mind it. More, more, more. He needs the pain and feels almost numb to it because his mind is constantly circuiting the doctor's words. Weight gain, you need to gain weight. And he doesn't. He doesn't! Baekhyun knows he doesn't. 

He throws the blade towards the wall and it falls off with a small pling before it lands safely on the floor. Baekhyun can't gain weight. Didn't they see the 50! The 50! 5 and 0 shouldn't be together, it's so much, it's too much, it's way too much. The tears fight their way out of his eyes as he stares a his bloody thighs, his shaking fingers and the wounds that are deeper than anything he has ever carved into himself. Someone knocks on the door but he doesn't listen. His mind is so focused on the numbers, on the fear, on everything that is just so wrong. 

He wants to vomit. He needs to vomit. He hasn't eaten but he needs to vomit. He's disgusting. Absolutely horrifying but he needs to vomit. He can't keep destroying himself, but the only way to get rid of the guilt, of the depression, is vomiting. He crawls from his place in the shower and grabs onto the only known stability his life holds. Vomiting. Baekhyun knows what vomiting is. He isn't thinking when he lifts his fingers and shoves them down his throat. He isn't thinking as he forces the liquid up through his already hurt esophagus and the pain is only welcome. 

He doesn't hear it when the door opens, he doesn't hear the gasp or the 'Baekhyun'. The only thing he feels is when someone suddenly places a large hand on his shoulder and a hand on his wrist, forcing his fingers out of his mouth. He's dry-heaving as he is pulled into a hug and then he can't hold it all in anymore. The tears are flowing down his cheeks as he buries his face into a strong chest. Baekhyun cries. His secret is out, they saw, they know, they know. He wants to die. He'll die tomorrow. He'll do something, anything. But right now he can't do anything but cry because he's too disgusting. He's not good enough. He never was. Now he'll never be.


	12. xii

Baekhyun doesn't know how long it's been. He's not even sure of whose chest he's buried in but now that he's beginning to finally get a little more conscious, he's also painfully aware of the fact that he's actually with someone. That someone saw, that someone heard. That he can never vomit again, that he probably can't ever shower with the door unlocked or maybe even closed. He'll be watched like a hawk and he can't stand the feeling. That's gross. He doesn't want to be looked at with pity and he doesn't need surveillance. He's an adult, a grown up. He can deal with all this himself. It's all his fault to begin with so the rest of them shouldn't be a part of this. Baekhyun pulls away from the chest he's been crying into and stares at Chanyeol's messy dark hair, his eyes that do nothing to hide the worry and his tear-stained shirt. Chanyeol doesn't say anything but Baekhyun isn't going to be the one who starts their conversation. In fact, Baekhyun doesn't think they have anything to talk about if he has to be completely honest. 

A weird sort of anger finds its way through Baekhyun's body and settles in his mind. It's not really logical at all, but he can't help it. It's all Chanyeol's fault. Chanyeol who told the doctor the lies about his body, Chanyeol who told everybody else, Chanyeol who in the first place even suggested he'd take him to the hospital for his esophagitis. It may be Baekhyun's mess, but it's no doubt Chanyeol's fault that he's been crying right now. Baekhyun could have fixed it. When he'd gotten pretty; when he'd gotten beautiful and skinny and perfect he would have fixed this mess. He doesn't need Chanyeol or Joonmyun or anyone else in EXO to worry about him. So he sends Chanyeol the deadliest glare he can think of and pushes away from him. Chanyeol is much stronger though and doesn't let go of Baekhyun. It only has the smaller man even angrier. 

"Let me go!” he snarls and Chanyeol shakes his head. Baekhyun continues trying to get away and when he gives up on the physical fight, he sends Chanyeol another glare. “I hate you, let me go.” he says instead in a calm voice and the hurt that flashes through Chanyeol's eyes and the way that his grip loosens a little is enough for Baekhyun to pull away and get up on shaky legs. Baekhyun means every word he's said. He hates Chanyeol with everything he has right now. He hates Chanyeol for creating more troubles than solutions, he hates Chanyeol for worrying, he hates Chanyeol for being oh-so-perfect. Baekhyun leaves the bathroom without another word and without sparing the taller male on the floor a second glance. 

When he meets eyes with Jongdae, he sends the other such a murderous glare that he could rival Kyungsoo's. Locked inside his bedroom once again, he drags his fingers over the red lines on his thigh, presses fingers into the new cuts only to make it hurt a little more, only to get a little better. Because although Chanyeol holds the fault for making all of his mental mess visible, Baekhyun can't help himself when he comes back to hate himself over and over again. It is his own mental mess after all. 

 

☆★☆ 

 

One deep breath is all it takes before Minseok steps onto the scale. The numbers count his worth while the mirror in front of him reflects lies and when the scale stop at 52.0 kg exactly Minseok stares in disgust. Not good enough. Embarrassment of his weight crawls along his skin and voices in his mind directs his attention back to the 52 that he shouldn't weigh. He's not good enough to be here, that much is obvious. He must have slacked earlier, he must have done something wrong. He wasn't good enough at playing the game. 

Minseok feels the tears that roll down his cheeks when he steps off the scale and determinedly wipes them away with a finger. He can do better, he will do better. He had been so good, counting calories, dancing, singing. Losing weight. But he needs more, 52 will never be enough. Minseok bets Baekhyun weighs 45 by now. Just like how Sehun is probably only 42. Sehun is so skinny, maybe he's below 40. The feeling of his heart crumbling overwhelms him for a moment when he puts the scale away and gets dressed again. The long-sleeved shirt and the warm sweater over. The tea on his nightstand is getting colder but Minseok doesn't feel like drinking it. He knows he should, he still hasn't gotten anything in his stomach today but it's only 5 pm and he'll eat dinner with the others (or at least let them see him in the kitchen) around 6 pm and then he'll stop eating after 7 pm because he can't eat after 7 pm, it's against the rules. 

To be honest, Minseok would have wished they had a schedule now but after Baekhyun had gotten his esophagitis a few days earlier the company had decided that maybe it was on time to give them just a little time off – a little time off that Minseok doesn't appreciate. On schedule, it's easy to avoid eating, it's easy to pretend to sneak a few bites and then leave again, it's easy to forget the lunch box or to schedule things around meal times. It's easy to put up the facade of Xiumin. Time off only means time for self-hatred and self-loathing and Minseok could be without. 

It's not to say that he doesn't hate himself on schedules, of course he does. He hates watching the others and knowing how much he lacks before he can get even close to their level of professionalism, but it's easier to ignore on stage or behind a camera. He reaches towards his cigarettes hidden in the jacket that is slung over the chair and when he finds the packet he realizes with annoyance that it's empty. Minseok sighs as he gets up and crumbles the empty cigarette pack back into his pocket as he slings his jacket over his shoulders. He'll buy a new pack then. Maybe it's the best way to spend the hour until dinner. 

Minseok doesn't get very far before he's stopped by a sight that has him slightly confused. Chanyeol is hunched over in the couch, face hidden in his hands as his elbows rest on his knees. Minseok blinks twice until he realizes the taller man is crying. Then he realizes the hand patting Chanyeol's shoulder. His first thought is that it is Baekhyun but then he recognizes Kyungsoo on his other side. Minseok silently slinks behind the door and peeks out at the sight in the living room. 

"He'll be alright,” Kyungsoo says and Chanyeol says something Minseok can't make out. Then he remembers his conversation with Joonmyun about Baekhyun and Chanyeol mumbles the other is making the rest of them worried. Minseok hadn't thought much about Baekhyun and now the pang of guilt for not caring about his band member hits him hard. It's not that Minseok doesn't want to worry about Baekhyun, he's just not worthy of worrying. He's not worthy of being here in the first place and knowing all of them. Chanyeol says something again that Minseok can't fully make out but the severity of the situation in front of him makes it pretty clear that Baekhyun has the younger man extremely worried. So Minseok mentally promises himself that he'll never worry his band members. He'll never get as bad as Baekhyun. Because he just needs to be skinny, then everything will be good, everything will be perfect. 

 

☆★☆ 

 

Baekhyun sits in front of the company dietician two days later. She smiles at him before she turns to her computer and notes down a few things. Baekhyun ignores her. He doesn't belong in her office. As much as he earlier longed for a stricter diet, this is not the reason he's here and Baekhyun knows this. He's here because his band members worry about him as if there is something to really worry about – and maybe there is, but it's not his diet. Baekhyun eats a lot when he fights the refrigerator but no one is supposed to know because it will gross them out. When she finishes on her computer she turns her attention back to him and Baekhyun leans back in the chair he's sitting in. 

"Your band members are worried about your diet,” she says and Baekhyun scoffs in his head. ”They say they saw you self-induce vomiting.” She looks at her notes to see if she got it right and Baekhyun sends her a sad smile. 

"I didn't. I was nauseous, I had esophagitis and I had to vomit. I don't know what made them think it was self-induced.” The lie is so smooth, so easy to tell that it almost surprises him as well. At the same time, Baekhyun is dead set on this, he's not ill, he never was and he doesn't need them to worry. He's still a little angry at Chanyeol for telling the doctor instead of just going with the esophagitis but he can't really change the past. He can do damage control though, that's the reason he agreed to meet with the dietician in the first place. 

"Few members said they saw or heard you vomiting Baekhyun. Are you sure your diet is going all fine? I don't recall putting you on a diet and your file doesn't say so either.” Her words have him pausing for a second. Few members? Few members mean more than one and if it's not only Chanyeol, then who? Then he remembers Kyungsoo finding him on the morning he was diagnosed with esophagitis and he guesses the nausea-excuse actually does work this time. Kyungsoo didn't see him force his food up. 

"It's all fine, I promise. I guess I've just been a little stressed out from the comeback and that's why I lost a little weight.” She raises an eyebrow at this. 

"8 kg.” Baekhyun wants to wince. 8 or 16, what difference does it make when he's still not perfect, still not good enough. He doesn't say this to her because that would immediately alarm her that something is wrong. Baekhyun doesn't want that. He shrugs instead. 

"Okay, I lost a lot of weight, but I'm doing fine. I was stressed during comeback, I'll be better now that we have a little time off.” He doesn't mention anything about weight gain but he can see it in her eyes. She wants him to gain weight. It's terrifying. The thought of actually eating without vomiting it up again, the thought of actually gaining body fat and looking even worse than he does now. But if he wants to keep her off of his feet, he'll have to agree to it. She doesn't say anything as she focuses on her computer, types in a few thing and the printer comes to life two long minutes later. 

"Here,” she says as she hands him the paper from the printer. Baekhyun turns it around and looks at a diet plan and shivers a little. He doesn't r really like diet plans, never really did, they're such trouble but he knows that Chanyeol will keep his eyes on him and he probably can't hide the diet plan. Chanyeol or Joonmyun would call the dietician again if he doesn't bring it back home with him. He smiles when he gets eye contact with the dietician. 

"That's all then?” She nods and Baekhyun is out the door as soon as possible. He needs to find a way around the diet plan and the members. He can't stay like this, that's for sure. He needs to get the members off of his back. And maybe the stress-excuse is the right one. That will explain his breakdown a few days ago as well. Baekhyun is in an oddly good mood when he leaves the SM building that afternoon. 

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok hates himself when he wakes up the next morning and feels his intestines protest the lack of nutrients. And it's not just the usual low grumbling or the slight pain that is ever-present. It's not even hunger-pangs. No, it's something much much worse. He's bloated. And sure, technically speaking, being a little bloated isn't going to hurt him at all so he shouldn't be so worried about it, but bloating is worse than hunger-pangs and cramps. Bloating makes him feel utterly disgusting and the worst part about bloating is that he can't train it away. Nothing is going to make him feel better. He won't be able to really suck in his stomach because muscles can't fight the air in his intestines – and he'll feel fat constantly. He always does, he is fat all the time. But that's not really the point as Minseok tries to fight down the panic attack that is slightly rising in him. 

With eyes closed, he starts counting. He counts calories he can eat today. 500 will fight off the bloating but anything above 500 is off-limits. He can't eat more than 500 calories. Hell, he shouldn't be eating 500 at all, not today. He'll go to the gym, train them off if he must. Get down to 250. He can do that. Eat 500, train away 250. That'll leave him with a total of 250 calories for today and he will have fought off his bloating for tomorrow. That has to be good enough. Tomorrow he'll eat 100 calories. He can fast as well, he'll get through the 500. His mind is working in cruel ways as it completes his diet for the next week, intricate lies woven into every calorie and fear of gaining weight slowly, but surely overtaking his mind as he goes through everything.

When he gets up and leaves his bedroom, it's to find a diet plan on the refrigerator. It's put up with tape and in the upper left corner is the name 'Byun Baekhyun, EXO'. Minseok stares at it for about 30 seconds before he actually understands what he's reading and the amount of calories each day makes him gasp out loud. Joonmyun lifts an eyebrow at him from the kitchen table where he's eating his breakfast. 

"Good morning, hyung,” Joonmyun says from his seat and Minseok turns around on his heels and stares at the other man, afraid he has been able to look through him. That Joonmyun now suddenly knows what's going on without being told. Quickly he lifts the corners of his lips and sends him a smile.

"'Morning,” he says and opens the refrigerator. Nothing is safe to eat. It's all going to be way above the 50 calories for breakfast and Minseok can't afford that. So he closes it again and goes to the sink to grab a glass of water. ”Slept well?” he asks and tries to stir conversation away from himself. Just as he reaches into the cupboard for a glass he wants coffee instead. Black coffee is 11 calories, it'll also fool Joonmyun and he won't seem suspicious to the rest of them when they wake up. So he foregoes the glass and instead find a cup so he can pour himself a cup of coffee. 

Joonmyun has gone back to eating his breakfast. Minseok's stomach growls as it is fed liquid. He stares into the black liquid in the cup and sees nothing but disgust. He knows today will be a bad day, every day is a bad day these days and it won't lessen his hatred at all. He's still not good enough, definitely not when he's bloated. But at least it's not him eating a frighteningly 2000 calories a day. It's not him because nobody knows just how wrong he is. They don't have to know.

 


	13. xiii

It's not enough. No matter how much he stares at the numbers, it's just not enough. He weighs too much, always has. Thinner, thinner, thinner. It's like a chanting, a constant whisper and a pressure and he's getting tired of it. Just a little more, a little bit, just a little bit skinnier. He'll eat dinner tomorrow, he can skip it tonight. If he skips tonight, he'll be pretty. Except he's not. He never is. The mirror is relentless as he stares into his reflection and sees imperfection after imperfection. It's in his bones, on his skin. It's everywhere he sees and there's no fighting it, no denying it. Minseok is just not good enough. He steps off the scale and slides it under his bed with his foot. His fat foot that should not be fat because whose feet are fat, but they are. They are because he is. He bites his lower lip and shakes his head lightly before he exits his bedroom again. Just as he opens the door, he stands face to face with Jongdae. The other sends him a wide smile. 

"Hyung," he says and Minseok feels his heart clench at the affection in his voice. Minseok doesn't deserve the affection the other has for him. He doesn't know if it's all platonic but it doesn't really matter because he can't let his heart decide when all his heart is saying is 'you're too fat, not good enough, shouldn't receive so much love and affection and respect'. He has done nothing to deserve to be called hyung in such manner. But Jongdae is not aware when he repeats the word and Minseok just sends him a smile, hiding the words that he wants so badly to whisper to the other. 

"Yes?" Minseok closes his door behind him and Jongdae takes a step back to make space between them. He shines with a brightness that is rare these days and it makes Minseok's stomach turn in guilt. 

"Chanyeol, Baekhyun and I are going out. It's Baek's free day and we want to treat him to some fun. Come with us, please?" Jongdae is begging and Minseok's mind is going in complete lock-down because what is fun and does it include food? Jongdae sends him a whiny pout and Minseok sighs. He doesn't know what overtakes his mind when he declines and Jongdae's disappointed look hurts so much it's almost unbearable. 

But Minseok can't risk it. He can't risk 'fun' being 'food' and he can't risk them seeing how awful he looks if it's not. He can't risk another Luhan despite hoping that Jongdae would never be so cruel. But no matter how hard he tries to convince himself that they just want to be with him, he can't. He sends Jongdae an apologetic smile when he leaves the younger boy in the hallway as he skids to the kitchen. Making a cup of tea helps clear his mind of all thoughts of panic but it's first when he sees the three younger men leave that he sighs of relief. Minseok can't afford the affection, the respect, the fun because he doesn't deserve it. And until the numbers are kind enough to grant him what he deserves, he can't cheat and take it.

 

☆★☆

 

Eating 2000 calories a day isn't as frightening as Baekhyun first thought it would be. In fact, he realizes, it doesn't even amount to what he binges daily. He doesn't like eating in front of the other members, that's for sure, but that's not the worst part of his diet-plan either. No, the worst part is feeling full. Because if there is one thing in particular Baekhyun can't stand it's the feeling of being full. Being full means gaining fat and he's so used to vomiting afterwards that the watchful eyes are giving him small panic attacks after every meal. 

The first two days after he came home with the diet plan in hand, Chanyeol had been fussing over him so much that he hadn't even been allowed to pee on his own. They're not as watchful anymore but Baekhyun knows he can't go vomit in the bathroom. He tried, of course he did. Two fingers down his throat when he showered when the feeling of being full had been too much to handle but Sehun had been suspicious when he'd entered the bathroom after Baekhyun. 'Why is the window open, hyung?' he'd asked and Baekhyun had raised his eyebrows and said 'diarrhea' to which Sehun had wrinkled his nose and stalked out of the bathroom again. But Baekhyun can't use diarrhea as an excuse every time he wants to vomit. 

He sighs as he sits on his bed and finds the small blade under his pillow. He lightly drags it over his fingers, leaving nothing in its wake but the knowledge that he can remove the guilt, if only for a few seconds, is making it better. With a steady hand, he pulls up his sleeve and lets the blade sink into his skin. He closes his eyes as he lets the pain momentarily fill him but when it ends and all there is left is blood trickling down his forearm, he only wishes for the two fingers down his throat again. 

It's 2 AM and on normal circumstances he would have been in the kitchen, fighting the ever-losing war against the refrigerator but not now. Not now because he knows they know. He knows they know something is wrong and he can't blow his cover, he can't cry and tell them what's really going on. He also can't binge before his stomach is empty again. His mind is screaming at him to stop eating, to find a lie. But Baekhyun can't. Instead, he rises from his bed, determination suddenly scarily clear in his mind. He may not be able to vomit in the dorm, but he's done it before. He's been hiding it for so long, he can't stop now. Not now. 

Baekhyun leaves the dorm 5 minutes later. It's void of people, all sleeping or on a schedule and it makes everything so much easier. With grace he takes the stairs down, burning calories will always be a priority of his and he continues on outside. The sidewalk is empty yet the street is oddly alive and he walks with haste to his left. He doesn't really know his location, he just knows he has to go, has to leave. He'll probably cause a scandal, something that will gain him the attention of the world but it's okay, it's alright because he's going to vomit and then everything will be alright. He may have digested more than he's willing to admit but at least he won't be feeling full. If he can do it now, he can do it again and he'll finally be able to keep going. He won't have to suffer in the guilt that is eating him daily, he'll be pretty soon. He knows he will. 

He keeps walking until he finds a relatively empty street and a garbage can and then he prods two fingers down his throat and vomits. He doesn't know if he's recognized when he hears the gasp behind him, but it doesn't matter because the guilt is finally easing, if only for a short while. When he finishes and dries his fingers on his pants, he hears the word 'drunk people are so gross' behind him and a scoff and he lowers his head. If only they knew.

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok looks at his fingers with disgust. They have a bluish tint to them, very faint but Minseok is pretty sure it's there. And it's bad because how can he possibly excuse freezing when it's spring and the weather outside is more than fine? It's not that he doesn't freeze because he does, it's just that the members won't understand why and he doesn't know why either. It's certainly not because he's skinny like he read last night on his communities because he isn't. He lowers his hands and goes to find another sweater, a bigger one than the one he wears now and he sighs. Someone knocks on his door and lets him know that he has a schedule in about 15 minutes and Minseok is thankful that whoever called him doesn't open the doo to observe him. When he enters the living room, Yixing looks at him with his head tilted slightly.

"You look horrible, are you feeling well?" he asks and Minseok sends the other a smile.

"Summer cold," he lies and sits down beside Yixing who automatically scoots a few milimeters away. It's habitual and Minseok doesn't hold it against him. Nobody wants to have a cold, but Yixing, of all people, should be more aware of his health as he's by far the busiest one of them. They don't talk more until the manager arrives to pick up Minseok and the 'get better soon hyung' Yixing sends him only leaves Minseok with a feeling of impending doom. He really needs to find a way to look like he always did. He needs to lose weight and be perfect and pretty and not fat with dry skin and brittle hair. His make-up artist lectures him once again as he arrives on set and he sighs a little. He knows it's coming. It always is. 

"Minseok," she says as soon as he sits down and he sends her a wide smile. One of those that would have fans squealing and his band members gagging but it's ineffective on the professional woman in front of him. "You really has to take better care of your skin. Do you get your vitamins? I'll have the company send you some more supplements to your diet. Maybe you should see the dietician as well, you're getting thinner than you used to. Your cheekbones are very visible." 

She squints at him but says no more and Minseok doesn't try to deny because it's futile. She won't believe him anyway. He also knows that if he opens his mouth, he'll be more likely to spurt something absurd such as 'i'm not good enough' or 'i haven't lost weight' which in all fairness is true, but also a lie. Because Minseok did watch the numbers go down so logically speaking he must have lost some weight. It just isn't enough. It just isn't making him the Minseok he's supposed to be. 

When she's finished with his make-up she hurries him out of the chair and Minseok is left to his own all-consuming thoughts that only exhausts him further and further the longer he drowns. But he can't get out. Not now.

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun has an extraordinary amount of energy when the doorbell rings and he hears Joonmyun talk to the mail man. He sprints out into the hallway, snatches the package from the mail man's hands just as he's about to hand it over to Joonmyun and sends the two a dazzling smile. 

"I believe it's mine." He signs for the package and leaves both the mail man and Joonmyun watching him with an odd expression as he saunters back into his room. Baekhyun should have gotten the idea long before, but he can't change the past. He can, however, change the future, and as he slowly but carefully unwraps what has finally come to change his life for the better, he smiles a soft smile. 

Baekhyun hadn't caused a scandal but vomiting on the streets is dangerous and he can't resort to that all the time. Baekhyun honestly doesn't even doubt that he'll fall back into the only thing he can do, the only thing he succeeds in as soon as he's no longer in the dorm, because as much as he hates himself for ever falling into it, it's also the only way out of self-hatred and disgust. He carefully sets the carbon box on his bed before he gets up to lock the door. Nobody is supposed to interrupt him. They'll shout at him if they knew what he was doing but they don't and he'll show them. 

He'll show them that he, too, can be worthy of EXO. That they don't have to worry about him gaining weight again, that they don't have to worry about him being the fat one, the ungraceful one, the hideous one that shouldn't be there. He can be just as graceful as Jongin, just as light as Sehun or Jongdae. He can be everything they are too, just a little weight lost. He swears he'll do it properly this time. This time they won't know until he's fully satisfied himself. 

Baekhyun sits down on his bed again and slowly lifts out the glass of Synephrine. He stares at the pills inside their container and Baekhyun knows, he knows that this was the best decision of his life. He should've done it long before. Maybe he can convince Joonmyun and Chanyeol that it's Vitamin D or something equally healthy. He opens the glass and takes a pill from its container to stare at the beautiful weight loss he holds in his hands. He can do this. If everybody else can, so can he. 

Baekhyun hides the closed glass of diet pills in his underwear drawer and leaves the room. Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow when he enters the kitchen and places the pill on the counter as he goes to find a glass. 

"What's that?" the younger asks and Baekhyun turns around, only noticing Kyungsoo now. He sends the other a smile as he fills the glass with water. 

"A vitamin. The dietician called me yesterday and said she'd send some over." Baekhyun nods towards his diet taped on the refrigerator before he swallows the pill and drowns it with water. He can do this. Even with their watchful eyes and their diet plans. He'll get pretty again, he won't be fat-Baekhyun. He'll show them all just how much he can do. And he doesn't feel an ounce of guilt when he settles in the chair in front of Kyungsoo and places his head on the table. He will find a way to empty his stomach when he eats, he will find a way.

 


	14. xiv

Baekhyun loves his diet pills. They can't replace vomiting and he knows he still has to find a way to actually get rid of the content in his stomach but they're a reassurance, a small voice in the back of his head, reminding him that they'll help him until he finds a way. That he won't get fat because they're there to help him. He doesn't know how he managed to convince the entire band that they're vitamins the dietician sent him but he did and for that he is eternally grateful. Baekhyun doesn't want them to pry into his things and when he smiles and eats, they don't. It's awfully easy to trick them, he thinks, as he grabs his jacket from the closet and calls out that he takes a walk to the park. 

Dinner today was disgusting and worse than they usually are. But it's okay because maybe he'll find somewhere he can vomit. He closes the front door behind him before any of the others get to him in the hallway and he's down the stairs before they can follow him. Baekhyun doesn't need them to look after him. He knows they still do, he still hears them in the evening when they think he's asleep. 

Chanyeol talked about visiting the company dietician to make sure he wasn't lying but Joonmyun had thankfully shot that idea down. He trusts him. Baekhyun doesn't deserve his trust yet he can't help but feel thankful he has it anyway. He isn't making good use of it considering he's nothing but a liar, but at least it makes him feel better that he can be a liar without hurting them too much. Because it doesn't hurt them if they don't know and Baekhyun doesn't intend on saying anything. He continues outside and follows the streetlight. There's a lot of people on the street today and vomiting will be impossible, he knows. So instead he settles for a walk, he'll walk for hours, he'll walk until the calories are gone. He will disappear for hours, wallow in his own self-hatred and his thoughts and he'll be fine when he returns because he will know just how wrong he is. 

Baekhyun continues down the street until he hits the bridge that crosses the Han-river. He's far away from home if he's at the Han-river but he continues. He stops in the middle of the bridge and stares into the black water under him. Usually, there's rainbow-colored light reflected in the waves but not tonight. Tonight everything is black just like his thoughts and Baekhyun can't help but feel that the universe is doing this to mock him. The light that was supposed to be at the end of the dark tunnel, the good things that supposedly happens in life - they're gone. 

Baekhyun sighs and bites his lips. The thoughts are creeping back to him, worthless, full, fat, ugly, hopeless. He might as well be better off dead. He shakes his head when he turns around and starts walking towards home again. He didn't even get to do what he set out to do and when the first tear finds its way down his cheek Baekhyun only hates himself more. He's not good enough, he's not worthy of the life he has and he's definitely ruining everybody else's lives. He doesn't deserve to live.  

When he returns home it's dark in the dorm. The others must be sleeping so he slips off his shoes and jackets as quietly as he can. He tries to tip-toe towards his bedroom but his steps are so loud in the silent dorm. It's because he's fat, he reminds himself. With a hand on the door handle, he suddenly hears something that sounds like mumbling. He stops in his tracks and turns around to find a line of light coming from Chanyeol and Jongin's bedroom. Slowly he lets go of the door handle and creeps closer to the door. Baekhyun is convinced Chanyeol must have heard him but the other doesn't react even when Baekhyun is standing right outside the door. He peeks inside and then he recognizes the words whispered into the air and sees Chanyeol's folded hands on the bed. He doesn't see Chanyeol but he's sure the other must be kneeling in front of his bed. 

"Please save Baekhyun, God above," he whispers and Baekhyun takes a step away. Chanyeol might be religious but he never prays. Never. He told Baekhyun so. But Baekhyun is sure he just heard him pray. He feels torn between listening and running away, in the end choosing the last option and as he lifts his blanket above his head in his own bed, he can't help the disgusted feeling that comes with knowing that Chanyeol prays for him. What a horrible person Baekhyun is.

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok can't sleep. He's counting. Over and over again. Breakfast was 143 calories, lunch was 12 calories, then he went to the gym and burned 763 calories and dinner was avoided altogether which gives him a total of -608 calories but it doesn't sound right. He's sure he's missed something, there must be something he didn't count. It can't be true that he only has a negative calorie intake of 600. That's so wrong. It should be -1000 at least. He must have eaten too much, exercised too little. 

Minseok gets out of bed and plops down on the floor. The floor is cold and immediately sends a shiver up his spine and goosebumps raise on his arms but Minseok pays it no mind when he gets in position for push-ups. He needs them. He can always do a little more, burn a little more calories. It'll strengthen his metabolism if he has more muscles. Muscles burn fat even when he's sleeping. Minseok doesn't have nearly enough muscles buried underneath all his fat. He bites his lower lip while he counts again. 15, 16, 17. So much counting. 

Minseok is surprised he hasn't gone insane yet with all the numbers that constantly fill his head. When everything he sees are calories and numbers. He didn't tell anyone but who would understand him when they can't see the same as him. 32, 33, 34. He wants to tell someone. Minseok can't really deny it anymore. He doesn't want help, he just doesn't want to be alone. But they'll never understand just how ugly he is and how much he needs to lose. They'll be disgusted if they know. He knows they will. 67, 68, 69. His arms buckle under him as he continues to fight his thoughts and keep them at bay. 100, he needs at least 100 push-ups before he goes on to the crunches.

Minseok's arms give up before he hits 100. Right at 94, he lands on the floor and can't get up and the only thing it serves is a breakdown so severe that he can't keep the tears away. He wants to curl up and hug himself and cry but he can't even do that. He buries his head in one arm and sobs loudly into the limb. He was so close to 100. So close, but he's not born to be enough. He can't hit 1000 negative calories, he can't do 100 push-ups, he can't be a member of EXO and he isn't good enough for the world. 

He cries as if his life depends on it and maybe it does, Minseok doesn't know. When he finally finds a little more energy he curls into a ball on the floor. His hipbones are digging painfully into the floor and he probably has a bruise tomorrow but bruises are easily hidden. His eyes are closed and the only thing he can do is pray that he'll be left alone for the night. Tomorrow morning he will be Minseok again, he will smile, he will perform. He's EXO's Xiumin, even if he doesn't deserve it. All alone in the world that is far scarier than he could have ever imagined it to be.

 

☆★☆

 

He sends a wide smile to the girl in front of him and wishes her a better day. She giggles and bows and Baekhyun nods his head as well. Then someone else takes her place and Baekhyun focuses on signing the CD he's handed. His hand doesn't do what he wants it to. It has never taken so much of his focus and energy to write his autograph but he thinks it may be because he actually managed to vomit today. 

Schedules were never the best excuse for vomiting before but now they are. Now they are his best friend. He needs to use the bathroom was never a weird excuse and while it may be dangerous to vomit with so much staff around, it's so much better than vomiting in the dorm where Chanyeol is hyperalert to everything he does. Baekhyun hasn't forgotten the other man's praying but he hasn't said anything to Chanyeol either. He doesn't want to sound like he snuck up on him. 

Chanyeol doesn't say anything but he sends him wide smiles and someone squeezes his shoulder once in a while as if he needs the comfort. Baekhyun doesn't. It doesn't get to him either. It's not like he can feel the comfort, the only comfort he has are diet pills and vomiting and whenever he thinks it, he sounds so pathetic that he may be ready to break down just like that. He hates the feeling of being so worthless that they think they have to take care of him. 

"Oppa?" the girl in front of him asks and Baekhyun realizes he zoned out. He sends her a dazzling smile, hides his depressive thoughts and apologizes for zoning out. She nods a little. "Can I put it in your hair?" she asks, referring to the flowercrown in her hand. Baekhyun nods and tells her 'of course'. With gentle hands, she places the flowercrown in his hair. She smiles wide when she removes her hands and Baekhyun feels like breaking down. She's so careful that it's almost as if he's something precious, something that might break if she applies too much pressure, something she treasures dearly. 

Baekhyun doesn't deserve the care, he doesn't want to be treasured when he's so horrible a human, but he smiles and thanks her for the flowercrown instead of crying like he wants to. She's replaced by another fan and as time goes by, Baekhyun zones out again. His focus is on his autograph and his false smile and he knows that the pictures they'll be sharing will portray the empty shell, his gross appearance and all he hopes for is that there aren't all that many of him. They should focus on the other members. He looks towards the album he's signing again and the hand that isn't holding the pen curls up into a fist, nails pressed harsh into flesh. If only to make him forget the thoughts and only focus on the pain. The pain is all he needs. The pain is all he deserves. 

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok is on his way to the bathroom furthest away when he notices two fans talking. He doesn't intend to eavesdrop but when he's close enough to actually hear what they're talking about he stops in his tracks. He's hidden by the wall but their voices are loud and clear. 

"Baekhyun-oppa lost weight. I'm worried about him," one fan says and the other agrees. She goes into details about how prominent his cheekbones are and how his wrists are way too skinny. Minseok feels his heart drop to the floor as he listens in on the conversation. Baekhyun is skinny. Baekhyun was always skinny. Baekhyun succeeded in losing weight before him. Baekhyun is heaps better than Minseok will ever be and Minseok sinks to the floor, back against the wall as he curls into himself. He can't act ridiculous here, he can't cry or scream or let out his frustration. Because he's in public and people will question if anything is wrong. Nothing is wrong, though. The awareness that Baekhyun is so much better than him is hard to fight and he needs to take a few deep breaths. And sure enough, he doesn't avoid trouble as a staff member passes him, stops in their tracks and turns back to squat in front of him.

"Are you okay?" they ask and Minseok nods. His body suddenly feels so weak. It's not that he has a lot of energy usually but lifting his head from where it is buried in his knees takes a huge amount of energy. He's not sure he'll ever be able to get on his feet again without help. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, a little tired." He places his hands on the floor and pushes off but the staff member has to grab his upper arm to make sure he actually gets onto his feet. They lift their eyebrow and looks at him as if they don't believe his previous words but Minseok sends them his gummy smile and thanks the staff member. He's fine. He's horribly alone and disgusting, but he's fine. He takes a deep breath before he continues on his way towards the bathroom. He knows the manager will scold him for going so far away for something as little as the bathroom but every step burns calories and every calorie burned is worth it in the end. That's all Minseok has to know. One foot in front of the other as he tries to count the steps. 20 steps equal 1 calorie. He can do this.


	15. xv

Minseok hasn't eaten anything in three days. He's staring at the kitchen counter from his chair but he makes no move to get up and eat. He's alone in the dorm. Minseok isn't even fully aware of where the others are. He's listening to his heartbeat. It seems slower than usual. Not that he makes any note to do something about it, it may just be because he's sitting down and is fully exhausted. Any heart would slow down eventually. He takes a deep breath but before he gets up from his chair, someone's hands are holding him down.

"Don't do this to yourself," the person behind him says and Minseok freezes instantly when he recognizes Jongdae's voice. He sounds out of breath, as if he's been running. He shouldn't even be here. When Minseok turns to look at him, he takes a step to the left to hide himself from Minseok's vision. "Don't look at me," he continues. Minseok is getting a little concerned what with how out of breath he sounds as he takes in another huge gulp of air. 

"Are you okay?" Minseok asks. "And what about the others? Are they coming?" he adds and when Jongdae's face still isn't in his line of sight, he turns his face down and watches the table instead. Jongdae sounds like he's getting his breath back slowly and Minseok feels his own heart clench a little. Jongdae's heart must be racing. Minseok's own is still so slow. 

"I'm fine," Jongdae says. "Minseok, please, don't do this to yourself. Eat something. I'm scared of losing you." His voice slowly dies out and instead of holding Minseok down he wraps his arms around him and presses against his back. "I don't want to lose you because you can't see just how perfect you are." It's a whisper that sets Minseok in a complete freeze.

"What?" he whispers back. Jongdae is lying. Jongdae would never lie like this. This is a cruel prank. He needs Jongdae to admit it's a cruel prank. This is not true. He's not perfect, it's so obvious to anyone, isn't it? That he, Kim Minseok, still needs to work on this and that. That he needs to be more because he can't be possibly be even good enough, let alone perfect. But Jongdae repeats his words.

"You're perfect, Kim Minseok. Don't lose any more weight. You're going to die. I'll help you." But Minseok isn't going to die. Jongdae is lying. He hasn't lost enough weight, there's still so much fat, why doesn't Jongdae see it? Why is it not visible to anyone but Minseok? He's going insane. He's sure of it. But he can't drag Jongdae into the mess with him. That's not fair. Jongdae doesn't mean any harm. He never did. It's just Minseok being overly dramatic. He just needs to tell Jongdae that he isn't going to die. That he will be more than fine. 

"Why do you care?" he asks instead and wants to bang his head into the table. Jongdae doesn't let him as his arms only close tighter around Minseok, warming his cold body from behind.

"Because I love you."

  
☆★☆

  
Baekhyun knows how awfully disgusting he is when he dries off his fingers on the towel and sways a little. He has to put a hand on the wall to make sure he doesn't fall as he stares into his reflection in the dirty mirror. Outside, the bass is pumping and people will know, they will know, but Baekhyun doesn't care. The idea that he has resorted to night clubs to vomit is repulsive enough as it is. He takes a deep breath and unlocks the bathroom door before he stalks out again. He isn't drunk, not even in the slightest. But his swaying body and the stench of vomit that follows him out of the bathroom is not unknown for the nightclub and nobody will question him. He knows his body can barely keep him on his feet as he staggers through the people dancing. 

Baekhyun needs fresh air. He needs to get out, he needs to get home. He needs to lay down before he faints on the street and causes a scene. He just needs something that isn't this. The satisfaction of emptying his stomach is non-existent and he hates it. Baekhyun should feel happy he found a way to vomit again. He should be happy and free with the knowledge that he can become pretty but he isn't because it's not satisfactory anymore. It's just gross. Everything he does adds a new layer of disgusting to his person and Baekhyun can't fight it nor can he run from it. The only thing he can do is let it consume him and bury him ten feet underground as he struggles to finally spill his secrets to someone. Yet he knows that he can't say anything because it'll only cause them guilt, it'll only disgust them and disgusting them will only make him feel ten times worse. There's no getting away from the thoughts that cloud his mind on a daily basis now. 

When he enters the dorm, he goes directly for the bathroom. Kyungsoo follows him but Baekhyun doesn't care when he locks the door and he ignores Kyungsoo's knocks. He isn't going to do anything stupid. He isn't going to vomit again, he already did. If he keeps vomiting he'll probably vomit up his intestines, there was so much blood in the night club. But Baekhyun doesn't care about the blood because it's been there for so long, he's just not careful enough and it's just blood. He rummages through the cabinet until he finds the razors. Cut after cut, blood trickling down and hitting the white tile floor and Baekhyun is enveloped in the pain and finally he relaxes. He'll never be good enough. He's better off dead.

 

☆★☆

 

"You what?" Minseok asks in a voice that is higher than it is supposed to be. He turns around to stare at the other. Jongdae lets him go and fiddles with his fingers. It's almost as if he's shy. Minseok's mind is exploding. He can't think of anything but the words and they seem so untrue but Jongdae's reaction is surely not what he had expected if it had been a lie. But nobody likes Minseok let alone loves him. He can't afford love when he looks like this. Jongdae should know that. He bites his cheek so he doesn't spit out anything he's going to regret but this whole thing is making him feel dizzy and he doesn't understand it. He doesn't understand how someone as perfect and talented as Jongdae could even think the words, let alone utter them. Why would he tell Minseok? Minseok doesn't need to know. It's not the truth anyway. 

"I love you," Jongdae states but this time he sounds shy. The words don't falter, not like they would had he been unsure of them but Minseok can't believe it. Jongdae must be playing with him.

"You can't," he says, the words so firm that they have Jongdae looking directly into his eyes. Time stands still as they stare into each other's eyes. Minseok doesn't like it. He doesn't like the look on the other, the way his eyes is soft yet sharp. They speak of emotions Minseok is far too afraid to admit to anyone and it's not true. God dammit, none of this is true. He must be dreaming. So he pinches himself and winces at the pain that shoots up his arm and then jerks away when Jongdae's soft hand removes his fingers and caresses the dry skin of his forearm. 

"I do." He sounds so sure. Minseok swallows and gets up from his chair.

"I'm sorry," he says and has to fight the urge to run as he walks around Jongdae and away. No he doesn't, his mind helpfully supplies. Nobody loves you. You're all alone and this is nothing but a lie. Minseok's heart is finally beating a little faster, but it's probably out of fear and Minseok can't handle it. He doesn't want it. He doesn't deserve it. Why did Jongdae say it? What did he do? How is he going to look at anyone again. 

Jongdae cries that evening. It sounds heartbroken. His sobs make the tears flow down Minseok's cheeks as well, but the older man does not take a step towards the younger on the couch as he cries into his knees. The sight is heartbreaking but Minseok can't do anything, he isn't allowed. He wishes someone will hold Jongdae when he lies in his bed and tries to will the tears away. The other doesn't deserve the same loneliness as he.

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun doesn't cry when he finds his cell phone. It's 5.43 and he can't sleep. He has an overwhelming desire to just die and that is why he brings his phone with him to the dark bathroom and stares into the shower. In his defense, Baekhyun hadn't thought that searching google would give him the recipe to suicide yet here he is. 'How to slit your wrists' he reads and never once is he frightened by what it says. Pain is fine, pain is what he wants. 

He should probably give it more thought but he doesn't have the time to give it thought because in 15 minutes the alarm clock will sound in the bedrooms and tired band members will be making their way to the bathroom. Baekhyun should care about the sight that'll greet his members but he doesn't. The only thing he cares about is disappearing, dying, getting away. He doesn't want to live on like this anymore. Nothing he ever does will ever be good enough, he'll never be skinny and he will never be perfect. They will keep him in this dreadful state of mind, laughing at his misery and his ever-losing fight. The refrigerator will look at him as if its winning and maybe it is winning, maybe he's just losing everything. But if that is the case, then Baekhyun doesn't want to be here anymore. He simply just wants to die.

The screen illuminates the room as he reads. Vertically deep cuts, slit right wrist first. He doesn't have the opportunity to drink a lot of water nor does he have a bath to soothe his pain but in all honesty, it doesn't matter. The more pain the better. He wishes he can bleed out in a matter of minutes and not the dreaded 30 because if it takes 30 minutes for him to die, chances are they'll find him before he actually does die. And Baekhyun obviously doesn't want that. Instead of wasting more time reading, it's now 5.47 he notices, he goes through the new razors and finds a sharp blade. It slices easily through the soft skin of his left hand and he smiles a little. 

The ones he'll be leaving behind will be better off without him. Chanyeol will stop crying and praying, he'll finally smile again. Baekhyun feels his heart skip a beat at the thought of his best friend finally smiling again. Or maybe it's because of fear, excitement and everything in between. As he settles on the floor in the shower and places the blade over his right wrist he swallows a lump. The pain that shoots up his arm is excruciating. It feels like he's cutting off his arm and he bites his lips so hard he tastes blood. He can't scream, that'll make them know. No, he can't do that. The blood pours from his arm as he transfers the blade from left hand to right hand. Moving is so painful it's the only thing on his mind.

His hands are clammy and he's dizzy, so dizzy. The blade slips from his hand and he gasps as the pain shoots through him once again. And then fear settles in him. He's going to die. He's going to die, he never meant to actually do it, what if he actually dies and no one saves him? He can't open his eyes, the pain forcing them closed but he's panicking and he doesn't know what to do. So stupid, he's so stupid. He's so hopeless, he can't even die, he's not supposed to die, what did he do? Breathing gets harder and the call of his name from outside die out as he drifts into unconsciousness. He's so stupid.


	16. xvi

The first thing he notices are the sounds. There's a constant beeping, slow and steady in a calming rhythm. The next thing he notices is the pain. It burns from beneath his right wrist and Baekhyun wants to tear it away. When he finally opens his eyes, he meets the dark brown eyes of a stranger. The other sends him a kind smile and presses a button on a machine. It's white around him, the walls are white, the ceiling is white, hell, even the floor is white. Maybe more grey, but definitely not the parquet floor of the dorm. The stranger writes something on a piece of paper and Baekhyun notices the IV drip in his left hand. His throat is coarse but he can't force his mouth open to ask the stranger for water.

"I'll fetch Dr. Jo," they say and then leave Baekhyun alone in the room. Baekhyun blinks a little. Then everything comes back to him and he widens his eyes. He feels guilt flood him. Someone found him. Someone saved him. He didn't deserve that. He should have been thinking before he even made the move to kill himself. This is wrong. He feels grateful but also so horribly wrong for needing someone to save him. He has no idea who brought him here, he doesn't know anything other than he is still alive. He swallows a lump and sinks back into his pillow. The beeping of the machines around him notifying of his still beating heart is no longer all that calming. He bites his lower lip as the door opens again and an elderly man enters with a paper. 

"I see you're awake," he says and gets close to the bed. He reaches a hand out and it takes Baekhyun 30 seconds to realize he wants to look at his wrist. It hurts to lift the bandaged limb into the doctor's hands but the doctor is careful as he inspects the bandage. Baekhyun has no idea of the damage he has done but he hopes it isn't much. He could have done more than this, he could have revealed his diet pills or - God forbid, the doctor noticed that he had been vomiting. If the doctor has asked the members, he's in big trouble. 

Baekhyun groans of pain when the doctor lets his hand rest on the bed again. "You were lucky your friends found you so early on. We'll have to see to the wound again in a couple of hours, but for now, it seems you are lucky to be here without more damage." He sends a comforting smile, that makes Baekhyun's stomach turn and just before he leaves, he turns around. "Your band members are here. I'll send them in. Doctor Baek would like a word with you as well in the evening." 

Baekhyun closes his eyes and hopes he can fake sleep when the door opens again. He can't look the others in the eyes. He doesn't want to see them, he doesn't want to see their reaction to his failure. He's here because that's all he is - a failure. He can't accomplish anything. Baekhyun would rather take the panic, the pain, the hatred than he wants to see how disappointing he is. Because disappointment is the reason he is all this to begin with. Disappointment is the only thing he doesn't want to be and it's the only thing he has always been. It's just another proof that he's not good enough yet, it's just another reason to keep losing, even when things get tough. 

"Baekhyun!" someone cries and he's enveloped in strong arms before he even gets to open his eyes at the sound. It feels like Chanyeol, the sobs wrecking the large back and the tears wetting his hospital shirt make Baekhyun feel even more guilty for being here in the first. "I thought I had lost you," Chanyeol says and buries his face in Baekhyun's shoulder. Baekhyun awkwardly pats his shoulder with his left hand, his right arm still too painful to move much. "I thought I had ..." Chanyeol sobs and Baekhyun swears to himself he needs to go before he sees any more of Chanyeol's tears and becomes the disappointment of his life once again. 

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok is standing closest to the wall as he observes the scene before him. Chanyeol is hugging Baekhyun so tight he might choke him, but Minseok is more focused on the smaller man a little to his left. Jongdae hasn't been looking at him ever since Minseok left him yesterday with his apologies. He still sees the crying man on the couch for his eyes but Jongdae schedules his face into concern for the slightly older man in the hospital bed. 

Minseok shouldn't have left him but Jongdae deserves better than him. Something in him still doesn't believe the words because there's no way that Jongdae can like let alone love someone like Minseok. But even if the lie should turn out to be the truth Jongdae will learn about Minseok and hate him. There is no way that it won't happen because Minseok deserves hatred and loneliness. He's not skinny enough to be loved, he's not good enough for Jongdae. He sighs a little and returns his attention to the hospital bed. Chanyeol has let go of Baekhyun but he's still so close to the bed that it makes Minseok's slow heart ache. Baekhyun deserves the love he's showered in. Unlike him who has the opportunity to be loved but has to deny himself what he wants the most. Baekhyun is perfect. Skinny and talented and everything Minseok is not. Joonmyun starts talking and Minseok takes another look around.

Last time he was at the hospital, he was the one in the bed. Fatigue, they had said. Minseok had known better even then. That he was not fatigued, he was just a horrible human being. Last time he was at the hospital, he had been fainting. Now he's here because Baekhyun tried to kill himself. That's what the other's say at least. Sehun had found him in the bathroom bloody and screamed for help. Minseok hadn't been able to will his body from his bedroom and into the hallway before the ambulance had arrived. He feels bad for it, of course he does. But he can't show himself and his disgusting body to the members and his body had been so weak that morning. 

He's still exhausted but it's easily masked into concern and fear for his band member. No one is going to doubt him nor are they going to question him. Nobody cares about Minseok right now. It's the way it's supposed to be but it still makes him feel worse than he should. It still makes him want to cry and reach out but he isn't going to do that. Minseok has nothing and he deserves nothing. As he glances around the room one last time, he gets eye contact with Jongdae. The other seems just as surprised by the sudden eye contact, but he doesn't look away. It's Minseok that breaks the contact and stares at his shoes instead. He needs to leave them alone so he doesn't take focus from Baekhyun. He doesn't deserve to be here, he doesn't deserve to worry. He should leave. And so he does. 

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun has forgotten the doctor's words when there's another knock on his door and a woman in a doctor's coat steps inside. The members had left barely 2 minutes before and Baekhyun honestly just wants to drown in his own thoughts. Being social is so hard when he has to pretend, even when he doesn't say much. Of course they had asked. 'Why did you do it?' But Baekhyun doesn't have an answer he wants to share with them so he had stayed silent. Seeing Chanyeol crying has torn his heart in two and it definitely didn't get any better when Kyungsoo stubbornly wiped a tear away and whispered an apology. The woman sends him a smile and drags the chair closer to his bed and Baekhyun sinks back in his pillow and closes his eyes.  

"Baekhyun," she greets and he can almost hear the smile in her voice as well. It makes him shiver slightly and he folds his face into indifference. He doesn't want to talk to her. He doesn't know what she may want from him, but he doesn't want to let her inside. She'll only see what a disgusting person he is and he doesn't want that. 

"My name is Jihyun. I'm a psychiatrist." Baekhyun ignores her and she continues talking. "I spoke with Dr. Jo earlier. He told me about your suicide attempt and he wanted me to talk to you about your depression. Your band member, Joonmyun, mentioned to me that you have been in contact with a dietician as well. I don't think you're suffering from a unipolar depression."Baekhyun is still silent. "I don't want to force you into sessions with me right now when you're still recovering. But you can talk to me while you're here if you need it and when they discharge you from the department, I'm going to schedule meetings with me unless you want to get admitted to the psychiatric department?" 

She lets it hang in the air as a question but Baekhyun doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want to tell anyone how much of a failure he is but he doesn't want to get admitted to the psychiatric department either. He doesn't want to be sick because he isn't. He isn't ill with a mental disorder. She gets up from the chair and Baekhyun opens his eyes slightly. He sees her halting at the door and before he stops himself he opens his mouth to call her name. 

"Dr. Baek," he says and she turns around with a smile. Baekhyun hates himself for letting her know that he listened to what she said. But he hates himself even more for what he admits. "I'm scared." She returns to her seat at the bed and Baekhyun fists his hand in the blanket covering his body. She sends him a comforting smile. "I'm so fat and I'm so scared. I know I shouldn't be here because I shouldn't even have tried to die because I can't die before I'm good enough. But I'm never good enough, I'm always such a disappointment. No matter what I do, the refrigerator always laugh at me and there's blood, but I can't die." He looks up and meets her eyes. "I'm sorry." 

And then he realizes what he's said and shuts up like a clam. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Horrible, disgusting Baekhyun can't even keep quiet. Now she will know. Why didn't he lie, why did he say that? He wants to hit his head into something solid but she places a soft hand on his upper arm.

"Is there more you want to tell me?" she asks and Baekhyun shakes his head stubbornly. 

"I'm tired," he lies and scolds himself once again. If lying is so easy now, why did he reveal just how imperfect he is? Why did he say anything to her. Jihyun stands up again but she doesn't turn around. Instead, she nods at him. 

"Let me help you Baekhyun. We can fight it together, there's a world outside this." She goes to type something on the tablet that lies on his bed but when she leaves she forgets to log out of the app she's in. When the door is closed Baekhyun grabs the tablet and when his eyes find the words, he stares at them in disgust.  _Main diagnosis: possible Bulimia Nervosa. Other diagnoses: Unipolar depression._

 

☆★☆

 

The warm water runs down his naked body. It hits sore muscles and creates steam as it fogs up the mirror and lets him drown in the sounds of water hitting the floor. Minseok's body is so weak it's a miracle he's able to stand under the warm stream of water, but he must. He must. He doesn't know when he became this weak. One day he was able to get through his days with a lie or two. Nowadays any physical movement seems to exhaust him. Their dance routines has him napping for an hour or two and the social life he was once a part of has died out. 

Minseok doesn't do anything but the most necessary and sleep. The most necessary usually is keeping up his facade in front of his band members and hating himself when he's alone. He finds the shampoo bottle and squeezes a small amount into his hand. His hair is brittle as he runs the shampoo through it and hair clings to his fingers when he removes them again. The water is still on, warming up his cold body as it lands on his back, tickles down his back and follows the bumps of his spine. 

When he turns around to face the wall, the water flows down his upper body, is collected at the deep valleys at his collar bones. It dips under his ribs and follows his way too fat stomach before it is following the path made by his hip bones. Minseok is staring at his feet, his fat feet. His thighs are no longer touching but they're still so fat. He needs to lose a little more, just a little more. He can do it. 

When there is no more shampoo in his hair, he finds the razor and slowly but carefully removes the fine hair that he found two days ago. They're everywhere, as a layer much like goose down. Except they're not supposed to be there and someone will definitely point it out if they notice. As he puts the razor away again, he reaches for the conditioner. It doesn't do much to his hair but if it stops his hair stylist and her complaints, then it's good enough for him. 

His hair is still brittle when he washes the conditioner out. He turns off the shower and steps onto the soft towel he has placed on the floor outside. As he dries himself off, he avoids the mirror skillfully. He's done it many times before, showered without looking because looking would mean that the knowledge would come back. He's home alone so he carefully wraps the towel around his hips before he finds his moisturizer and starts spreading it onto his dry skin. Minseok will do anything if it means he gets to lose just another kilogram, just another 2. Just until he becomes pretty. Until then.


	17. xvii

"We need to ..." he hears when he opens the door to his bedroom and time freezes. Minseok stands in the doorway, Jongdae stands in front of his bed and they stare at each other. "Minseok," Jongdae says and breaks the magic as time starts again. Minseok realizes how naked he is in front of the other and bolts out of the room. Jongdae isn't letting him get away though and he's way faster than Minseok could ever hope to be with his weak body. Jongdae grabs his wrist and holds him back and Minseok tugs at his arm weakly. He isn't getting out of the other's hold any time soon and he's too weak to fight him. Instead, he looks at Jongdae. 

"Let me get dressed," he says, uncomfortably aware of how the other's brown eyes are observing his fat body and Jongdae shakes his head. Minseok wants to fight but there's nothing he can do. 

"When did you get this skinny?" Jongdae asks and pulls Minseok closer and embraces him. Minseok feels numb. The lies are all there again. He's not skinny, can't Jongdae see what he sees? It's not that hard? He shivers in the embrace but makes no motion to wrap his arms around Jongdae as well. He's sure Jongdae hates him for it, but he can't let himself get invested. He doesn't deserve the care. "What's your weight?" the younger whispers against his skin and Minseok shrugs. The numbers don't matter anymore, do they? He can hardly keep up with them himself, they're always swimming before his eyes. 

"50," he says and Jongdae snorts unattractively. When he lets go of Minseok he has a determined look in his eyes. 

"You weigh far less than 50," Jongdae says and takes hold of Minseok's shoulders as he steers the other from the hallway and into the bathroom. Minseok's eyes widen when he realizes Jongdae is getting the scale. He can't step onto the scale when Jongdae is there, Jongdae can't know what he weighs. He must not know. He'll be disgusted. He'll see Minseok for who he really is. He'll leave him. 

Minseok knows he's a coward, pushing the other away but being left because of his weight is too cruel of a truth, something he doesn't want to look in the eyes. He prays that Jongdae will abandon the idea of the scale but the other seems sure of it when he asks Minseok to step onto the glass. Minseok shakes his head no. No, he can't do it. Jongdae nods as if it'll prove him otherwise.

"Get on the scale," he says with a strong voice and Minseok feels the fight flare up in him. He's not that sick. He can take care of himself. He'll just need to lose a kg more. Jongdae will know when he's good enough, Minseok promises. He'll tell him when he's pretty enough but it isn't now, it just isn't now.

"I need to get dressed," he says instead but Jongdae doesn't let him. With a harsh tug on his arm, he forces Minseok to take a step forward and onto the scale. The numbers start counting his worth immediately as he sets both feet down and he's mesmerized by the way it counts up, up, up. Gross, gross, gross. 35, 36, 37. No more, he begs. Please. Please, no more numbers. He can't. 39, 40, 41. Minseok closes his eyes and then he hears Jongdae's gasp. 

"40," the other whispers and Minseok opens his eyes and stares at the two numbers. 40.1. He feels disgusting. 40.1. 40. It makes him want to find his work-out clothes and head to the gym. Tears stream down his face because he isn't able to control them and Jongdae notices. There are tears streaming down Jongdae's cheeks as well. Minseok hates himself. Can't Jongdae see how gross he is? He has the evidence right there in front of him, right there where it hurts the most. Minseok's secret is out in the open, he's all alone and Jongdae will ask them to kick him off the team. He'll suffer from not being good enough now. 

"I'm calling the doctor," Jongdae whispers into the room and leaves Minseok naked safe for the towel on the scale. The numbers disappear but Minseok is still standing there, staring at the floor as the truth sinks in. He's so disgusting. 

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun looks out of the window and away from the woman in the chair beside his hospital bed. She's probably smiling softly at him but Baekhyun doesn't want to see her because he doesn't want the concern or the understanding. He's gross, that all he needs to know. There's silent in the room, very unlike how it had been just an hour before but the silence is suffocating. Baekhyun almost prefers it when Chanyeol and the others are here. They talk about the outside world, not about him. Jihyun, on the other hand, expects him to tell her what he's thinking. And what is he even thinking that is worth telling her? 

"The fans send flowers," he says into the room, still staring out the window on the blue sky. There are flowers in the room. The fans don't know why he's here, just that he's in the hospital. Baekhyun doesn't know what the company has said but he knows they would never say 'EXO's Baekhyun tried to kill himself'. No, that would create a scandal, a scandal Baekhyun in itself has created just being born, but the company would never let it grow. He turns so he faces Jihyun.

"They don't know I tried to kill myself, yet they support me and wish me a speedy recovery. I don't deserve their concern or their well-wishes." Baekhyun doesn't know what makes him say all these things. If it's because he's no longer able to be alone in all this misery or if he's simply just too big of a failure to even keep this a secret. Jihyun sends him a soft smile again and he sighs and leans back into his pillow. 

"What makes you say you don't deserve their concern?" she asks and Baekhyun takes a deep breath. 

"I'm tired," he says and avoids her question altogether. "Please let me rest." He doesn't believe that she believes his words, she never seems to do whenever he tells her that he's tired, but she gets up from the chair anyway. 

"Let's talk more about all of this tomorrow, Baekhyun." With those words, she leaves him and Baekhyun closes his eyes to pretend he's resting. His thoughts are closing in on him again. A wish to get out and an order to stay silent and locked up in the hell that he has created for himself. He hasn't mentioned his eating habits or lack thereof for Jihyun yet but he knows that she knows more than she lets on. She has probably spoken to the members to know his habits. He's not even sure why he hides it from her. As if he can get even more disgusting. But the promise of something better still lingers in his mind, and his thoughts can't drown it out anymore. Maybe there is a way to leave the world of vomit, numbers and self-hate. If only he wasn't such a failure, if only he wasn't so afraid. 

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok is dressed when the doctor arrives. It's a middle-aged man named Dr. Cho and he smiles kindly at Minseok. Jongdae has a firm hold on his elbow as if he's scared Minseok will disappear if he doesn't hold onto him. Minseok doesn't have the energy to disappear, though. That is until the doctor says he thinks it would be better if Minseok gets admitted to the hospital. Then he mentions Anorexia and Minseok shakes his head. He's not sick. He's definitely not anorexic. Only girls get anorexia, he wouldn't get it. Can't they see he's way too fat to be anorexic? The girls with anorexia are scary, they're determined and way too skinny. That isn't Minseok. 

"I'm not anorexic," he says. "And I don't want to be admitted to the hospital. I'm not in any danger." Jongdae and the doctor shares a look that makes Minseok shiver. They don't believe him. They think he's lying. But why would he lie about this? He's not sick. The doctor tries to tell him the benefits of being admitted, better prospects for recovery and professional help that will listen to him. But Minseok still shakes his head. "I'm not sick," he repeats. 

He's not anorexic, why won't the doctor understand that? Jongdae looks at him with a worried expression and Minseok almost feels like pushing him away. It's all Jongdae's fault. If Jongdae had been away like he was supposed to be, if he hadn't been so dead set on talking with Minseok, if he hadn't been in his bedroom waiting for him, none of this would have happened. The doctor gets up to make a phone call and Jongdae looks at Minseok who avoids his gaze. He's ashamed. He should be, Minseok thinks. To think that he is anorexic is a foolish thought. Doesn't Jongdae know anything about anorexia? It's a scary disease, definitely not something Minseok suffers from. When the doctor returns he hands Jongdae a form.

"I think it's better if we involuntarily admit him," the doctor says and Jongdae nods. Minseok's mind shuts down. Wait, what? He stands up abruptly and points at the doctor. 

"You can't do that!" he shouts, energy suddenly overwhelming in his small body. Jongdae grabs his hand and forces him to sit down and the doctor smiles. It's mocking, Minseok is certain it's mocking. He's making fun of Minseok. They're going to lock him away, but he isn't sick! He shouldn't be admitted to the hospital. Where is their proof? 

"Minseok, you're going to die if you keep this up and I don't think you're capable of making this decision yourself right now. I already called an ambulance, it's on its way. Jongdae, please sign to confirm that we tried convincing Minseok and that he refused. You won't be held accountable for anything, I take full responsibility for the involuntary commitment we're making." Jongdae stares from the doctor to Minseok and back to the doctor again before he signs the paper and Minseok stares at him with wide eyes. 

"I hate you."

 

☆★☆

 

Chanyeol sends him a wide smile and holds the door open as Baekhyun steps outside in the garden connected to the hospital. It's been two days since he was rushed into the ER unconscious with an open wrist, but his body has recovered fairly well. His right wrist is still bandaged and he's still not really allowed to use his right hand for anything but at least the doctors have decided that getting some fresh air will probably do him well and so, he is allowed to walk into the garden for 30 minutes with company. That company is Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol has canceled most of his schedules so he can support Baekhyun and be sure he recovers well. Baekhyun is pretty sure there is something more beneath those words, but he doesn't want to think about it so he doesn't. He keeps thinking about Jihyun's promise about a world that is better, that he, too, deserves happiness and that his weight isn't going to determine how people think of him. He knows that's a lie because he works in the entertainment business so it's impossible not to be judged by his body but if only he could see it himself. If maybe he could lie to himself, that there really is a better world out there. 

"What do you think, Baek?" Chanyeol asks and breaks Baekhyun from his thought. The older raises a questioning eyebrow and the enthusiasm in Chanyeol's eyes deflate a little. It's hardly noticeable on the tall man, but Baekhyun notices because he's the reason. He's the reason Chanyeol isn't smiling as widely anymore when Baekhyun can't see him, he's the reason Chanyeol sometimes removes tear streaks on his cheeks as soon as Baekhyun steps into the room. He's the reason Chanyeol isn't the happy virus anymore and Baekhyun hates himself for that. 

There's nothing he can do to change it though but if he could, he would. He would still lose weight because losing weight is not a bad thing. But maybe he wouldn't have tried to kill himself. Maybe he would have taken a hand sooner, maybe. Maybe just doesn't make any difference now and Baekhyun still can't take the hand that's being reached towards him. Grab it, he thinks. Get the help. They're all willing to help you. But his mind keeps reminding him that he was never good enough to actually get the help in the first place. He hasn't lost enough weight to say yes to the help. He isn't the Byun Baekhyun he wanted to be. 

"What?" he asks and Chanyeol chuckles and it sends stabs through his heart. He wishes he could be better - for Chanyeol and for EXO.

"Did you even listen?" Chanyeol asks and Baekhyun shakes his head lightly. Chanyeol begins his story from the beginning and Baekhyun focuses on the way his eyes still shines with concerns and worries and forgets to listen once again.


	18. xviii

Joonmyun tells Baekhyun that Minseok has been forcefully admitted to the hospital the next day. Joonmyun doesn't seem to know what to do but Baekhyun assures him that it'll be alright. He does feel a little sorry for their leader, but it's not enough to regret his desire to lose weight. He does, however, feel sorry that Minseok has been admitted to the hospital for a low weight because the other didn't deserve that. 

The oldest member was perfect just the way he was and Baekhyun sort of wishes he could see that. He also sort of wishes he could have been as good as Minseok if it meant that he would be the one so skinny that the other members feared for his life. But they don't because Baekhyun isn't skinny nor is he good enough for their concern. Jihyun's efforts in making him open up seem so fruitless as he stares out the window after Joonmyun has left and decides that he can become skinny as well. He won't ever get to where Minseok is, he doesn't need to weigh 40 or below. He does, however, need to weigh 47 or maybe just 45. Anything that is below his 50. 

Baekhyun turns around to smile at the nurse that is checking the wound on his wrist. The nurse doesn't seem to acknowledge Baekhyun so he clears his throat and they look up and send him a smile.

"Yes?" they ask before they continue their task on his lower arm. Baekhyun ignores the sting of pain as they remove the bandage to clean the wound and put on a clean bandage to make sure it doesn't get infected.

"My band member was admitted to the psychiatric ward yesterday and I was wondering if I could ... you know, go see him? We were really close and I just want to talk to him." The nurse raises an eyebrow and Baekhyun folds his face in sadness. It's not true that he was 'really close' with Minseok but who was he to deny the brotherly bond they had faked so many times. It's not that Baekhyun dislikes Minseok, no, not at all. Baekhyun likes their eldest, he really does. He just never got the opportunity to get really close to him before he started seeing flaws in himself and withdrew from the rest of them out of fear. It's not his fault nor is it the elder's fault. The nurse tells him that they'll call the psychiatric ward to ask if it's okay.  

14 minutes later the nurse enters again to tell Baekhyun that it's okay. That he can go see Minseok in the psychiatric ward for 30 minutes or so. He'll be followed there by another nurse so he doesn't get lost and there'll be someone inside the room with them to observe Minseok during the meeting because of his circumstances but other than that, it'll be okay. Baekhyun thinks he hears the underlying 'so you don't do anything that could get you admitted to the psychiatric ward as well'. 

It seems the entire hospital staff knows that his journal screams Bulimia Nervosa and Baekhyun dislikes it with everything he has, but still, he can't deny that everything Jihyun has been telling him in the afternoons doesn't sound true. Baekhyun hasn't told her many things. In all honesty, he hasn't really told her anything worth telling anyone. He has mostly been speaking about Chanyeol or his fans. Nothing about himself. But Jihyun usually tells him about how he feels and it's scaring the shit out of him. So he closes his mouth. It does leave an impact on Baekhyun though. He sighs as he nods and gets out of bed. He hates the IV drip in his left hand and the stand he has to carry with him. He dislikes the pajamas he's wearing that screams patient and he can't stand the way the other patients look at his bandaged arm. Yes, he's got a wound there, so what. It's not like they know what really happened. He sighs as he follows the nurse to the psychiatric department. At least, he'll soon be out.

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok refuses to eat. It's rewarding, somehow, to stare into the doctor's eye and shake his head no whenever they try to tell him that he needs to eat. He doesn't. Sure, he's weak but he survived so far, he'll get to 37 and then he'll stop. He just needs those last few kilograms, the last few persistent kilograms. The doctors look frustrated. As if they've never dealt with someone as stubborn as him. Minseok prides himself in that. Because he isn't ill. He doesn't need their pity, their help or their food. 

The nurses sigh heavily before they enter his room with a little something, Minseok knows. He has an IV-drip in his left hand but it's only saline and saline isn't going to make him gain weight, so that's okay. He can deal with that. He just needs to convince them to let him go soon and he'll be fine. He can handle himself and his weight loss just fine. 

The door opens and Minseok turns to look at the man in his doctor's coat. He looks serious, a little like he's dealt with too many mentally ill patients throughout his career to have any passion or empathy left in him. Minseok decides instantly that he doesn't like the doctor. The doctor doesn't seem to care when he gets closer. 

"Minseok," he starts and Minseok winces at the sound of his voice. Whatever he's going to say, Minseok is going to disagree with it, he knows this already. It's probably because of his refusal to eat but Minseok has explained to so many people that he isn't ill, that he doesn't need to be here and that they'll all be better off if they just discharge him. Nobody seems to agree with Minseok though and it's only making him even more unwilling. "We're going to insert an NG-tube so we can make sure you get some nutrition in you. I'm just telling you this before the surgery so you're aware of it. We don't need your consent." Minseok stares at him. They can't do that, can they?

"You can't do that," he says and sounds more certain than he is. When he meets the doctor's eyes, there's almost a mocking glint in them. He enjoys Minseok's pain at the news. 

"We can. I'm afraid you don't have any power as you've been involuntarily admitted. You need the NG-tube to survive, Minseok." With those words, he leaves and Minseok gapes at the door. No way. He doesn't want an NG-tube. He doesn't want them to force feed him. That's gross. It's gross. It should be against the law. He's not sick, he can eat himself. He can ... He can ... 

Minseok succumbs to the panic attack that is lurking right around the corner and lets it shake his body as he drags his knees up under him and rocks back and forth. His slow heart is beating a little faster, his skin a little clammier and they're going to make him fat, they're going to make him fat. The vision that swims before his eyes is so disgusting that it almost makes him vomit involuntarily. He'll be back to fat Minseok. He'll be back to the kid with chubby cheeks and a stomach that hid his feet when he was standing. He'll be back at 60, he'll be back at 80. They'll laugh when they force feed him and all he will be able to do is look at the way his body bulges out again. He's been so good, he's lost so much. He can't go back now, he can't go back now. And he cries into his knees as the idea that there's nothing he can do settles in him. 

 

☆★☆

 

Another nurse opens the white door and calls for Minseok. There's only one bed in the room but the form on the bed doesn't make any motion to turn around. Baekhyun stares at it. Was Minseok really this small? The sharp edges of the body on the bed is more prominent than he remembers Minseok ever being. The nurse tells him that there's someone to visit and nods to Baekhyun as if to tell him to move closer. So he does. He takes the seat at the edge of the bed, the nurse placing herself in a chair beside the door. He lets his left hand linger slowly over the form on the bed before he removes it again. Minseok looks as if he could break with just a touch. His bones are so visible that Baekhyun is convinced there is nothing but skin and bones in him. Logically speaking that isn't true, but Minseok doesn't look like there's anything else.  

"Hyung," he tries and Minseok turns around at the unexpected voice.

"Baek," he says and the two of them get eye contact. Baekhyun only barely contains his gasp when he notices the tape on the other's cheek, holding the tube going into his nose in place. His cheeks look tearstained but it's hard to tell and Baekhyun promises himself not to mention it. In all honesty, the eldest looks horrible. Baekhyun takes a deep breath before he sends him a smile. 

It's like watching a skeleton shift in the bed and smile faintly but even Minseok's smile doesn't reach his eyes. It creeps Baekhyun out. He wonders why he never noticed the other grow so small, how he never saw the life disappear from the other's eyes. Was he really that isolated? Did he really care so little about his band members that he hadn't noticed how Minseok had disappeared into nothingness? Was he really that selfish? A tiny voice in his mind tells him yes. Yes, he's so selfish, he's so horrible a friend that he didn't notice, that he didn't care. Minseok takes a deep breath and Baekhyun notices the way his chest visibly shift with the air he inhales. It makes him uncomfortable to be here. 

Baekhyun doesn't want it to because Minseok is supposed to be his friend, Minseok is his friend, a brother in EXO. But here he is and it's like looking at death. 

"Are you alright?" Minseok asks and Baekhyun realizes he hasn't said or done anything ever since he got in here. Ever since he made his presence known. He nods and sends Minseok a smile. 

"Yeah, they say I can leave in another day or two when the wound is fully closed and there's only a slim chance it'll open with movement. I'm still not really allowed to use it though and they say the bandage has to stay on for another 2 weeks minimum to prevent infection." Baekhyun shrugs. It's not like it's the wound he cares about. There are other things on his mind, things that he's now starting to doubt. Minseok nods.

"That's good then. I'll be home soon as well." He sounds so certain that Baekhyun can't help but turn around to look at the nurse. She seems invested in her phone and it doesn't even look like she just heard what Minseok said. Baekhyun has a feeling Minseok isn't telling the truth, though. He hopes that Minseok isn't telling the truth. 

"How much do you weigh?" he asks in a whisper and Minseok stares at him, as if trying to figure out why Baekhyun needs to know that. But Baekhyun really does need to know. Because it's scaring him. It's scaring him to see Minseok like this. And something inside of him tells him that it could be him. That he could be the skeleton in the bed with a tube down his nose if he hadn't been careful. If he had been better, this could have been him. But instead of making him feel sad that he isn't, it makes him feel relieved. Baekhyun knows it's a dangerous question but he needs to know. Minseok shrugs and his shoulders move under his skin so visibly that Baekhyun feels goosebumps at the sight. 

"They say 40," Minseok says and lets his eyes drift towards the door. Baekhyun promises himself to tell Jihyun about Minseok. Because suddenly his dream goal of 45 is scaring him. He doesn't want to be Minseok. He doesn't want to turn into nothing but skin and bones. He bites his lower lip and nods. Maybe Jihyun will understand him for being such a bad friend. Maybe he's just made to disgust people but ... he can't fight himself anymore. As he leaves Minseok's room he makes a promise to himself to tell Jihyun that he wants her help. For real this time. 

 

☆★☆

 

Minseok places his head on the pillow. He feels disgusting. He has never felt more disgusting in his entire life if he has to be honest. There has been another nurse to take his blood samples. They put in the NG-tube and he's been fed dinner. Without even opening his mouth, they had forced food into him in the most disgusting of ways. Minseok really wishes he could pull the NG-tube out but he feels so disheartened. 

He just wants to go home, he just wants to shed the last 3 kg. so he can become really pretty. He doesn't want to be here when he isn't sick, but the atmosphere of the hospital is draining all of his energy. Jongdae had been there as well after Baekhyun. Jongdae comes every day to see him. Minseok doesn't get it. He doesn't really get anything these days. How anybody wants to talk to him when what they see isn't what he sees himself. He swallows the lump in his throat and closes his eyes. He doesn't belong here. 

Minseok doesn't want to die, that's not it. It's not a death wish. He just wants to be pretty. He just wants to belong somewhere, to be the one they all admire. To be the one they all like, to be the one in control. But as he lies in his bed he realizes he doesn't have control at all. There is nothing he can do from here. He isn't even allowed to walk, has been driven in a wheelchair every time he had to leave his room. And sure, he could get up from his bed and start walking around, burning off the calories they put into him. And maybe he will do exactly that when it's midnight and they're all sleeping. 

When they can't hear him and he can bring the IV-solution with him so he can walk freely. Maybe he'll do a push-up or twenty. Maybe he will walk up and down the stairs in the hospital for an hour. Maybe he will. Because he can't let them ruin his progress. Not like this.


	19. xix

Minseok hates the hospital. He hates the doctors and their white coats, he hates the nurses and their determined steps and most of all, he hates the fact that he is here because being here means that he's sick. And Minseok isn't sick. He sighs and turns in his bed, the IV-drop pulling a little in his hand when it's stretched as much as possible. He glances at it with disgust but lets his hand fall back so he doesn't stretch it out too far. He still has the NG-tube and he's still being force fed whenever they deem him unable to eat and it's really unfair. Minseok spends every night walking around in his room, counting his steps. 100, 110, 120. 

He knows it doesn't do much but the thought of how many calories they're actually putting in him is so disgusting to him that it gives him small panic attacks. So Minseok doesn't think of how many calories he's forced to consume but rather how many he can burn off without their knowledge. Minseok has learned pretty fast that he's not the only anorexic that is admitted to the psychiatric ward. Well, that is if he was anorexic to begin with which he is absolutely not. 

That aside, when he is allowed in the common room in his wheelchair and he sees the other patients, they're fairly easy to spot - the ones who think the same way he does. They're mostly girls, of course, they are. But they're a lot skinnier than he is. They're allowed to walk around though which makes Minseok feel slightly jealous. He wants to walk around as well. He knows it's a gamble considering his career but if he hasn't been allowed seeing other people he would have gone insane. The 48-hour isolation with only the members visit was proof enough of that. 

There's a girl who has been looking at him strangely as if she's not sure she's seeing the person she thinks she's seeing and Minseok doesn't blame her. News of him being admitted to the psychiatric ward hasn't exactly been spread around. And the hospital staff cannot say anything. 

When she does take the first few steps towards him and introduces herself one afternoon, though, she also promises that she won't tell anyone why he's here. This has Minseok frowning. He's not sick, he's just here because Jongdae was worried about him. He tells her this and she laughs. It sounds a little scary but she shakes her head and smiles at him.

"You know, I thought my parents were just worried about me as well. That there was nothing wrong at all. Turned out my world was a mix of reality and hallucinations and now I'm here. Well, at least until the doctors deem me good enough to go home. Don't you want to go home?" she asks and Minseok sighs and turns to his hands. He does. He wants to go home. But he doesn't want to get fatter just to go home and shed it all once more. He only needs to get to 38 kg. Perhaps he can even compromise and agree on 38.5 kg. 

"I do," he says and looks up but when he's about to elaborate he sees Jongdae in the doorway, waving at him and he sends the girl a smile. "My friend is here, so I guess I have to go." He schools his expression into a smile, masks all thoughts of getting fatter and losing weight again when he waves to Jongdae as well. The girl nods and leaves and Jongdae hurries to Minseok's side. His lips are smiling but his eyes don't portray the happiness and Minseok knows that he's been awake all night. The dark circles under his eyes are only badly concealed but Minseok doesn't mention it and Jongdae doesn't say anything either when he takes Minseok back to his room.

 

☆★☆

 

Baekhyun is discharged from the hospital on a rainy summer day. The manager is here to pick him up and his signature is illegible as he signs with his left hand. The right arm is still in bandages, the scar hidden for the world to see, but at least he's out of the hospital. The fans will know that he's been discharged, seeing as he has schedules already tomorrow. He's not exactly sure he can do a fan meeting but the manager has promised that there won't be a fan sign and Baekhyun guesses it's good enough that he has to fake happiness in front of all of them. He's sure the bandage will be covered by clothes, hiding the truth from the world to see. He sighs as he gets in the car and fumbles with the tablet. It's not easy doing everything with his left hand. 

He's still an out-patient though. Jihyun isn't letting him go all that willingly and somehow Baekhyun doesn't want her to either. He doesn't exactly like his diagnosis, hell, maybe he even still disagrees with it. But when he had finally told her that he was too fat and that he didn't want to fight the refrigerator anymore, he had acknowledged that if 'bulimia nervosa' could help him get out of the nightmare in which he was trapped, then maybe it wasn't all that bad. 

He sighs a little when he accidentally clicks a tabloid website. News of kpop idols spring to life and most of them are boring, this one has a comeback, that one has a comeback. But then there's a little side section and the title catches his eyes and makes him gasp.  _'Reasons EXO's Baekhyun might be hospitalized'_  is the headline and it makes him crumble in fear. What if they know? If someone snuck inside and knows that he's sick, that he tried to kill himself. But it's all fan speculations and people disagreeing with the official statement from SM Entertainment. 

Baekhyun understands their skepticism, he really does. He just can't tell them the truth either and he trusts his company to know how to deal with all this. In all honesty, Baekhyun doesn't want to deal with it himself when he's still falling. 

It's a little like a free fall, Jihyun had said. Baekhyun thinks it describes it all very well. Climbing up is almost impossible and falling is so easy. The dreadful feeling he has carried around in forever is still there, clawing at him and dragging him down, down, down. Jihyun also said he needed to make the conscious choice of wanting to get better. He needed to fight it. And if Baekhyun is honest, he thinks he might be able to do it. At least he's going to give it a try.

 

☆★☆

 

Jongdae sits on his bed, Minseok is still in his wheelchair. Sure, he should have lied down but somewhere inside, he hopes that the way he slowly moves his foot up and down is enough to burn just a few calories. And if Minseok can burn a few calories sitting as well, then it's definitely better than lying down and letting them feed him until he's fat. Jongdae doesn't say anything, only hums a little as if the silence speaks enough for both of them. It doesn't. 

The only thing the silence says is that he has to fight harder. Needs to fight more, needs to be less than he is today because tomorrow they will come and they will feed him again no matter how much he protests, no matter how big of a fuss he makes. It's almost not worth the fight, the staff not even listening when he rationally tries to explain to them that they're making a mistake. 

Maybe Minseok is aware that they're just doing their job, somewhere deep down, but he was just doing his job as well. They are both professionals so how come they can't see that Minseok needs to get back on the stage, needs to get back to his fans, needs to get back to EXO so they can stand on stage together. Jongdae sends him a shy smile when he leans a little forward and Minseok leans back in his wheelchair.

"What are you thinking?" Jongdae asks curiously and puts a hand on Minseok's thigh to stop his leg from moving. Minseok scowls a little and starts opening and closing his hand in a small fist. Movement burns calories so obviously, he needs to move. Jongdae eyes him with an unreadable expression.

"Nothing," Minseok lies and sends Jongdae a smile so the other doesn't notice how he's still trying to burn as many calories as possible despite being forced to stay still. Jongdae notices though and puts his other hands around Minseok's to still the movement as well. Minseok wants to snap at him but that wouldn't make anything better either. He sighs a little. "What about you?" Jongdae looks towards the floor quickly before he gets eye contact with Minseok.

"You," he states boldly and Minseok shrinks a little. Jongdae shouldn't be thinking about Minseok. It's true that he did confess but Minseok also doesn't deserve it so he rejected him. Doesn't he know how much Minseok is hurting him? Isn't he aware of how good he is? How Minseok isn't good enough to accept it? Minseok doesn't get to finish his self-hatred before a soft pair of lips meets his own cracked ones and he stills. 

Time stands completely still, his body no longer moving at all. Jongdae has closed his eyes, Minseok can see that. But it's not love that the kiss transfers. He's pretty sure Jongdae doesn't mean to tell him how wrong he is, what a terrible human he is, by kissing him. It's usually not the message with a kiss. But Minseok is so hyper aware of all his flaws in that moment that he doesn't even enjoy it. It only makes him smaller, his mind screaming at him to stop Jongdae before the other does something he'll regret. Minseok can't stop the tears that run down his cheeks nor can he stop his thoughts from punishing him when Jongdae pulls away and the glint in his eyes cracks and dies down. 

"Please leave," Minseok says and Jongdae does so without another word.

 

☆★☆

 

Chanyeol is waiting for him when they arrive back at the dorm. He's talking animatedly about something Baekhyun doesn't understand as if nothing is wrong but there's an aura of doom around him. As if he's been waiting for today to happen, only to see that something horrible is going to happen. Baekhyun understands because the rain has always been dampening Chanyeol's mood, but the taller one is trying hard not to let it get to him. 

At least it seems like it when he sends Baekhyun a lopsided smile and tells him that he's going to order Baekhyun's favorite food for dinner. Baekhyun winces at the mention of food. Sure, he has taken the decision to get better but he's not sure he can indulge in greasy food so soon. The whispers of how fat he is come back slowly, the creep back to him like a fog surrounding him and it isn't until Chanyeol places a hand on his shoulder that Baekhyun seems to be able to shake them off. They're there, though, hiding just behind him and ready to attack him if he takes one step wrong. He'll fall again and he knows it. Then he remembers Jihyun's words and curses the woman for knowing him so well despite not knowing anything at all and the desire to fight it all slowly gets bigger again. 

"Don't ... expect too much," he tells Chanyeol as they settle on the couch and it shuts Chanyeol up almost instantly. 

"Expect ... too much?" he asks and Baekhyun nods. Don't expect too much. He's still not good enough, still not thin enough to actually eat something like this and despite his hospital stay he has yet to actually eat a large amount of food. He dreads it. The feeling of being full is still the worst he can imagine and he surely doesn't want that. He doesn't want the other to think he's suddenly all better. Sehun eyes him skeptically when he passes them in the living room and Baekhyun feels his heart plummet. 

The younger hasn't said a lot. Chanyeol thinks it's because he's still a little affected about the news of Minseok's admission to the hospital. Baekhyun, however, is pretty sure it's his fault all the same because it was Sehun who found him bloody and half-dead. He wishes he could turn back time, only if it would leave him either dead or completely alive. Jongin enters the dorm with Taemin, they're laughing loudly and Baekhyun pulls his knees close to himself and wraps his arms around them. Chanyeol raises an eyebrow. 

"Oh, hyung," Jongin says and quickly releases Taemin's hand as if they have been caught doing something inappropriate. Taemin smiles and nods his greetings. "Welcome home." The two of them disappear rather quickly and Baekhyun feels the guilt in his stomach. He's not worth their company. But of course, he isn't, he never was. He sighs a little when Joonmyun and Kyungsoo enter the dorm after a schedule. 

"I just don't get what I did wrong," Kyungsoo whines and Joonmyun pats his shoulder in a comforting manner before he sees Chanyeol and Baekhyun on the couch. He sends them a smile but says nothing as he follows Kyungsoo into the kitchen while the other keeps whining about the filming and how he'd apparently been taking one too many re-do's in his own opinion. Yixing saunters into the living room yawning and stretches his hands in the air. He doesn't say anything but he, too, sends Baekhyun a smile and Baekhyun buries his head in his knees and lets the darkness consume him once more. He doesn't understand how they can all be so happy to see him when he is not worth seeing and it both hurts and comforts him. Chanyeol's soft hand on his back is soothing as Baekhyun lets his mind fight itself.

 


	20. final i

  
☆★☆

 

Eating has him almost gagging on reflex. Jihyun raises an eyebrow at him and Baekhyun winces. She had doubted him when he told her that he used to vomit twice a day. Whether or not she didn't believe the number or whether or not she didn't believe that he vomited, Baekhyun isn't sure of. And sure, he lied. He didn't vomit twice a day, he used to vomit all the time. He doesn't anymore though because he's actually getting better. That is not to say that he is fine and believes in himself, not at all. He does still on occasion sneak in the diet pill when it gets a little too rough and the thoughts still linger in the back of his mind. The weight loss dream is still there. But yeah, sure, he is getting better. 

"How does it make you feel?" she asks after a minute and Baekhyun puts the spoon down before he sighs and looks up from his half-eaten plate.

"Gross," he answers and she sends him a smile. He doesn't know what she makes of his progress but she says she can definitely feel it coming. She told him it takes times and not just a week or two, no, a long time. Baekhyun doubted her words at first. How long could it take to actually stop wanting to vomit or hurt himself when it took such a short time to start wanting it in the first place. But Baekhyun has grown smarter than that because it is taking him a long time. 

He hates their eating sessions the most. Talking is one thing, it's a little like lying except he can't lie if he honestly wants to get better and he does. Baekhyun has seen just a little bit of hope on the other side that doesn't include razors or white toilet bowls and he wants that. He wishes he could have kept his weight as well though but you can't have everything.

The first time Jihyun had asked him to step on the scale after he was discharged was also the first time since his suicide attempt that he was to watch his weight. And the 53 that had mocked him in red had forced him into a panic attack, a sudden desire to lose more weight, to run to the bathroom and prod at his gag reflex and get it out, out, out. But Baekhyun hadn't vomited that day because the door was locked and Jihyun was there. 

Well, he hadn't vomited at the hospital. He had found a public bathroom on his way home and forced two fingers down his throat until the horrible feeling of guilt had gone away. Jihyun doesn't know this. Baekhyun doesn't find it necessary to tell her this because it's a step back he isn't exactly proud of. 

"Are you full?" she asks when he hasn't taken a bite in 5 minutes and Baekhyun decides that, yes, he's full. He isn't. But the feeling of being full still really terrifies him and sure, he wants to get better, but he can't just magically get better. At least not if magically getting better includes being full. He nods and sends her a smile. They spend the rest of the hour talking about how eating makes him feel and Baekhyun isn't sure he's supposed to lie if he's supposed to be getting better, but he can't help it. 

 

Baekhyun steps out of the hospital and forces himself not to find the first public bathroom he can. He'll just eat little for dinner tonight and it should be fine. They all know he eats with Jihyun every second Monday anyway. A car honks a few meters away from him and when Baekhyun looks up he recognizes Joonmyun's car. The passenger door opens and Chanyeol leans out with a goofy grin spread across his features.

"Hurry up," he says and Baekhyun almost run to catch up with the two of them. 

"Where are we going?" he asks when he gets into the car. Joonmyun offers him a smile and tells him they're going shopping for Jongdae's birthday party. Baekhyun stiffens a little on the back seat. Birthdays. Birthdays mean cake and candy and fat food and Baekhyun doesn't think he's particularly ready for that. Joonmyun interrupts his train of thought when he starts the car and drives off from the hospital. Baekhyun sinks back into the leather seats and turns to look at the city as they drive past. 

He knows he shouldn't be thinking of ways to avoid the birthday party because that is only another setback and still his mind keeps reminding him to eat a diet pill daily the entire week before the birthday party to make sure he doesn't gain too much, to remember that he can always prod at his gag reflex if he gets too full and to remember to jog 5 km to burn off calories. He shakes his head slowly. He needs to tell Jihyun about this tomorrow but as Joonmyun parks the car and Chanyeol excitedly hurries off like a way-too-big puppy Baekhyun files it in the back of his mind as 'things that shouldn't be said out loud'. 

He smiles as he walks with Joonmyun. The older is talking about what present to get Jongdae and Baekhyun honestly almost forgets what he was thinking about in the car and why he is so afraid of birthday parties, to begin with.

They settle on an RC car, Joonmyun is sure Jongdae is going to love and Baekhyun finds himself laughing when Chanyeol comes back with a pair of ridiculous sunglasses and declares that he's going to give them to Jongdae. Joonmyun just rolls his eyes, but Baekhyun can't thank Chanyeol enough for making him laugh genuinely and he finds himself willing to fight it all once again.

There is a life on the other side of self-induced vomiting and black thoughts. Chanyeol begs Joonmyun to buy him bubbletea and the leader is, as usual, kind enough to do so. Baekhyun declines but promises it's not because of his thoughts and for once it's actually true.

 

The dorm is filled with balloons and other decorations. There's a cake in the refrigerator along with plenty of delicious dishes that has been created by fancy chefs. There's a mountain of candy stocked away in the cabinets  and Baekhyun knows he shouldn't be doing this. He wants to will himself to move, to go back to bed, Jongdae will come home tomorrow and he will see it all and be happy and they will celebrate and eat it all together. That's how it's supposed to be. 

Baekhyun shouldn't be standing in the kitchen at 3.23 in the morning and staring into the sharp orange light of the refrigerator as the coldness seeps into the room. This is wrong. Baekhyun is getting better, right? He is definitely getting better so why is he here, staring at the cheesecake that calls his name in the most seductive way he has ever heard. He closes the refrigerator while he tells himself no. First and foremost, he won't get any skinnier if he eats alone. That is rule number one. He can't eat alone. Even Jihyun says this because she wants him to break the dangerous binge-cycle. But he can't will himself away from the kitchen. It's like there's a force field keeping him there, telling him to taste it, if only to make sure that it actually tastes good enough to serve. 

Instead of opening the refrigerator he opens the cabinets and stares at the candy. One candy bar won't make him fat. Nobody will notice it has gone away. It's a little like midnight snacking he tells himself. Just one candy bar and then he'll go to sleep. One candy bar won't make him feel guilty either so there will be no reason to do any harm after. Just one.

Baekhyun reaches for one but grabs two unconsciously. Okay, he can do two. Two candy bars aren't going to make him fat and they won't make him feel guilty. He slowly opens the first one. As he takes the first bite he closes his eyes and moans lowly. It tastes so good. The softness of the chocolate melts on his tongue and it's just too good. Baekhyun hasn't tasted anything as heavenly in a long long time. He quickly devours the first candy bar and opens the second. Just one more. One more is okay and his stomach is begging him for more. More, more, more. 

Baekhyun grabs another candy bar from the cabinet. Then another one. The wrappers fall to the floor like rain, Baekhyun too occupied with eating to actually care. He doesn't know how many he's eaten but the wrappers on the floor say 11 when he opens the refrigerator once again. The cake looks so tasty and the small dishes of seafood and other delicacies call out to him once again. 

So Baekhyun naturally grabs the cake and finds a fork and starts eating. The cheesecake is soft and delicious and it has him moaning in delight as well as he scoops bite after bite down. He hardly even chews it. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice tells him to stop. It's drowned the second he opens the coke and takes a gulp. He sits on the floor and grabs dish after dish, shoving food inside. 

And then suddenly he realizes that he's ruining Jongdae's birthday. He's eaten almost all the food and it's now 4.12 am. He stares in shock at his reflection in the metallic refrigerator door and how it slowly morphs into fat cheeks and a double chin. He's disgusting. He's absolutely disgusting. Baekhyun hates himself that moment. He was doing so well. He was trying to fight it all, he had been getting better. 

Sure, he was told recovery was hard, but this - this is just disgusting. This is not recovering. This is not who Baekhyun was supposed to be. This is just the nightmare all along and he'll be getting both fat and disgusting. He gets up and scrambles to the bathroom. One last time. He promises that he'll call Jihyun tomorrow and tell her everything. What he's been doing. He almost wants to call her now and just cry, tell her how stupid he is and how disgusting he is but he can't call at 4 am, she's asleep. So he does the only thing he knows - he opens his mouth and lets two fingers prod at his gag reflex until he vomits. 

Then he feels a strong pain in his stomach and he removes his fingers from his throat to clutch at his stomach. The pain is stronger than anything he has ever felt before, it's dizzying and definitely way worse than cutting his wrist. It's nauseating and Baekhyun feels the overwhelming need to vomit again so he does so except this time it's mostly blood. It's disgusting really, as he coughs into the toilet and the blood drips down his chin. The pain in his stomach spreads from the left side to the right and he curls into a ball on the white-tiled floor as he tries his best to conquer the pain. It'll go away in a minute. It always does, Baekhyun hasn't done anything abnormally wrong. 

He coughs again, specks of blood painting the white floor. His heart is beating faster than it usually is but Baekhyun doesn't notice because the pain is so overwhelming. He's hyperventilating when he notices how hard breathing has actually become and he tries to force himself to relax, to stop panicking and to take deep breaths. Breathing doesn't get easier nor does the stomach pain let up. And as he closes his eyes tightly shut to focus on letting go of the pain, he's painfully aware of how similar this situation is to something else. He cries out, tears falling from his eyes as the pain gets too intense and then he drifts off into blackness, a sudden feeling of calmness filling him. All he sees is black.


	21. final ii

☆★☆

 

Minseok is sleeping when a shrill tone suddenly snaps him out of sweet dreams. At first he thinks it's the fire alarm, then he realizes it's his phone. The screen flashes with Joonmyun's name on it and when he finally picks up, the first thing he hears is a sob. Joonmyun is unable to tell him anything though and it isn't until the manager's voice fills his ear that he finally gets the news. 

Baekhyun is dead, died at 4.43 AM according to doctors and the manager is going to talk to the hospital so that Minseok can attend the funeral. When he hangs up he's filled with a bitter sadness. It doesn't really occur to him that Baekhyun is actually dead until Jongdae calls him and cries. Jongdae rarely cries but there is nothing left of the strong man that has been telling Minseok to start caring about himself when he sobs over the phone. Minseok feels horrible. He can't be there to support his band members and he can't even be there to mourn Baekhyun when he should have been. It's also slightly terrifying, he realizes, a few minutes later. That it could be him. That life could be taken away so quickly. 

Minseok knows of Baekhyun's problems with food. Jongdae told him. He's not sure if it was supposed to scare him but it hadn't. He had felt sorry for Baekhyun, of course he had. The other was too precious to even worry about food. Now, however, he's just left with a weird sort of numbness. His band member has died yet he hasn't even shed a tear yet. Minseok kind of hates himself. He doesn't leave his bed for the entire day. Instead, he stares at the ceiling and when the clock is 8 PM he feels the tear tracks drying on his cheeks and knows that he has been crying. 

He loved Baekhyun, they all did. Baekhyun was perfect no matter what he did, his voice a gift from heaven and Minseok knows for certain that maybe being stubborn about losing weight was a wrong choice when all it lead to was unhappiness. Now he'll never get to tell Baekhyun that the other was perfect. He'll never get the opportunity to apologize for not noticing, for not caring. The sob that wrecks his body is so pathetic that Minseok wants to hate himself for it, but he can't. He just wants to cry. 

 

They remove the NG-tube a day before the funeral. He's told not to walk around, preferably being in the wheelchair despite being allowed to walk around in the hospital on his own for an hour every day. The doctors are sympathetic and even agrees to cut down on the aggressively sized meals they've been giving him. Minseok still kind of refuses to eat, it's not that easy to suddenly change, but he's actually making an effort to change. It's not that Minseok is particularly proud of himself. He wishes he could stop eating and lose the last few kilograms but the doctors are also very clear with him - if he doesn't gain more weight, they're putting the NG-tube back in and they'll force feed him until he weighs 50 kg. The number is absurdly high, Minseok is sure he'll collapse long before he actually gets there. For now he weighs 44 kg. and that is still horrifying, but it's definitely better than 50. He wishes they won't go over 45 but he's also pretty sure that he can't negotiate with the doctors so they let him stay there. 

The manager picks him up an hour before the funeral and he gives Minseok a sympathetic look as if the suit is too big on him. Minseok knows it hangs a little loose but it's better than filling it out completely because that would mean he is fat. He isn't, though and his cheekbones are still horribly visible on his cheeks and his collarbones still create deep valleys. It's okay as long as his bones don't disappear underneath a layer of fat again.

There's silent in the car. He's been told it's a private affair. The members are going to be there, the same is Baekhyun's family. A few other friends are probably coming as well to pay their respects. The fans have not been notified of time and place of the funeral and Minseok hopes they won't come. He doesn't want to be seen in the wheelchair that is now lying in the back of the car, waiting for them to arrive so Minseok doesn't have to walk. 

When they arrive the members are there. They're all dressed in black and few acknowledges him. The manager wheels him closer to the coffin and Minseok feels a lump in his throat. He had promised himself he wouldn't cry, just to honor Baekhyun's beautiful smile, but looking at the picture on top of the coffin is so hard that he cries anyway. 

He gets off of the wheelchair and steps closer only to bow down in front of the picture so he can pay his respects. He wants it to be a nightmare, he wants the nurse to come to wake him up any minute now. But there is no nurse to wake him up, only the soft cries of his members and Baekhyun's family. As he rises from where he's bowing, he wipes away a tear.

"I'm sorry," he whispers to the picture. What he's sorry for he isn't sure. But he's definitely sorry. He feels a soft hand grab his own and when he turns he finds Jongdae. The other has been crying as well and Minseok doesn't say anything that could ruin it. For once, Jongdae needs him just as much as he needs Jongdae. They move a little away, closer to the group but there's silence amongst them all. Nobody knows exactly what to say. To bury a friend is something Minseok had hoped he would never have to do, at least not while he was still young, but here he is, along with the rest of them. 

Chanyeol is staring blankly ahead of him, Joonmyun is crying into Yixing's chest and Sehun, Jongin and Kyungsoo are just standing there. It is as if the world has suddenly stopped moving, but Minseok knows that isn't the case. He doesn't like being here so when he turns to Jongdae he tells him he wants to go back to the hospital.

 

Eating is terrifying. Eating on his own is more than terrifying and Minseok can't do it. His hand is shaking, the soup on the spoon splashing back down in the bowl in front of him. He hasn't even taken a sip but the thought of actually consuming calories is so horrible to him, that just holding the spoon is a huge step. He wants to do it, though, he wants to eat the soup. He somehow wishes to prove to the doctors that he isn't anorexic but something inside of him has already given up on that. He's sick, he's sick enough to be admitted to the hospital and he isn't going to get any better if he keeps denying. 

The psychiatrist smiles at his efforts and Minseok sort of kind of wants to punch him the face. It's not that doctor Hwang isn't a nice man, he's a great man. He's very optimistic, something Minseok sometimes finds a little annoying. Like right now where his big smile is supposed to indicate that Minseok has taken a huge step towards recovery when he hasn't even been able to take a sip of his soup. The knock on the door is a thankful welcome and Jongdae sends them a smile as he bows his head a little in greetings.

"Come on in, come on in," doctor Hwang says and Jongdae nods as he closes the door after him. He takes seat on the other side of Minseok's bed and Minseok puts the spoon back into the bowl of soup. Doctor Hwang seems to be able to feel that something is unsaid between them so he gets up and sends Jongdae a blinding smile before he tells the other to help Minseok eat a little of his food. Minseok sends him a scowl when he leaves and sighs heavily as the door closes. 

"I can't even eat a fucking spoonful," he says frustrated and Jongdae takes the spoon from him. 

"You know, it would probably be easier if you didn't shake that much." Minseok glares at him and Jongdae just smiles. "Here, let me help you." And he does. The first spoonful is horrible. It tastes like fat and Minseok almost wants to vomit but he doesn't and Jongdae's eyes glint beautifully and Minseok thinks it's worth it. He eats another two spoonfuls before he gets enough and the taste of fat becomes too much. 

"I've been thinking..." he says and Jongdae puts the spoon back in the soup as if feeding your band member is the most normal thing he has ever done. He tilts his head as if to ask Minseok to continue and Minseok does. "I ... After Baekhyun ..." He can't get himself to actually say 'died' so he skips and hopes that Jongdae understands. "I don't want to die, so I've been thinking that maybe I should ... you know, give this whole ..." He gives up midway and sighs but Jongdae seems to understand anyway and he nods. 

"I'm glad. I really am." He sounds so sincere that Minseok turns to look at him, only to get full eye contact. His heart skips a beat but he ignores it when he nods. 

"But you know, I don't think being in the industry is going to do me any good and I would hold you guys back so much because of this..." He gestures towards his body that is still on the slightly slimmer side. Jongdae sighs a little.

"I get it," he says and Minseok actually thinks he might be getting it. "Quit." Jongdae suddenly says and Minseok stares at him incredulously. 

"What?" He's pretty sure he didn't hear what Jongdae just said. He must have been dreaming it. The other wouldn't possibly be encouraging him to quit EXO, to quit his dreams and ultimately disappoint all of them. But when Jongdae repeats himself, it's exactly what he's suggesting. 

"The industry is tough and you know it. Minseok, if you want to focus on getting better, quit EXO, be Kim Minseok again." He doesn't say 'I love you' but it lingers in the air and Minseok knows it's there. Because Jongdae loves him, even when he's not supposed to because Minseok is not worth loving. Minseok lets the thought simmer and Jongdae feeds him another spoonful of soup.

 

The company isn't exactly happy when Minseok enters the office and declares that he wants to quit EXO. It's his only wish. He doesn't want lawsuits and money and the promise of being able to work in the entertainment industry again, he just wants out. He just wants them to null his contract so he's not with them in the next couple of years where he's going to focus on recovering. It wouldn't do them any good either. 

He tells them all of this, has brought documents from several doctors to back up his points. He's suffering from severe Anorexia Nervosa with severe physical complications such as osteoporosis and bradycardia, he won't be of any use to them. At the end, the board agrees with his decision and terminates his contract. The fans are going to hate him but Minseok doesn't care when he finds Jongdae and lets the other follow him back to the hospital. 

They've been in the room for 30 minutes when doctor Hwang enters with a big smile and asks if it's true that Minseok wants to talk to him. Minseok nods.  

"I want to admit myself long-term. I want to be here on my own."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for reading if you've read it all. 
> 
> Baekhyun dies of gastrointestinal bleeding and Minseok leaves EXO and the entertainment industry forever - he is never going to stand on a stage again and is most likely not making a full recovery either. 
> 
> This story is crossposted to AsianFanfics and tumblr.


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